So the question is "Why does Special K have 10 grams of protein?" Followed by several shots of an old woman who needs energy and thinks that getting it from a bowl of soggy pencil shavings makes more sense than from eggs (which have six ounces of protein EACH.)
I have a better question. Why does a 19-ounce box of Special K cost almost $9? If you get your protein from eggs, you are paying about 4 cents per gram. If you get it from Special K, it will cost you about 20 cents per gram. And that doesn't include the milk you kind of have to consume along with the Special K but aren't necessary to serve along with the eggs.
I'm just sayin'....if are going to eat Special K because you like Special K, that's fine. But don't tell me you're spending that kind of money on cereal because you figure you need the protein. If it's all about the protein, eat an egg or two. This isn't rocket science.
This is one of those ads that throws so much insulting Stupid at the viewer that it's hard to decide what to focus on. A lot of the commentators are fixated on the idea of betting on Jesus rising from the dead- and the comment section has predictably become a silly debate over who wins that Not-A-Bet-Don't-Call-It-A-Bet. Being an adult in the 21st century, I have zero interest in wading into that fetid swamp.
As a student of history, I was more taken by the image of Paul Revere warning "the British are coming" while riding through what looks to be a burning city. Like, what the actual hell? If the British were responsible for those flames, wouldn't the people in the town have gotten the hint way before Revere showed up? This looks like a guy running through the streets of Pompeii while lava flows down and smoking rocks are crashing everywhere yelling "Vesuvius is Erupting!" No S--t, Sherlock.
What does this have in common with Jesus's rising from the dead? Well, neither happened. Ok, I went there. But just for a moment.
What REALLY interests me is labeling Kalshi for what it is- an online Bucket Shop. In the 19th century, the Bucket Shops were open-street "markets" where people could bet (excuse me, "take futures in") whether particular stocks would go up or down. They didn't involve the actual purchase of stock any more than current betting apps involve buying shares in sports teams. Exactly like Kalshi, they didn't involve the transfer of actual product at all. In 1906 the Supreme Court closed down the Bucket Shops by declaring them to be engaged in illegal gambling.
Kalshi is no different. It's a Bucket Shop you don't have to sneak out to in disguise to avoid being spotted and judged by your friends. But in every other respect, it's gambling on steroids. "Future Markets." Give me a break.
There's just something so off-putting about watching people with garbage credit (usually caused by failure to make timely payments or overutilization of existing credit) celebrate being given the opportunity to go more heavily into debt. In reality, kicking the can down the road, accepting money at ruinous interest rates is nothing to be proud of, let alone happy about. But these people act like robbing Peter to pay Paul is akin to winning the damn lottery. What a sad display- and an even worse commentary on the state of the American Economy.
1. Is it a requirement for employment at this pool-playground-resort that you are afflicted nasty skin and are on Skyrizi?
2. The woman working at the ice cream stand is way too happy with her crummy job. She must be the resort owner or something. I've never been that happy doing anything in my entire life. Handing ice cream to kids and waiting tables sure wouldn't do it for me.
3. Those kids don't want to have a conversation with you. Just give them their damn ice cream.
4. Is this woman the only employee? Who is preparing ice cream when she's carrying whatever the hell that stuff is to a table? Why does she think she has time to chat with the customers? Someone is waiting at the counter to order ice cream. What the actual hell is going on here?
5. Why isn't this woman wearing sunglasses? Sure seems bright out, and she seems to be engaged in a constant squint.
6. Is the guy really trying to teach kids how to swim? He doesn't know how to. Why aren't the kids wearing goggles? He wears goggles when he swims underwater. Why did he just jump into the pool right next to them, splashing chlorine into their eyes, when you KNOW there are "No Jumping" signs all over the place?
It's basically AfterPay for Rent, except that I'm pretty sure that AfterPay for Rent already existed. It's in line with proposals for 50-year mortgages and the ever-lengthening car note (which will average 7 years in 2026, up from 5 two years ago and 3 twenty years ago...)
And how does this even help? If your rent is $1000 a month (you must be renting that room Patrick Swayze lived in outside of Jasper, Missouri in Road House) and you can split it into two payments of $500 every two weeks...what does this do, exactly? You still need $1000 a month. Who has $500 every two weeks but not $1000 a month. Oh, right- people who are absolutely horrible at managing money. Like "if my rent is not due for 28 days, I'm going to spend that money before I can write a check to the landlord." This app is created for people who know they are stupid children with money who cannot be depended on to pay their predictable, scheduled bills despite having predictable, scheduled paydays.
I'd love to see the correlation between people who use this- um- "service" and the people who use one of those apps that "pay" (lend you) your salary by the day because budgeting between paychecks is suddenly Too Difficult Because Reasons, Probably Because of those Boomers Who Ruined Everything. I bet it's really high. What odds can I get, DraftKings?
Gotta love how the woman at the center of this ad is supposed to be helping to clean up a beach, but instead is more focused on picking up a single tin can and then just standing there as if she's just conquered the freaking universe. I think her photograph must be in the encyclopedia under "Performative Activism."
And then, to put the perfect period on the day, we see her eating lunch out of some truck diner using a plastic cup and plastic straw. Yeah, she's super into the environment, bro. Get her a medal to go along with that halo.
Jeep is still trying to get some mileage (no pun intended) from the dim memory of it being a uniquely American product known for it's reliability and toughness. Never mind that the brand has been owned by Stellantis- a Dutch company- for more than a decade now and nobody who knows anything about cars thinks that anything carrying the Jeep brand built after 2016 is worth anywhere near the sticker price.
Not sure why Stellantis thought it was a good idea to show it's latest garbage falling apart while traveling at high speeds, but I'll give points for accuracy, anyway. Current Jeep owners will certainly recognize the parts in the exploded view- it's what they see scattered on the garage floor at their mechanic on a regular basis.
1. Why does everyone in these Goldfish Cracker Commercials act so awkward and nervous? It's like they KNOW they look stupid. But it's all so cringe. First we had the guy and girl repeatedly bumping hands because no one could be bothered to find a damn bowl. Now this. Whatever this is.
2. Why are there Goldfish Cracker Commercials at all? Who the hell doesn't already know about the existence of these things?
3. How is any of this supposed to make me want to eat Goldfish Crackers? Especially if they aren't the whole grain ones. The only Goldfish Crackers worth eating are the whole grain ones. All of this is just so stupid.
I get that grandma wants to see granddaughter in the recital and thanks to this medication- and a front-row seat- she gets to do that. But there's something really off about this ad. Several somethings, in fact.
Grandma is staring at the stage with a frozen smile on her face that has me half-convinced that she's just enjoying the experience of being out of the Assisted Living Home for a few hours and isn't at all sure what she's watching. Is the medication helping grandma see the performance better, or does it just prevent blinking?
Is granddaughter really coming down from the stage to hand grandma a battery-powered nightlight shaped like a star and a hug, or is this just happening in grandma's imagination? I kind of think the latter, because it seems like every other person in the audience would be a parent or grandparent and would be wondering what the star treatment (I didn't mean that to be a pun) is all about. If it's all just grandma's imagination, doesn't that mean that she's just wandered off into her own fantasy world again and nothing she's dreaming up in her own head requires eye medication?
Come to think of it, maybe Eylea has nothing to do with eyes. Maybe it's just an hallucinogen made for the elderly promoted by adult children and grandchildren to get old people to stop asking for so much attention. Baby Tiffany never calls or visits? Put a few drops of this stuff in your eyes and the next thing you know, you'll "see" Tiffany dancing on stage and even stepping down to pay homage in the form of glowing stars. That good enough for you, grandma?
The only thing consistent about my Fitbit's "fitness tracker" feature is it's almost comical inconsistency.
Saturday: "You've been maintaining fitness and your readiness is moderate. Aim for 10-34 zone minutes."
I work out on Saturday and exceed the recommendations.
Sunday: "You've been maintaining fitness and your readiness is high. Aim for 20-75 zone minutes."
I take a long walk and spend most of the day at the gym.
Monday: "You've really been pushing it lately and are in danger of overtraining. Schedule some time for recovery to avoid injury. Aim for 1-18 zone minutes."
I take a long walk, hit the gym, and go way above requirements.
Tuesday: "You have been maintaining fitness and your readiness is moderate. Aim for 20-56 zone minutes."
I take a break from exercise though as usual hit my step goal.
Wednesday: "You have been maintaining fitness. Aim for 40-80 zone minutes to get back on track." WTF?
I hit the gym and go way above recommendations.
Thursday: "Schedule some time for Recovery. Aim for 1-10 zone minutes to prevent injury."
I get my steps in and hit 14 zone minutes.
Friday: "You are at risk of undertraining and your readiness is High. Aim for 40-99 zone minutes."
What. the Actual. F?
Add to this the fact that every few days I can do an hour on the treadmill, get 10,000 steps in, and record ZERO zone minutes, and I'm convinced that I should stop reading the Daily Goal paragraph on my Fitbit and just look at the step tracker. That seems to be pretty accurate. Maybe the sleep score too. But I'm done with the Daily Goal nonsense; that feature was clearly programmed by the same people who brought us the Magic 8 Ball method of making decisions.
(Quick Update: Yesterday I hit 229 zone minutes and a cardio load of 155 (target was 90-125.) So what does Fitbit say this morning? "You've been at risk of undertraining recently...." and my cardio load target is 145-194. I guarantee that if I reach that goal, tomorrow it will tell me that I'm in danger of overtraining. This thing is an absolute JOKE.)
These things already contain fried chicken, macaroni and cheese, potatoes, and gravy. Make the bowl a little larger and KFC could add gummy bears, cigarettes, whiskey, and a gambling app and make this the perfect Grab and Go for people in a hurry to destroy their lives.
"Failure Pile in a Sadness Bowl." I wish I had thought of that. And yes, 2 AM in your own apartment is the only proper time and place to consume this Most American Meal Ever.
I've kept a portable air compressor in the trunk of my car for well over a decade. I got my niece one for her car. We've used them to fill tires, basketballs, footballs, floatation devices- anything that needs air.
Which is why the people in these ads absolutely astonish me. They come off as skeptical that such a device is possible without slight of hand or magic and in the real world it must be a scam of some kind. A portable air compressor that you charge at home every once in a while and then keep in your car to deal with low tire situations?* What's next, a mini version of a vacuum for your car? A mounting device for a cell phone on the dashboard? What kind of bizarre Utopia are we living in these days?
Seriously, though. I don't know if this thing works well- the reviews on YouTube are not promising- but you can buy them off the shelf at your local Home Depot or (probably) Walmart. This is not new if you haven't been living under a rock for the past many, many years. Why are these idiots acting as if they are watching a wizard at work?
*I do object to the depiction of a completely flat tire; if it has a puncture, all the compressed air in the world isn't going to help you for what I hope are obvious reasons. For that you'll need another Very Available, Very Portable product called a Fix-a-Flat- though personally I'd rather just call AAA and have them switch it out with my spare.**
**actual spare, not the worthless donut the insultingly cheap dealerships stick you with these days. $25,000 on average for a base-model new car and they can't include an actual extra tire....but that's a rant for another time.
I'm so disturbed that there's even something called the Mobile Game Industry...
Turns out that these ubiquitous "free" games (actually the same game tweaked and relabeled to con the losers who fall down these time-and-money-wasting tunnels to nowhere) are all about dopamine hits mixed with just enough frustration to convince users to purchase upgrades and just enough advertisement to make it profitable even if 100 percent of the people who download don't become absolutely obsessed with this life-draining nonsense.
Never mind Jimmy Kimmel, who like Shakira and Lebron just ask "how high" when told by their corporate masters to jump as long as those masters are waving fistfuls of money they don't really need and don't know what to do with in their faces. Let's note every commercial that does not include an actual celebrity- they all show seemingly normal people doing normal things (preparing meals in the kitchen, having a backyard barbecue, etc.) being fascinated by what looks to a Boomer like me to be Candy Crush with Royalty. And effortlessly recruiting their spouses and friends to join in the "fun" by offering a mere glance at their phones.
How empty are their lives that this looks absolutely irresistible after three seconds? I'd be asking when it became perfectly normal to do everything with one hand and fifty percent of your brain tied behind your back. Maybe I should have mentioned that all the people shown engaged in this junk are legal adults. Legal adults who if they are so easily sucked into investing time and money into this bleak empty garbage are almost certainly also going down the road of economic destruction through equally "fun" gambling apps as well.
Can we bring actual hobbies back? How about actual quality time with fellow humans? Time not spent staring at a screen and engaging in "activities" that suck money out of our wallets for a few moments of - well, I don't even know. Why is this fun again?
1. Apparently it's not about raising money for a good cause. It's a major competition that only one of these very competitive little girls can win, and both are determined to be the Champion Number One Whatever. The cookies are just the means by which a Champion can be Crowned.
2. The moment we gained access to digital payment options, handling actual currency became incredibly awkward, virtually impossible. Because I grew up handling cash and I can't remember it being this big a deal to transfer paper from one hand to another or even to (gasp) make change.
3. Yeah, digital payments are totally flawless and would never accidentally duplicate themselves. I don't know why every transaction isn't a worry-free tap of a phone, those NEVER go wrong.
4. You roll your eyes at me while I'm trying to help your cause, and I'm cancelling the sale and keeping my money. This little girl does it TWICE. What a great representative of her generation. Goodbye, little girl. I can buy cookies from anyone, including at the store, with cash, without the condescending, triggered annoyed looks. I'm sooooo sorry it's taking more than thirty seconds to finish this transaction, but please avoid this "problem" by skipping my house next year.
If Christmas is the Hallmark Channel's Superbowl, then the Superbowl is Advertising's Christmas. Somehow, the ads for the big game have become as big a story- maybe even a bigger story- than the sporting event it sponsors. NFL Network even has a "Best Superbowl Ads Ever" show.
Personally, I think the absolute worst thing about attending game parties is being unable to escape the ads and the inevitable conversations created by the ads. As the years have moved along, I've noticed that more and more the casual chitchat is reserved for the time the players are on the field and is halted during the commercials. I guess it was inevitable that a mere football game being played between two teams not supported by at least 90 percent of viewers would take a back seat to advertisements (not to mention an only slightly truncated concert tucked in between the 2nd and 3rd quarters.)
As it turns out, I won't be attending a Superbowl party for the first time since the Plague of 2020/21, which means I'll be watching with a remote in my hand ready to hit MUTE when the actual game is not on the screen. Hey, I'm a curmudgeon, remember?
Oh, I guess I should say a few things about this ad for everyone's favorite pile of junk, Jeep. Well, let's see...the premise is that we've got a little kid obsessed with silly purchase made by his father when dad was hung over and watching late-night TV back in the 80s (maybe it was grandpa?) The little kid's mom is pregnant for no reason (unless something else happens in the final ten seconds involving her, I don't know, I stopped watching after "I can see my wires" because by then it had crossed the line into Beaten To Death Joke and I was done.) We know for sure she's pregnant because she's got her arm resting on her stomach like All Pregnant Women in TV ads do.
For some reason the kid really, really wants to take an obvious piece of plastic to the river, and for some reason dad is willing to drive the kid and the stupid piece of plastic what seems like many, many miles to find a suitable river to put it in. All of this is in service of driving the family's much, much bigger dumb purchase, with it's panoramic sunroof and apparent ability to hit a pothole and get wet without needing servicing (is Jeep upping it's game?)
The kid puts the piece of plastic in the river and I guess it's a Magic Fish but not the good kind that grants wishes, just the kind that is grateful for five seconds and then accusatory when it finds out that freedom is not all it's cracked up to be. I have no idea why that bear continues to eat the fish when it's clear it's plastic. I have no idea why this stupid plastic fish has so many wires. I have no idea why the dad is trying to defend himself to it. It's a plastic fish that doesn't even grant wishes.
All I see here is the overindulgence of a creepy little boy who needs therapy and friends by a father who thinks that there's something environmentally sane about driving a brand-new piece of garbage to a remote area to toss a fifty-year old piece of garbage into a river.
What am I missing? Oh, don't bother- I'm sure I'll be told in the breakroom, or by several of my classes, tomorrow.
This one is uniquely nasty because we see a short-sleeved chef scratching his nasty dry itchy skin while preparing food- I mean, yuck. Where's the damn health inspector when you need her?
But the others all have one annoying thing in common- they all feature people who seem to have been given exciting, active lives, complete with expensive hobbies and holidays to exotic places, along with their Rinvoq prescriptions. If I get an Rx for this stuff will it come with a first-class ticket to a warm beach somewhere? Are the cool friends included or is that only with the Gold Plan on the health care network?
...but nothing about watching flabby future diabetes patients wax poetic about their love of the variety of bland starch available at your "restaurant"- pizza, cinnamon "bites," bread "buttons," etc.- makes me hungry for America's Favorite Carbohydrate Delivery System.
These people need Domino's like they need more screen time. They'd be far better off with a balanced diet and an exercise program- hey, THAT sounds like a "perfect combo" to me, but where's the money in that, right?
Turn heads! Get attention! Pay through the nose for endless repairs!
It's the return of the ICONIC JCW Mini-Cooper, the little car that allows you to "rule the road" between your house and the garage run by a mechanic you will definitely be on a first-name basis with!
Seriously- this is just so silly. The gimmick for these cars seems to be their impracticality; yes, what sane people see as a glitch is actually a feature. This car is ridiculously expensive for what you get, infamous in its unreliability, uncomfortable for anyone over 5'8" or so, etc. It's an uncomfortable money pit that screams "look how rich I am; I can even blow money on this. How much money? Actual big car money- like, $40,000- what you losers pay for cars with four doors and enough room for more than a bag of groceries in the back."
This is a mini compact car, almost a FIAT. Even a Mitsubishi Mirage had four doors, for chrissakes, and it's actually possible to drive a Mitsubishi more than a few hundred miles without paying out the nose for upkeep. What people will do to show they don't care about money. Unbelievable.
There's something almost adorable about KIA's attempt to sell it's latest pile of unreliable junk as a symbol of luxury, isn't there?
I'm trying to imagine any rich couple with the means of buying a luxury SUV actually choosing a KIA over the other options- Lexus, Audi, BMW- none of which are worth anything close to their price tags either but at least come with those popular logos. This thing has a base price of just under 40k with the model being shown on screen running closer to 60k. Why would anyone with that kind of money use it to buy a KIA?
The answer is, of course, that they would not. KIA wants to be in the Big Boys Club with the brands mentioned above- brands that get sales from stupid rich people because of the logo (it can't be because of reliability because there isn't any, not for ANY of these luxury brands. It can't be because they hold their value because they simply do NOT.) In this, KIA is exactly like Buick and is trying to achieve its goal in exactly the same way Buick is- with glossy paint and bells and whistles that have nothing to do with the simple ability to get from Point A to Point B and everything to do with turning the heads of people you don't know and who simply don't care. Sad.
Every once in a while, my little great-niece/goddaughter announces that she is going to put on a "show" and then proceeds to sing and dance and throw herself around the living room, stopping to give us time to applaud.
The little girl in this ad knows that she's in a family of inattentive television addicts who are so desperate for entertainment that they are watching figure skating, of all things. So if she wants an audience, she'd better go upstairs (or the basement, I'm not watching this again) and set up the 2000 or so stuffed animals she's been given by parents who think that material goods are a great substitute for actual Attention.
It turns out that this girl has adapted so well to being ignored by her alleged family that she's perfectly fine dancing in front of her toys instead of actual human beings, and has even convinced herself that they appreciate and love her- unlike those older people downstairs staring total strangers on the boob tube (who are engaged in figure skating. Again- figure skating. Not even the bobsled or luge or Alpine skiing. Not even short track skiing. Figure skating. Hell, it may even be Artistic Pairs or Ice Dance, though I am not willing to go that far because I don't want to slander these people.
But as I said- in my family, if my little great-niece saw this on tv and wanted to imitate it, she wouldn't retreat to a quiet part of the house to "skate" in front of stuffed animals. She'd do it in front of us, and she'd have our attention, because I like to think we aren't all disgusting distracted zombies so detached from our own lives that we'd rather watch...whatever the hell this event is that should end right now so we can get back to actual competitive, entertaining Olympic events like skiing and bobsled, as God Intended.
