This Xfinity Commercial is Sadder than you think it is

 

Every once in a while, my little great-niece/goddaughter  announces that she is going to put on a "show" and then proceeds to sing and dance and throw herself around the living room, stopping to give us time to applaud.  

The little girl in this ad knows that she's in a family of inattentive television addicts who are so desperate for entertainment that they are watching figure skating, of all things.  So if she wants an audience, she'd better go upstairs (or the basement, I'm not watching this again) and set up the 2000 or so stuffed animals she's been given by parents who think that material goods are a great substitute for actual Attention. 

It turns out that this girl has adapted so well to being ignored by her alleged family that she's perfectly fine dancing in front of her toys instead of actual human beings, and has even convinced herself that they appreciate and love her- unlike those older people downstairs staring total strangers on the boob tube (who are engaged in figure skating.  Again- figure skating.  Not even the bobsled or luge or Alpine skiing.  Not even short track skiing.  Figure skating.  Hell, it may even be Artistic Pairs or Ice Dance, though I am not willing to go that far because I don't want to slander these people.  

But as I said- in my family, if my little great-niece saw this on tv and wanted to imitate it, she wouldn't retreat to a quiet part of the house to "skate" in front of stuffed animals.  She'd do it in front of us, and she'd have our attention, because I like to think we aren't all disgusting distracted zombies so detached from our own lives that we'd rather watch...whatever the hell this event is that should end right now so we can get back to actual competitive, entertaining Olympic events like skiing and bobsled, as God Intended. 

DraftKings: Know When To Fold 'Em

 

Actual message of this ad:  "Don't worry about how much money you're losing, just keep gambling.  There will be plenty of time to pick up the shattered pieces of your financial situation later.  Only a loser keeps an eye on the wins and losses during the game.  You don't want to be a loser, do you?  Next thing you know, you'll be telling us you want to stop drinking just because you're drunk!"

When in the depths of destructive addiction, it is NOT the time to consider the damage that addiction is doing to your life.  What would the people around you say if you stopped gambling?  They'd probably call you a wimp.  They certainly wouldn't respect you because you're acting like a Debby Downer instead of Sticking to the Plan, the Plan being- keep risking that paycheck for that dopamine hit because let's face it, watching sports is simply no fun unless you can bet on it.

The important thing is to JUST KEEP GAMBLING.  You never count your losses when you're sittin' at the bar stool.  There'll be time enough for countin' when the money's gone.

F---ng heartwarming.  

Actually, FanDuel, it's "No RIGHT Way..."

 

In this ad, Jacopo is doubling down- not happy with feeding an addiction to alcohol, he's going to push his patrons into satisfying their sad addiction to gambling as well.  May I ask why?  How does his bar benefit if people gamble while they drink and watch football?  Oh, maybe it keeps them glued to the set longer, which means they consume more alcohol?

Meanwhile, definitely see no problem with the promoted combination of drinking and gambling.  Yeah, those are two things that go GREAT together, like drinking and driving almost.  For shame, Jacopo!

Dominoes made this "Treat Yourself" specifically for people like me

 

First, you've got the two twentysomethings who look like they are absolutely thrilled to be overworked, underpaid minions of a multi-billion-dollar company like it's freaking Microsoft back in the days when they had all those goofy extras at HQ.  Just, no.  There's no way Dominoes employees are anywhere close to this excited about simply working at Dominoes- but these clowns are promoting the crap out of the place like they are shareholders or something.

Second, yes- because I am who I am- I just have to address the, err, elephant in the room.  The woman ordering Dominoes doesn't look like she has to be talked into treating herself.  Perhaps the actual goal is to ruin her appetite?  That would be a nice twist ending for this stupid dreck.  Certainly better than the flat "can I please have my pizza" from a woman who kind of obviously came in to buy a pizza WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO TALK HER INTO BUYING A PIZZA YOU STUPID KNOBS?

This Stupid Progressive "Drive-Thru" Insurance Ad...and an appeal for help for a YouTube Commenter...

 

1.  Why did the people in this vehicle leave it to the driver to remember all of their orders?  Why aren't they just giving them individually?  

2.  Given this guy's inability to articulate a full sentence, I'm not sure I would ride with him because I'm not sure I'd trust his ability to operate heavy machinery. 

3.  Anyone else think that the switch is all about getting a multimillionaire to pick up the whole tab?

And finally- to what I'm sure is a very nice guy in the comment section....please, if you are "on the floor" as a result of this commercial...well, I really hope that the next Administration takes the treatment of mental illness much more seriously.  Good luck getting through the next three years, buddy.

King Hawaiian Rolls and Eli Manning think that Fahrenheit 451 is a cool story

 

There's nothing this overexposed hack won't do for a few extra bucks to add to the pile, I guess...

You see, it's FUNNY because it's Eli Manning and he's supposed to be a NERD and we KNOW he's 

supposed to be a NERD because he's wearing glasses and an ugly sweater and hanging out with fellow unattractive NERDS doing NERD LOSER THINGS like being in BOOK CLUBS and we all know that book clubs are only for LOSERS.  Cool people aren't in book clubs because cool people don't READ, they watch FOOTBALL and eat sliders made with King Hawaiian rolls because they are COOL.

The only thing missing here is the old book club celebrating their graduation to COOLNESS by burning those books while WATCHING TV LIKE A REAL AMERICAN.  That would "sure beat the book club" and put an apostrophe on this "lighthearted" assault on intellectualism courtesy of King Hawaiian Rolls. 

Jason Statham: If you've seen one....

 

When I first heard the radio ad for this film, I thought it was an SNL skit:  "Jason Statham plays an ex-agent forced out of retirement to protect his little girl..." 

So....basically...Jason Statham plays Jason Statham in a Jason Statham film.  Ex-agent forced out of retirement to protect an innocent person from bad guys?  Can I assume he'll be beating up entire gangs of thugs with his bare hands, with at least a few slow-motion cuts, until finally confronting the Big Bad and killing (or, for a slight change of pace because he does do this sometimes) arresting him after beating him up too?

I mean, I get it: predictability can be very comforting.  But man, it costs $25 these days to go to the movies, and they are usually available on some streaming service by the time you get back home with your unfinished bucket of corn (oh wait, I forgot the snacks; make that $50.)  And speaking of buckets of corn....yeah, Jason Statham is technically an actor who clearly has a very lucrative career playing Jason Statham.  But be honest, Statham fans- if I randomly popped one of his eighty films into a DVD player and started running it from twenty minutes in, could you name it with any level of confidence? I mean, with less than five guesses?  I doubt it. 

I don't want to knock anyone's hustle, but geeeeeesh.  If you go to the theater with any doubt in your mind about how every single scene is going to play out, I kind of feel sorry for you.  Actually, I think you're just in denial.  Either way, enjoy the two servings of nutrition-free popcorn; the one in the bucket on your lap, and the one on the screen. 

Mr. Sandless seeks Mr. Clueless for Scammy Franchise Non-Opportunity

 

The radio version of this ad boasts of the "low franchise fee" of "only $20,000," adding the fatal words "you can put that on a credit card"- the tag line of every multi-level marketing "opportunity." 

Let me explain something that you should already know if you really have the business skills to run a franchise:  If your credit is so broken that you need to put a franchise fee on a credit card, you have no BUSINESS thinking that you can run a BUSINESS.  The average interest rate for people with GOOD credit is 19.99%.  You can't get a small business loan from your local bank or credit union but are ready to max out your credit card to start a business?  

You think I'm going to trust you to sand my floors?  I wouldn't even let you through the door.  Once you're in, you'd probably refuse to leave until I agreed to join your Downline because Hey Selling Essential Oils to your Facebook Friends is a great way to generate Passive IncomeTM.

Why is this awful Verizon commercial even a thing?

 

"Well, at Verizon you can bring in any bill..." stop right there with Non-sequitur theater, Karen.  This isn't Verizon.  Does it look like Verizon?

You can put that tv down now, buddy.  It's not your burden to carry.  Put it down and tell this idiot woman to leave the store and take her ancient heavy junk with her.  Does this place LOOK like a Goodwill or recycling center?

"Not as cool as Verizon!"  I bet he can live with that, as long as you say it while you leave and add that you're so put out that you'll never come back.  

What the hell?  This woman is leaving the minimum wage worker holding her heavy television as she leaves?  Call the police.  I think I've already implied that this is NOT a Goodwill or a recycling center.  This is NOT WHERE YOU GET TO DUMP YOUR OLD ELECTRONICS, KAREN.

And after you call the police, call the local mental facility.  I'm pretty sure that if they do a head count, they'll notice that one of their long-term residents is missing.  Along with her television set. 

So again- why is this a thing?

There's Nothing to Like in this JP Morgan "Honeymoon" ad

 

First of all, there's zero relatable about a couple in their- what, late 20s?- thinking about things like  Safaris and purchasing ranches in Montana.  With horses.

Second, these people come off as almost unbearably superficial and casual about money.  The guy is daydreaming about going on a Safari and even asks the JP Morgan guy if they can afford one.  The JP Morgan guy says sure, it will just take some planning- but is practically interrupted by another thought: wait, no- how about if they want to purchase a ranch in Montana?  With horses?

The JP Morgan guy, who if he's human is completely nauseated by the entitlement oozing out of these people by now, suggests that ok, we can look at "both those scenarios."  If I were him, I'd wait a few minutes for one of them to suggest that what they really want to do is go on a year-long cruise or maybe take a ride with Space X.  That's the level of maturity I'm hearing here.

Oh but wait, one of them mentions that maybe they'd like to start a family- a baby.  Or babies.  No, just one baby.  Which tells me that these twats haven't spent more than a few minutes talking about their future in the past two years, assuming that they've even been together for two years.  Safaris, ranches in Montana, maybe a baby or maybe two or maybe not...ugh, all these jagoffs have is money.  

And since the title of the ad is "Honeymoon," it's fair to assume that they just got married.  So they are having conversations about the future that people with two brain cells each usually have BEFORE the ceremony.  Better late than never, I guess- but personally, I'm not in favor of children getting married in the first place.  And let's face it- I don't care what the birthdates on the IDs say.  These people are children.  Rich children, but children.  And one of the options they are considering is....spreading the dumb to the next generation.  

Just for Fun- another look at that horrific America's Best Eyeglasses and Contacts Commercial

 

This one will always hold a very special place in my heart, because happening upon it on YouTube back in late 2008 helped convince me to start this blog in the first place.

Thirty-five years later, I think it's safe to conclude that this insane woman is living in an Assisted Living Home and is never, ever visited by her children, who can't forget that Christmas where mom gave them all appointments to get their eyes checked instead of actual presents, and how they all "got to" pick out cheap ugly frames from the discount bin at America's favorite discount vision center.   Almost as special as that day when Child Protective Services showed up and told mom that no, she could NOT wait until birthdays came around to surprise her kids with maintenance of their vaccine schedule.  RFKjr was not yet in charge of that stuff, unfortunately for her. 

So mom "went away" a while back and the kids have moved on, trying hard to keep her name out of the Thanksgiving Day conversations (Thanksgiving was always the day mom gifted them with an entire years' supply of vitamins, so it's always a bit touchy) and steering well clear of that Home We Put Her In Though She Doesn't Deserve Even That Much Consideration, the Crazy Nutter. 

Cher and the most depressing Uber Eats Commercial I've ever seen

 

Why is this commercial so depressing?  Let us count the ways:

1.  It's stunningly overproduced.  Think of how much time and expense and talent went into making this thing, and all of the actual beneficial things that could have been produced for society with even one-tenth of that effort.  Instead we get...this.  

2.  Cher orders a time machine using Uber Eats?  I don't get the joke.  Is it that you can order almost anything with Uber Eats?  If so, why is it called Uber Eats?  Or is it that the Uber Eats app read Cher's order for thyme as an order for "time?"  How thin can you stretch a premise before it snaps back and hits you in the face (more about faces in a moment?)  Who orders thyme from Uber Eats?  What the actual hell?

3.  Uber Eats, Doordash, etc. are all horrible companies that do immeasurable damage to the environment while paying their employees as uninsured independent contractors.  Why is Cher, who has a reputation as a prominent social liberal, promoting an exploitive company whose business model depends on gig workers and produces ungodly amounts of pollution?

4.  Yes, I get the gag is the reference to "If I Could Turn Back Time."  I don't care.  The juice is not worth the squeeze.  This is a six year old telling the same joke to everyone at the party multiple times. 

5.  No, Cher, you can't turn back time, no matter how often you get your face frozen with injections of Botox.  Seriously, the creepiest and saddest thing about this ad is how expressionless your face is.  Are you even CAPABLE of showing emotion anymore, or are those muscles permanently locked in place? Sonny Bono's face shows more range in his facial expressions and he's been dead for three decades.

What does any of this have to do with chicken again?

 

I watch this ad and the only thought that comes to mind is "when on Earth did everyone in the United States become a shameless exhibitionist convinced that every other person in the United States was interested in their reaction to everything?"

In other words, did we just wake up one day and decide that whatever we were doing, whatever we were watching, whatever we were taking in at that moment needed to be captured on video and shared with the planet?  And how did we convince others to go along with this intense level of narcissism? I mean, take a look at this ad- a lot of these videos are not individual efforts.  Someone had to point the phone and watch the subject as he watched tv, or ran into another room, or did....something. Anything.  

Why?  What compels people to do this?  Why is this interesting or entertaining to anyone?

Meanwhile- Chic-fil-e is good food.  Too bad they are closed on Sundays, since my most common travel days are Sundays and Chic-fil-e exists on the Jersey Turnpike.  Also too bad they are run by horrible sexist retrograde fundamentalist loons but again, it's good food. 

BET MGM presents: The most expensive cracked windshield of all time

 

So these three people are on a trip somewhere but a freak hailstorm results in a cracked windshield and shelter sought in a sleepy sports bar.  Because they are driving one of those fancy new cars that won't operate if a windshield is cracked, they part about thirty yards from the sports car instead of in one of the many parking spaces near the front door and needlessly get drenched running inside. 

They notice that a football game is being broadcast on the bar's television and instead of acting like sane people and calling AAA or SafeLite to arrange for the repair on their car, they instantly pulled out their phones, pulled up the BET MGM app and "put together a live parlay" because of course they did.  Calling for assistance, having a drink at the bar, just having a conversation and enjoying the game- none of these even occurred to them, at least not until the opportunity to gamble on a whim was seized.  I mean, look at them- they aren't even dried off.  They haven even seated themselves.  Priorities, people.

What a wonderful modern world we live in, where a quick, unplanned stop-over at a local bar turns into a chance to indulge in addictive behavior and the whole thing is sold to us as Fun because Capitalism Uber Alles in this awful, awful country.  The fun punchline would be that by the time the repair guys do show up to fix the crack in the windshield, the owner's ability to make payments has been compromised by the "fun" had with the spontaneous decision to bet on a game because it's on a tv screen and it's possible to bet on it.  Gross. 

Kevin Hart, LeBron James and making crippling addiction --- funny?

 

If the comments aren't just bots, I have to accept the idea that many, many people not only find Kevin Hart funny but also find it funny that Kevin Hart and LeBron James, two multi-millionaires, enjoy hanging out with each other and celebrating the joys of online gambling especially when they can get five dollars of free money to massage that burgeoning addiction with.

So I'm just going to say that the comments are bots.  I'm also going to say that Kevin Hart's career is some kind of twisted joke being played on a worldwide audience.  I will sleep better this way.

LiMu Emu, Doug, and a sadly efficient parachute manufacturer ruin my football-watching experience.

 

The only possible happy ending* for this ad is that the guy drones on so long about insurance that he forgets to pull the ripcord and he and the stupid CGI emu are just a flat damp spot in the parking lot.  Leaving the fans to continue to enjoy the game without being interrupted by a g-d damn commercial they could have stayed home to watch on their televisions and leaving absolutely nothing of value lost. 

And no, I am not even going to mention the comment section this time.  The people who enjoy this played-to-death schlock....well, they vote. Obviously.

(By the way, the most famous guy to ever actually parachute into a sporting event ended up being pulled into the crowd and nearly beaten to death before being rescued by police officers.  Remember?  It was during the Riddick Bowe-Evander Holyfield rematch back in 1993.  That could happen and count as a happy ending to this ad, too.)

Makes sense to start the year with a deeply depressing Royal Kingdom Ad

 

The couple in this ad used to have a cool tradition- they'd get together and have a game night, playing simple board games while probably having nice conversations, basically using the game as nothing more than the foundation for the evening, the prop that makes the evening happen.

But one day the guy got severely addicted to an expensive, gambling-adjacent, brain cell-destroying smart phone game and decided that playing that game was all that mattered- so much so that none of the board games he and the girl used to play are not only unnecessary, but actually offensive to his eyes and must cease to contaminate Game Night. 

After all, Royal Kingdom is sponsored by all the usual suspects- LeBron James, Kevin Hart, Jimmy Fallon- who have no other incentive other than to pitch us another way to lose our money.  So it MUST be fun and certainly a better investment in time than silly board games and the conversations they encourage.

In real life, it would be nice to believe that the girl is deeply offended and saddened at the idea of replacing board game night with the two of them sitting in separate chairs staring at their individual phones playing another stupid game that literally vacuums money out of their pockets as they "progress."  She might as what the point of him even coming over to her house if they aren't going to interact in any way beyond her answering the door and letting him in (oh wait, she doesn't even have to do that.)  Because it's 2025, she's hooked after three seconds of looking at a screen because oh look it's got blinking lights so it's Uber Entertaining.  Man I'm glad I'm old.

And on this sad note, we begin 2025.  I am not optimistic.

Questions for the Cotton Candy-stealing Allstate Guy

 

1.  How do you "make sure nobody is watching" you do something while sitting in a football stadium with 100,000 other people?

2.  You know you are sitting directly behind Charles Woodson and it didn't occur to you that you might be on camera at any time?

3. Why would any adult steal a piece of air-blown, chemically-colored sugar from a kid in the first place?  You really want to eat that?  

4.  What the actual f--- does any of this have to do with car insurance?  Why are you checking for insurance rates while sitting at a football game?  

From the Wayback Machine: This Awful Comcast "Tree of Shame" ad from 2003

 

When I first started this blog, I actually looked for this ad because it was still on television and I found it absolutely horrifying.  I stumbled upon it on YouTube just the other day and figured better late than never.  Let's talk about this ridiculous family and the lengths it goes to to be as inert as possible.

The guy and his wife complain that the signal from their satellite dish or antennae was being blocked by the foliage in their backyard.  Because Television Uber Alles, the guy actually got himself outside in the fresh air and sunshine and did some physical work that didn't involve scrolling (this was 2003, after all- scrolling wasn't really a thing yet.)  At least, I think he did- he says that in response to a $400 estimate for tree clearage he "did some pruning."  Oh, who am I kidding- he means he paid other people to do that work.  While he worked on that dad-shaped dent in the couch.

After all these efforts, he had a natural wooden pole where a tree used to be and I guess the signal still wasn't very good, so the family decided to go back to cable.  We are told this as a way-too-big toddler lurches across the screen (at the 24 second mark, certainly the saddest moment in this entire commercial,)  already exhibiting the consequences of being a member of this disgusting family.

Because, I'm sorry, but we can't ignore the elephant in the room:  This television-obsessed family is morbidly obese, and the very last thing it needs is more Sedentary Time in front of the Boob Tube.  This will sound dark but I actually have to wonder if the adult male and female in this ad are even still alive today.  They look like walking- or wobbling- Diabetes.  And how did those kids turn out?  Are they chips off the old block of lard?   Are they currently as into Netflix and staring at their phones as mom and dad were in watching cable tv?

"Subaru" is Japanese for "Shameless:" That "Share the Love Event" ad

 

Let's see if I get this straight:

Subaru is a Deeply CaringTM Company because (for a limited time*) it will give a donation to the American Cancer Society for every Subaru purchased.   That's the message they want us to take in, and here's a cancer victim they're willing to exploit in the process of selling it. 

Now let's break this down and expose why this is cynical, shameless, and just plain gross:

The deal is that Subaru will give a "Minimum Contribution" of $300 for each Subaru purchased or leased between 12/20/2025 and 01/02/2026.  Yeah, this is a VERY limited time offer.  Not even two full weeks.  But we aren't supposed to notice that- the Awwwwww Isn't Subaru Wonderful vibes are supposed to last a lot longer.  Is this a popular time of year to buy a new car?  I don't know, maybe.  I doubt that has anything to do with the timing of this ad however, unless there's a sense of desperation to get the 2025s off the lot before they depreciate even more.

Yeah, but it's a super-generous offer anyway, right?  Well, let's see how generous it really is:

According to Edmunds.com, depending on the model, a new Subaru Outback will run you anywhere from $31,000 to $46,000.  The same site informs me that the typical Lease deal on the same car will run anywhere from $340 to $700 or more a month, assuming $2500 down, plus interest.  In other words, Subaru's very very generous Heart of Gold Offer amounts to something considerably less than one percent of the total price of the purchase, or less than a single payment, or less than 20% of a single down payment, or far, far less than the interest the dealership will make on any sale or lease deal. 

But I guess we're supposed to ignore all that and focus on the sweet sweet Hallmark-level commercial and the moment which I guess was made possible by Subaru Somehow Just Turn Your Brain Off And Don't Think About It Too Much Just Buy a Subaru Don't You Want To Cure Cancer You Ghouls?

Here's an Alternate Proposal:  Maybe spending $30,000 or more buying a Subaru isn't the most efficient way to help fund the cure for cancer.  How about writing a check to the American Cancer Society instead?  That way you give to a good cause without funding an exploitive corporation AND aren't locked in to a multiyear contract to drive an overrated, overpriced vehicle because you were guilted by a tv commercial into it a few days after Christmas in 2025.