Sunday, May 27, 2018

Candy Crush's Salute to Lowered Expectations

My guess is that the fat doofus sitting next to you can totally relate to the feeling you get when you beat a level on Candy Crush, you pathetic, phone-addicted bag of skin.  It's probably a lot like getting to the next level on Cuphead or finally managing to eat an entire pie in one sitting- you are tempted to call your mom and tell her that you actually accomplished something, but you quickly change your mind and just tell your 4000 Facebook friends instead.

Meanwhile, you're still an overweight, directionless loser finding pleasure in beating a stupid, brain-numbing waste of time game on your bestest electronic friend.  And your significant other doesn't look like he needs more excuses to stay on his lazy fat ass either.  Maybe you both need to go outside and actually DO something that involves burning calories, getting some fresh air, etc?  You might accidentally accomplish something for realsies along the way.  You could give yourself BONUS points if that happens.

Candy Crush?  Oh, don't worry.  It will still be there when you start to feel short of breath and decide that the simple pleasures of a walk or other non-phone-related activity just don't cut it as they lack the instant gratification of bells and whistles and pretty colors, not to mention the image of a cartoon cat on a motorcycle OHMIGOD THAT IS SO EPIC LOL I HAVE TO POST HOW MUCH I LOVE THIS (just check the comments.  That is, if you want to lose your last shred of respect for humanity.)

Sorry to distract you from your zombie phone game, you losers.  Go tackle that next level!  Make yourself proud!

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