Thursday, April 4, 2019
Meet the Averys. I hate them already
"These are the Averys, leaving their ridiculous apartment to head off to yet another expensive, trendy restaurant because that's what they like to do to avoid spending quiet time together at home."
"After several months of spending upwards of $300 per week on meals at trendy restaurants, the Averys 'began to wonder' if all this spending wasn't eating into their Dream Home fund. Because the Averys, despite being able to afford that ridiculous apartment, are really all kinds of Dumb and couldn't figure out on their own that spending money in one way means that they can't spend it in another way. Funny how that works, right? I bet most of the people watching this ad knew that already. But these are the Averys- they live a charmed life involving massive apartments, nightly dine-outs and, eventually, a Suburban Palace Just Because."
"Anyway, being the Averys, they decided to call Wells Fargo to ask 'hey, is our habit of eating out every night at trendy, expensive restaurants hurting our ability to save for our Dream House? After the Wells Fargo financial consultant on the other end of the line got done simultaneously laughing, vomiting and rolling his eyes in complete disgust, he removed his hand from the speaker and calmly explained to the Averys that, yes, money is in fact a finite resource and not a magic well which stays at the same level no matter how much water is drawn from it."
"The Averys decided to cut back on their restaurant-hopping and spend more time in their Seriously Enormous Why Do They Even Want A House Apartment eating food prepared by themselves from the groceries they ordered from Whole Foods. They came to realize that the reason they had been spending so much time at restaurants is because they couldn't bear to be alone with eachother unless they are surrounded by other people. Even a stuffed-to-the-brim DVR and all those Netflix shows didn't help. Within a few weeks, they had broken up, and individually neither could afford the awesome apartment anymore, problem solved."
"Wells Fargo. Solving your First World problems, one call at a time."