Saturday, January 2, 2010

Flo-TV throws down the gauntlet

I was beginning to think that the makers of cell phones were going to be left to ravage society and destroy its last vestiges of decency all by themselves. I was beginning to think that when nothing was left of our civilization but a smoking crater, the vampires from Verizon, AT&T and Apple would be standing over our shattered remains, sharing the credit for the ruination of all that was once Good and Pure.

But then, I was blindsided by the sudden re-emergence of an almost-forgotten old-timer in the Hate Brigade, Television. It seems that TV has decided to invade the realm of the cell phone and take back some of the territory it once called exclusively its own. There's a New/Old Kid on the Block, and it's name is Flo-TV.

We see a very nice-looking, young mother of two handing her sweet little boy a glass of milk at the kitchen table, and giving her equally sweet-looking little girl a head rub. Suddenly she notices the time and realizes that hubby is about to come home from work (10:30 in the morning? Whatever...) and she turns into a modern version of Joan Crawford, knocking the glass of milk right into her son's face, dashing the toys on the kitchen table everywhere, and dumping a bag of flour over her kids. The look on her face tells us that she's roughly thirty seconds from dragging these kids to the bathtub and pulling an Andrea Yates.

Hubby walks in- suit, tie, briefcase (again, home from work at 10:30 AM.....sorry, I have a fixation on this.) He stops short and looks at the carnage.

"I just need an hour" moans his lunatic wife.

Next thing, we see Mommy Dearest sitting alone in a park, yelling "Oh Come ON!" at a little screen in her hand- a Flo-TV unit which is displaying a football game (Ok, so it's the West Coast, which would explain why there's a football game on in the morning. But that also means it's Saturday or Sunday, so why was hubby coming home from....oh, never mind.)

The hate just keeps coming, doesn't it? This woman has to scare her family and trash her kitchen-- to justify getting an hour to herself with a television? We've become so horrified by the thought of sharing space with people that we now need to run out and buy $249 television units and pay $14.95 per month to watch programs we can watch for a fraction of the cost in our living rooms (oh but ewww, there might be other people there...) The concept of "alone time" now means "time to watch television?" Wow, we've really advanced since the age of "TV dinners" and other excuses to sit in front of the boob tube, haven't we? Now we can take the tv with us- if only we can convince our spouses that we are on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

(Hopefully, Daddy will be spending that hour reassuring his children that while Mommy is sick, she's going to be getting help, and no matter how horrible she acts or how clearly she hates them, it's Not Their Fault. And now it's time to pack and take a fun trip to Grandma's house for an extended stay, because we love Grandma's house, don't we?)

(Ok, so on the fourth viewing, I now see that it's not 10:30, it's 5:50. That makes more sense. Doesn't explain the blazing sunlight streaming into the kitchen, though- or the fact that his woman then spends the next hour sitting outside in the sun.)

So take that, cell phone companies!! You aren't going to be allowed to destroy society all by yourselves after all! The glowing box that's been part of every American household since the 1950s is back and ready to take you on!

It's your move! I know you won't let me down.


  1. I agree this commercial is extremely disturbing. When I started reading the post, I didn't know what commercial you were talking about, because I had never heard of Flo TV. Until you go to the milk-throwing. Then I remembered, I have seen this commercial. I was just so upset by the image of a mother throwing milk in her unsuspecting toddler's face that I didn't remember what product it was selling.

  2. They aren't going to rest until they turn the planet into the dystopia featured in 'The Machine Stops', aren't they?

  3. It's a hyperbole (not made to be taken literally). Have you no sense of humor? I thought it was hilarious because it's so extreme yet somehow realistic. Then again, I can take a joke.

  4. Great, another "I'm reading and commenting on your blog, YOU need to get a life" post. Thanks, toomuch.