Peak Cringe from the Fox News "Family" here in the DC Area

 

I happened to be on the treadmill at my local gym when this came on one of the screens that isn't Forever Tuned in to the Channel Dedicated to Reruns of "Friends."  It's oddly worse without sound- you don't know what anyone is hyped about, but you know they are hyped because it's all smiles and clapping and jumping up and down and it goes on and on and on and on AND ON and you can bet it that no news reporting will be going on while some guy in a suit appears and is treated like the Second Coming.

Because I didn't watch it with sound, and because this clip is a merciful four minutes long (in the original, this nonsense is actually repeated at the end of the hour, just in case there were a few survivors of the Cringe Avalanche the viewers were subjected to when this mess started.)  So at the time, I had no idea who Robert is or why the Earth was supposed to stop spinning to "welcome" him to the Fox News "Family."

I'm not going to watch it again, for reasons I think are rather obvious.  Instead, I just did a quick Wiki search for this Robert Burton guy, and it certainly did clear up a lot.  Turns out that Robert Burton is the author of a series of books called The Anatomy of Melancholy, which he published in 1621 and which went through several expansions and revisions over the next several decades.  Pretty cool.  I don't know why he's joining the local Fox News staff but I'm sure he's got more to say about the state of the world than, say, the guy who does the weather or the guy who reminds us how badly the Wizards suck again this year.  And it's about time we heard from people who have been dead for five centuries; too often we lose our connection with them and forget that being dead doesn't necessarily mean you have nothing more to say.  

So even though I didn't stick around to see Mr. Burton actually introduced to his new "family," I'm sure he'll fit right in and be a real cut-up in the breakroom when he isn't providing insights concerning issues like, well, Melancholy, and dishing about how he really felt about James I giving a play he wrote a bad review.  I'd like his honest opinion of the Wizards, too.  Like, are they going to win ten games this year?  What do you think, Mr. Burton?

Better Now then Never; My Countdown of the Worst of 2025- Number Three

 

I can't believe it's taken me almost 16 years to do this.  Oh right, I forgot- I have an actual job and a life (so to speak) and this blog brings me virtually no money so it's nowhere approaching a priority.  But anyway....

This is not going to be a countdown of my three worst commercials of 2025.  Instead, it's going to be a countdown of my three worst commercial TROPES of 2025; specifically, characters in commercials I really would like to be spared of in 2026 because oh my god are they played out. 

Let's start with Jennifer Garner, a washed-up actress with a net worth of approximately $80 million who spent the year trying to convince us that her access to fancy resorts with Olympic-sized pools and luxury spas, airport lounges with tall glasses of white wine and pretty friends, and hiking trips to exotic places is somehow more associated with her choice of credit card and not that NET WORTH OF APPROXIMATELY $80 MILLION.  All with that same stupid frozen smile on the most self-satisfied face this side of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.  

In this particular ad Garner, as if to lampshade the fact that her commercials are a played-out stale joke, centers her appearance with another played-out stale joke.  Paraphrases of "There's No Crying in Baseball" were beaten to death more than thirty years ago and nobody wants to see them come back; only "We're Not in Kansas Anymore" has more mold on it.  Yes, we all remember the movie (or at least, we Boomers remember the movie, which let's also recall was a minor hit in 1992, five years before Ms. Garner's career got off the ground.)  We also remember that the line you desperately grab for a laugh with was originally uttered by Tom Hanks, who you most certainly are NOT.

In the original film, the cause of the crying was a female player upset at making a bad play during a game.  In this war crime of an ad, the cause is a female player upset that she does not have enough rewards points to pay for a flight, something I'm certain Garner can relate to (insert eyeroll emoji here.)  As well as anyone watching the ad can relate to, including people like me who are actual Capital One cardholders yet mysteriously don't get free flights or spa vacations or access to comfy airport lounges or hiking trips in exotic places because WE AREN'T DISGUSTINGLY RICH WHICH IS ALL YOU NEED TO GET THAT STUFF, NOT A G-D D--M CREDIT CARD.  

Congratulations, Ms. Garner, on nabbing the #3 spot in my very first countdown.  If we aren't treated to your stupid frozen smile and glimpses of your ridiculously entitled life in 2026, we won't cry about it.  Promise. 

CarFax Ads: This is definitely going to be a series

 

First, I guess it's supposed to be "amusing" that the black woman is sitting on a couch in what looks like a basement apartment, in the dark, afraid to look at the price of cars because she needs to buy a car.  In other words, afraid of Adulting.  I don't get the "funny" part, though.  Yeah, new cars are expensive.  Used cars?  Also expensive.  Shielding your eyes isn't going to make the situation better.  

The average monthly payment on a new car has reached $750, with the average payoff term being 60 months.  I guess that's "scary," but only if you insist on going for a new car (which is dumb) and for some reason that can't be a real reason your only OPTION is a new car.   Like "oh no, I need to buy a 2026 Audi but I'm afraid how much it costs."  Why do you need to buy a 2026 Audi?  "Shut Up, That's Why!"

And then we get the pitch explaining why we need to use CarFax (which, yes, is a good service but not perfect- as CarFax itself will tell you, not all accidents are reported.  CarFax doesn't replace a pre-purchase inspection by a reliable, trusted mechanic.)  Hilariously, we are shown that the generic, AI-generated car being offered for sale at $21,690 has actually been patched back together after a horrific accident and is now actually worth - um, $19,250?  Seriously?  That car was totaled.  How did it only lose 11 percent of its value after that wreck?  I wouldn't pay more than $5k, and I wouldn't even pay that unless the seller confirmed that its a Honda or Toyota and the engine was undamaged by what looks to be a possibly-fatal collision.

Is this woman reassured by the commercial and ready to offer the dealer what CarFax is a "fair" price for the car- $19,250?  That IS scary.  Enjoy your basement apartment, lady.  You aren't upgrading any time soon.

Yeah....definitely a series.

That Stupid Toyota "Holiday Job" Commercial

 

The theme throughout this entire commercial is that Christmas not only all about buying presents, but it's all about the STRESS and ANXIETY involved in hiding those presents and keeping them away from the prying eyes of children (and adults because SPEND SPEND SPEND) until December 25.  How freaking heartwarming.  

Nothing about this makes the holiday look like something to celebrate.  All I see is a lot of near-panic and Mission Impossible-level planning that must go in to keeping the evidence of over-the-top spending away from the eventual recipients of Capital One's Credit For Everyone policy. 

By the way, I've watched this commercial at least half a dozen times and I still don't understand what that little kid is saying at the end- I know it's Santa something, but I can't figure it out.  I have a guess, though:  Whatever he's saying, it translates into "Mom and Dad either bought this for me two years ago and forgot it was buried in the back of the garage, or they think I'm three and not five, because by the time it's warm enough to cruise around the neighborhood I am not going to fit into this thing."

Three Questions for Capital One

 

1.  Is anyone over there really convinced that we want reassurance that  washed-up actress with a net worth of $80 million, her own organic vegetable business, and a promotional contract with Capital One is completely satisfied with her life?

2.  Did you really intend to make the rest of us want nothing more than to punch that perpetual smile off of this woman's stupid, self-satisfied face/

3.  Did you really think that we'd find any of this relateable?

Amazon's "Christmas Gift for Dad" Commercial is multiple levels of Bad

 

Why does the kid look like he's about to wet his pants if his girlfriend's dad doesn't like his gift?  The stakes seem really, really high here- like, the dad is either going to order the kid stoned to death, or he's going to accept the kid's bride price offer and hand over his daughter as a concubine. 

Why is the situation so tense?  It's a freaking gift exchange- stupid enough in itself, since these people are all adults- but pretty innocent when you come right down to it.  Maybe whipping out your phone at this exact moment isn't the best idea- is the kid really going to scroll for something else right there in front of the dad?  Does he think that Amazon is going to deliver whatever he orders in the next thirty seconds?  Is is REALLY a good plan to respond to a dud gift by instantly buying something else?  Is this the kind of family you want to be connected to?  The girl isn't that cute, buddy.  

Why does the father seem to hate the wrapping?  Does he really care about the wrapping?  If so, please revisit my point about maybe not being connected to this family. 

If I were the dad, the first thing I'd wonder is "why is this massager not in it's own box?"  I mean, it looks like it was just wrapped in tissue paper and stuck in a generic cardboard box.  The second thing I'd wonder is "did this originally come in a padded envelope because it's a cheap Chinese knockoff?"  And the third thing I'd wonder is "hmmm....no original box.  No directions.  Just wrapped in tissue paper.  This is something the kid stole from his own house ten minutes before heading over here.  This has Regifting written all over it."

All this being said, this is a really mean-spirited ad and it doesn't help my mood to see it being run in English and Spanish at least three times each per hour on ESPN.  Another fail, Amazon.  And go change your pants before apologizing for the stain you left on the couch, kid.

Sell your soul now, Make this Commercial Later.

 

1.  I know it's been 24 years since a Certain Incident Involving Hijacking changed air travel security measures, but maybe we DON'T make a commercial featuring a guy leaping from his seat to grab the phone away from a stewardess making general announcements to the passengers?  Just a thought.

2.  Will Ferrell has a net worth of approximately $160 million.  He does NOT use Buy Now, Pay Later services which target not just people with low income, but who also have terrible credit ratings.  His excitement over the "convenience" of splitting purchase costs into four easy payments is exactly proportional to the amount of money he's being paid to whore Capitalism's latest Keep Them Spending, Keep them Poor probably-should-be-illegal cash cow.  It's not online gambling (at least, not technically) but it's still pretty offensive.