Jason Statham: If you've seen one....

 

When I first heard the radio ad for this film, I thought it was an SNL skit:  "Jason Statham plays an ex-agent forced out of retirement to protect his little girl..." 

So....basically...Jason Statham plays Jason Statham in a Jason Statham film.  Ex-agent forced out of retirement to protect an innocent person from bad guys?  Can I assume he'll be beating up entire gangs of thugs with his bare hands, with at least a few slow-motion cuts, until finally confronting the Big Bad and killing (or, for a slight change of pace because he does do this sometimes) arresting him after beating him up too?

I mean, I get it: predictability can be very comforting.  But man, it costs $25 these days to go to the movies, and they are usually available on some streaming service by the time you get back home with your unfinished bucket of corn (oh wait, I forgot the snacks; make that $50.)  And speaking of buckets of corn....yeah, Jason Statham is technically an actor who clearly has a very lucrative career playing Jason Statham.  But be honest, Statham fans- if I randomly popped one of his eighty films into a DVD player and started running it from twenty minutes in, could you name it with any level of confidence? I mean, with less than five guesses?  I doubt it. 

I don't want to knock anyone's hustle, but geeeeeesh.  If you go to the theater with any doubt in your mind about how every single scene is going to play out, I kind of feel sorry for you.  Actually, I think you're just in denial.  Either way, enjoy the two servings of nutrition-free popcorn; the one in the bucket on your lap, and the one on the screen. 

Mr. Sandless seeks Mr. Clueless for Scammy Franchise Non-Opportunity

 

The radio version of this ad boasts of the "low franchise fee" of "only $20,000," adding the fatal words "you can put that on a credit card"- the tag line of every multi-level marketing "opportunity." 

Let me explain something that you should already know if you really have the business skills to run a franchise:  If your credit is so broken that you need to put a franchise fee on a credit card, you have no BUSINESS thinking that you can run a BUSINESS.  The average interest rate for people with GOOD credit is 19.99%.  You can't get a small business loan from your local bank or credit union but are ready to max out your credit card to start a business?  

You think I'm going to trust you to sand my floors?  I wouldn't even let you through the door.  Once you're in, you'd probably refuse to leave until I agreed to join your Downline because Hey Selling Essential Oils to your Facebook Friends is a great way to generate Passive IncomeTM.

Why is this awful Verizon commercial even a thing?

 

"Well, at Verizon you can bring in any bill..." stop right there with Non-sequitur theater, Karen.  This isn't Verizon.  Does it look like Verizon?

You can put that tv down now, buddy.  It's not your burden to carry.  Put it down and tell this idiot woman to leave the store and take her ancient heavy junk with her.  Does this place LOOK like a Goodwill or recycling center?

"Not as cool as Verizon!"  I bet he can live with that, as long as you say it while you leave and add that you're so put out that you'll never come back.  

What the hell?  This woman is leaving the minimum wage worker holding her heavy television as she leaves?  Call the police.  I think I've already implied that this is NOT a Goodwill or a recycling center.  This is NOT WHERE YOU GET TO DUMP YOUR OLD ELECTRONICS, KAREN.

And after you call the police, call the local mental facility.  I'm pretty sure that if they do a head count, they'll notice that one of their long-term residents is missing.  Along with her television set. 

So again- why is this a thing?

There's Nothing to Like in this JP Morgan "Honeymoon" ad

 

First of all, there's zero relatable about a couple in their- what, late 20s?- thinking about things like  Safaris and purchasing ranches in Montana.  With horses.

Second, these people come off as almost unbearably superficial and casual about money.  The guy is daydreaming about going on a Safari and even asks the JP Morgan guy if they can afford one.  The JP Morgan guy says sure, it will just take some planning- but is practically interrupted by another thought: wait, no- how about if they want to purchase a ranch in Montana?  With horses?

The JP Morgan guy, who if he's human is completely nauseated by the entitlement oozing out of these people by now, suggests that ok, we can look at "both those scenarios."  If I were him, I'd wait a few minutes for one of them to suggest that what they really want to do is go on a year-long cruise or maybe take a ride with Space X.  That's the level of maturity I'm hearing here.

Oh but wait, one of them mentions that maybe they'd like to start a family- a baby.  Or babies.  No, just one baby.  Which tells me that these twats haven't spent more than a few minutes talking about their future in the past two years, assuming that they've even been together for two years.  Safaris, ranches in Montana, maybe a baby or maybe two or maybe not...ugh, all these jagoffs have is money.  

And since the title of the ad is "Honeymoon," it's fair to assume that they just got married.  So they are having conversations about the future that people with two brain cells each usually have BEFORE the ceremony.  Better late than never, I guess- but personally, I'm not in favor of children getting married in the first place.  And let's face it- I don't care what the birthdates on the IDs say.  These people are children.  Rich children, but children.  And one of the options they are considering is....spreading the dumb to the next generation.  

Just for Fun- another look at that horrific America's Best Eyeglasses and Contacts Commercial

 

This one will always hold a very special place in my heart, because happening upon it on YouTube back in late 2008 helped convince me to start this blog in the first place.

Thirty-five years later, I think it's safe to conclude that this insane woman is living in an Assisted Living Home and is never, ever visited by her children, who can't forget that Christmas where mom gave them all appointments to get their eyes checked instead of actual presents, and how they all "got to" pick out cheap ugly frames from the discount bin at America's favorite discount vision center.   Almost as special as that day when Child Protective Services showed up and told mom that no, she could NOT wait until birthdays came around to surprise her kids with maintenance of their vaccine schedule.  RFKjr was not yet in charge of that stuff, unfortunately for her. 

So mom "went away" a while back and the kids have moved on, trying hard to keep her name out of the Thanksgiving Day conversations (Thanksgiving was always the day mom gifted them with an entire years' supply of vitamins, so it's always a bit touchy) and steering well clear of that Home We Put Her In Though She Doesn't Deserve Even That Much Consideration, the Crazy Nutter. 

Cher and the most depressing Uber Eats Commercial I've ever seen

 

Why is this commercial so depressing?  Let us count the ways:

1.  It's stunningly overproduced.  Think of how much time and expense and talent went into making this thing, and all of the actual beneficial things that could have been produced for society with even one-tenth of that effort.  Instead we get...this.  

2.  Cher orders a time machine using Uber Eats?  I don't get the joke.  Is it that you can order almost anything with Uber Eats?  If so, why is it called Uber Eats?  Or is it that the Uber Eats app read Cher's order for thyme as an order for "time?"  How thin can you stretch a premise before it snaps back and hits you in the face (more about faces in a moment?)  Who orders thyme from Uber Eats?  What the actual hell?

3.  Uber Eats, Doordash, etc. are all horrible companies that do immeasurable damage to the environment while paying their employees as uninsured independent contractors.  Why is Cher, who has a reputation as a prominent social liberal, promoting an exploitive company whose business model depends on gig workers and produces ungodly amounts of pollution?

4.  Yes, I get the gag is the reference to "If I Could Turn Back Time."  I don't care.  The juice is not worth the squeeze.  This is a six year old telling the same joke to everyone at the party multiple times. 

5.  No, Cher, you can't turn back time, no matter how often you get your face frozen with injections of Botox.  Seriously, the creepiest and saddest thing about this ad is how expressionless your face is.  Are you even CAPABLE of showing emotion anymore, or are those muscles permanently locked in place? Sonny Bono's face shows more range in his facial expressions and he's been dead for three decades.

What does any of this have to do with chicken again?

 

I watch this ad and the only thought that comes to mind is "when on Earth did everyone in the United States become a shameless exhibitionist convinced that every other person in the United States was interested in their reaction to everything?"

In other words, did we just wake up one day and decide that whatever we were doing, whatever we were watching, whatever we were taking in at that moment needed to be captured on video and shared with the planet?  And how did we convince others to go along with this intense level of narcissism? I mean, take a look at this ad- a lot of these videos are not individual efforts.  Someone had to point the phone and watch the subject as he watched tv, or ran into another room, or did....something. Anything.  

Why?  What compels people to do this?  Why is this interesting or entertaining to anyone?

Meanwhile- Chic-fil-e is good food.  Too bad they are closed on Sundays, since my most common travel days are Sundays and Chic-fil-e exists on the Jersey Turnpike.  Also too bad they are run by horrible sexist retrograde fundamentalist loons but again, it's good food.