Hyundai's Getaway Sales Event "Confession" ad is as dumb as it gets

 

You see, it's funny because Catholics are required to go to confession every so often and the priest who hears this confession decides to go ahead and indulge in the same "sin" that Good Catholic confessed...yeah, no kidding, that's the entire joke.

If I had a nickel for every time the Catholic Confession Ritual was played for laughs on commercials, in movies, sitcoms etc. I'd be really, really wealthy.  I've never understood why this particular sacrament is considered in the Public Domain when we pretty much NEVER see any other religious practices mocked or evenly politely commented on, but I know it predates the unfortunate scandals concerning the church that have dominated the headlines for the past fifty years or so. 

In this ad, Hyundai continues the stupid bit of pretending that it's deals during their Seasonal Sales Event are so good, you really might feel like you did something wrong by participating in it.  Let me set my audience straight on this:  If you drive off the lot in a new car worried that a mistake was made and you got away with something, that means only one thing- the salesman did an excellent job convincing you that he was doing you a huge favor while he was picking your pocket.  It is the dream of every car salesman to have a customer convinced that if he doesn't sign on the dotted line right now the SALESMAN will change his mind and refuse to sell.  All those car ads that show people dashing off to the showrooms to claim cars "before they are all gone" like they are rushing to grab the last seat on the Titanic's last lifeboat- please.

The woman in the Confessional has nothing to Confess.  The priest probably does, though whatever it is probably has nothing to do with his coveting of a freaking Hyundai.  The only obvious guilty party is the scumbag sales person who is convincing people that they are getting Steals on overpriced Not-Toyotas, making them feel so badly about "cheating" their Hyundai Dealership that they feel the need to go to Confession.  That guy should be ashamed, but he's too busy depositing his commission at the moment.

A McDonald's and A Quiet Place III crossover ad?

 

Unless flesh-eating monsters are going to break down the door and devour these two morons (what I would call "a happy ending") their behavior throughout this commercial is the most preposterous slop I think I've ever seen, and I've seen a LOT of preposterous slop coming out of the advertising world over the past five decades or so....

Seriously, these people act as if some horrific disaster will come down on their heads if one of their babies wakes up, and that their babies will wake up if a penny falls on the carpet.  They are living in a horrific dystopia- not only are they terrified of their children, but they are reduced to ordering vastly marked-up processed garbage "food" from McDonald's.  I wish them speedy relief from the hellscape they are living in (preferably delivered by flesh-eating monsters.)  

By the way, what does that guy pay for his delivery with? It almost looks like cash.  I caught a glimpse of that stuff a few times last week, when I found myself stuck behind people who had inexplicably dropped in from the 1970s and were using it to buy donuts and fancy coffee and iced drinks and pretty much everything else when I was trying to get Iris her strawberry donut and myself my black coffee so I could get on with life.  Is that a tip?  What country was this filmed in?  What is going on here?

M&T Bank and another Family Winery

 

"this farm has been in our family since the 1700s..."

Hmm.  Farm in the Chesapeake Region producing a cash crop.  Since the 1700s.  I can't help but wonder who provided most of the hard labor on this "family farm" before, say, 1865 or so.  I'm guessing that they didn't look at all like the guy waxing poetic about his Family's Contribution to Alcohol Consumption that goes back to pre-Revolutionary Days.

This is the SECOND M&T commercial featuring a family winery.  By my estimate, about one in 6 Americans already owns a winery, a microbrewery, or both.  And (also by my estimate, I'm not going to look it up) approximately 60 percent of all small businesses in the United States produce alcohol, coffee, or cupcakes.  I'd say that market is pretty saturated- one look at the wine section at your local grocery store will show you that they ran out of names for wineries several decades ago and are just using random name generators now.

So...um, M&T?  Maybe start diversifying a little bit?  How about showing us the Heartwarming Story of a Small Business Owner whose Dream is NOT to produce a luxury item in a market where that item is literally a dime a dozen?  I mean, it's not like I'm going to be without wine if these guys go under- or if Kathy's Kwirky Kupcakes and Koffee can't get a loan to float them to the next quarter.

The lost (but necessary) verses of Billy Joel's "Piano Man"

 

And Billy he sits at his keyboard

Condescension it drips from his face

Ignoring the prominent tip jar 

He thinks that he owns the whole place

"I know the back story of every man

who regularly haunts this old bar

and I pretend I'm so much Better Than

and nowhere the Losers they are."

_______________________________________________

"Sing us a song you're the Piano Man

there's no reason to just make us wait

and we don't need permission

'cause you're just a musician

so why do you think your life's so Great?  

--OR--

"Hey Piano Man just stuff your attitude

we're not here to be frowned on by you

we don't need any pity 

and we don't think you're witty

and remember that you're in here too."

What the F is with this Small Business Ad?

 

You know, if you want my business maybe DON'T launch a series of ads telling me that Entrepreneurs are "built different," as if you are of a Superior Line to us 9-5 Lessars.

Because in the end, it's our money- gained from 9 to 5 jobs- that you're grubbing for, depend on, and simply cannot survive without.  So maybe get out of my face with this "we're built different" BS.  Frankly, I don't give a damn if your Quirky Little Shop That's Been Your Dream Ever Since You Figured You Were Too Good For The Grind survives or not.  I don't give a damn how hard you think you work, or how hard you actually do work.  No matter WHAT you are offering the public, it is definitely NOT unique to your business and I absolutely guarantee I can get it somewhere else.  Maybe the quality won't be as good, but it will be cheaper.  Maybe the quality will be better, it will just be more expensive.  Maybe it will be equal in all respects except that can get it faster from someone else.

Or maybe, just maybe, I can get it from someone who isn't going to assault me with a bragging "We're Just Better Than You" ad campaign "explaining" why self-styled Entrepreneurs are "Just Built Differently" from this career 9-to-5er who, sorry, doesn't owe you one damn thing including money.

You're dumb enough even for Autotrader? Really?

 

"I get shopping for cars on line- but you're really going to BUY one online?"

"Really."

"You're really going to pick out a car based on AI-enhanced images?"

"Really."

"You're going to commit to payments of $530 a month for SIXTY MONTHS without even test-driving the car?"

"Really."

"And you're really going tto do this with a year-old Hyundai Tuscan?" 

"Really."

"And you're really going to do all this and have the dealership just drop off the car without you even taking it to a mechanic and having it checked out?  A Hyundai?"

"Really."  

"Not even a simple walk around the car to check for dings, not even a quick look at the engine so you can PRETEND to have a clue, not even a glance at the interior to check for cracks, stains, rips...Really?"

"Really."

"Could you do me a favor?  Please tell me I'm adopted.  I mean- are you Really my biological parent?"

"Really."

"I'm so totally screwed." 

Optima Tax Relief- Yes, it's complicated. No, I don't care.

 

"You don't want to take on the IRS alone..."

So, um....pay your taxes.  Regularly, and accurately.  That way, you'll probably never have to take on the IRS, alone or otherwise.

Most recent Optima Tax Relief Ads include a line about the tax code being "too complicated."  I actually agree that filing taxes is too complicated and this complication seems to be by design, as the result of lobbying by professional tax prep services (NOT to make it easier for the IRS to "come after" innocent "victims" of complicated paperwork.)  But the line is included in the ads to suggest that the main reason people fail to pay taxes is because it's too complicated, a philosophy that (it seems to me) goes hand in hand with the argument that most people steal because paying for things is hard and most people who drive drunk do so because alcohol is delicious and the United States lacks Walkable Cities.

In other words....Just, No.  You can't convince me that the great majority of people who do not file taxes fail because they just can't figure out HOW.  Naw, they don't file because they don't want to pay.  I'm sure it's comforting to a thief to be called a "victim" who is being "targeted" by the Big Bad Government but let's be honest- failing to file taxes because doing so is "complicated" doesn't make it any less of a crime.  

The very name "Tax Relief" irritates me to no end.  It's bad enough that there are endless loopholes and shelters available to the very rich, whose tax burden is ALREADY very low compared to pretty much every other nation in the Western World.  I don't have a tear to shed for anyone who wants "relief" from paying their share of the cost of keeping their country afloat while they enjoy all the benefits OUR tax dollars provide.  We are the ones who need Relief- from scofflaws who think that they are exceptional cases who should be allowed to skate on their financial obligations to the society they live in.  

Declare Independence by taking on Debt!

 

(Yes, I know I'm using the same ad as a few days ago, but who watches them anyway?  I have a few more points to make.)

The fully-equipped Toyota Capstone (shown being used to pick up coffee in this ad) has an out-the-door price of $83,000.  That's not a misprint- the price starts with an EIGHT.

At 4.9% financing (available only to customers with credit scores in the top 10%) and no money down, this translates into payments of $1193 spread out over Seventy-Two Months.)  The AVERAGE new car of ANY model carries a note of $775 per month for an average of SIXTY months.  Buying this truck isn't a Declaration of Independence; it's the taking of a new mortgage.  

I also love that this ad shows a young black woman buying the truck.  The average black family in the United States has an annual income of $56,000 compared to just over $80,000 for the average white family.  This truck is not a feasible purchase for white people; it's downright insulting to show a twenty-something black girl buying one.  (BTW, how many twentysomething black girls in the United States do you think qualify for 4.9% financing?  How many who AREN'T celebrities?)

I bet people who buy these things are sold on the fact that they are, after all, Toyotas and not Kias or Hyundais or (g-d forbid) Jeeps or Fords and therefore at least will provide reliable transportation and keep more of their value over the seven years they are going to be chained at the hip to them.  But still- signing away money that could be building equity in a retirement fund for a depreciating asset that wasn't worth anything close to the price tag when BRAND NEW is shocking-stupid and definitely something I would expect an inexperienced, silly young person to do with a huge smile on her face while a salesperson (who absolutely has something to celebrate) shoots off confetti.

Cool Cove ACs- this summer's Robot Rabbits

 

I strongly believe that there's a factory somewhere in Eastern Europe that is constantly marketing and manufacturing something- ANYTHING- in response to whatever the hot (no pun intended) trend is in the Western World.

Christmas?  Check out these AI-enhanced robot puppies that "respond to your child's commands."  (Actually, the are just the same bark, wobble and flip junk toys that have been available at the Dollar Store for years now.)  Easter?  Now the AI-enhanced robots are rabbits, not puppies.  Otherwise, the exact same product.

A brutal heatwave in the Developed (Western, Rich, filled with stupid people with money) World?  Let's crank out fake "miracle air conditioners" that can cool rooms from 90 to 60 degrees in seconds with zero installation, no condensation, and very little electricity used- the "miracle" is found in the breaking of the laws of physics and thermodynamics.  Let's buy cheap (again, AI-generated) ads with fake five-star reviews and plaster them all over Facebook where ignorant dopes looking for some relief can get suckered in with the promise of cool temperatures at low cost and minimal effort.  Never mind that these "air conditioners" are nothing more than cheap electric fans sold at enormous markups despite the low-on-the-surface cost (if the advertised price is $19.99 plus shipping from Croatia or Vietnam, it's actually closer to $30, and if you ever actually get the product- long after the heat wave has passed- you'll find that you bought a tiny $2 fan encased in an unnecessarily large plastic container.)  

This same "product" will be rebranded as a Miracle Heater this winter, I guarantee it.  And it will sell, because people are Dumb.  I mean, CarShield is still a thing, right?  

Toyota: Good Cars, Stupid Commercials

 

With the single exception of my very first car, a 1974 Superbeetle purchased for me by my Volkswagen-devotee grandfather, every single automobile I've ever owned has been a Toyota or a Honda.   I think they are the best values on the market and have been for more than forty years, so I generally shy away from ragging on their commercials all that often.

Still, Jan the Toyota Spokeschoad has certainly gone to seed and even if she hadn't, this commercial for the Toyota Summer Sales Event is Peak Dumb.  First, we get the usual "purchasing this truck is your gateway to amazing summer adventures for reals," like it's impossible to complete a backyard project or take a trip to the mountains or the beach unless it's in an SUV masquerading as a work truck.  Never mind that last weekend I lugged 12 bags of volcanic rock home from the Tractor Supply Store in my 2-door Coupe.  Never mind that I regularly use the same car for week-long beach vacations.  I'm sure it would be much easier and, more importantly, FUN and EXCITING in a brand new truck, but I proved it could be done. 

Second, we get a look at what these "trucks" are actually going to be used for- picking up coffee at the Drive-Thru.  Something I'm really quite sure I can pull off in my Coupe but to be safe perhaps better not even attempt it without first purchasing a $30,000 Not-Truck from Jan.  After all, if I'm going to be a typical American truck owner, I'm going to be hauling a lot more drive-thru coffee than landscaping supplies and I'm going to be taking a lot more trips by myself to the store than with family to the beach or the mountains.  Not letting a dog in my car though.  No way.  

CarShield is still Legal in 49 states and DC. That IS scary.

 

Know what's scarier than driving a car that's out of warranty?

Well, actually...pretty much everything is scarier than driving a car out of warranty.  I've always said that buying a new car because it comes with a warranty is one of the dumbest sucker bet in retail- sure the warranties are legit in that they'll cover everything they say they'll cover, but they are also timed to last exactly until the new car's peak years have passed.  Three years, 30,000 miles?  Yeah, it's AFTER that point when you'll need new brakes, replacement parts, etc. etc. ETC.  NOT before.  So what did you actually get with that warranty?  Peace of mind?  Why were you concerned that a brand new car was going to fail within three years, 30,000 miles, especially when you specifically BOUGHT a new car because you didn't want to deal with the problems that come with a used one?  Did you really think this through?

Here's what I find scary- the idea that after class-action lawsuits by multiple Attorneys General, this scummy company is still hiring B-listers to pitch their crap to people who can't be bothered to do a quick Google search using the phrase CARSHIELD SCAM REPORTS or IS CARSHIELD A SCAM.  That there are thousands of people who continue to purchase BS warranties not worth the pieces of paper they aren't printed on from a company because its spokespeople are kind of recognizable.  That CarShield can settle for millions of dollars for deceptive practices and failure to pay out claims and STILL be able to afford to pitch it's phony not-available-in-California non-coverage to unsuspecting, vulnerable people who can least afford to hand over money and then find out that no, sorry, if you looked at the contract you'd note that the repair cannot be done without servicing one part which is not covered Because Reasons remember you were told All Covered Repairs are Covered, not that all repairs are covered there is a huge difference....

"Someone should help her."  You could do that right now- by urging her to put the money she was tempted to send to CarShield every month and put it into a separate high-yield savings account instead.  If the car breaks down, there's the money in that account to fix it.  If the car doesn't break down, there's the money in that account to spend in some other way.  Best of all, CarShield doesn't get to use any of it to hire has-beens for their commercials or attorneys to handle the next class action lawsuit.  Now isn't that much, much better?

Cheerios- just...why?

 

Hey look, it's a depiction of an adult American male acting like a total cringey doofus in a commercial.  So we know it's the 21st century in this ad, anyway.

I get that for decades, women were infantilized in stupid, sexist commercials written by men, paid for by men, and aired by networks owned by men.  I get that women were cast in stupid, sexist sitcoms written, directed, and produced by men (the sitcom formula of completely normal if not downright ugly men matched with hot younger women is very much alive and well even in present day.)  But I was raised to believe that two wrongs don't make a right.  Apparently this is not a popular philosophy in the world of Advertising, however. 

Moron Dad is back again, mortifying his children by acting like an embarrassing loon at the breakfast table.  His kids just want to eat their morning meal and get a start to their typical eight hours of screentime with their phones, but for some reason Dad has to make a spectacle of himself prancing around the kitchen, prompting the kids to sing (or, at least, bleat) the praises of freaking Cheerios.  Why?  Well, other than to pay those debts accrued over sixty years of portraying women as dopey eye candy, I have no idea. 

As to the product- as far as cereal goes, Cheerios is ok- even better than most.  That being said, it's still just mostly empty carbs nobody really needs in the morning, or at any other time of the day.  An egg or two would be much better, but if Dad ever finds that out, I'm downright terrified at the display he might put on while dishing out a plate of scrambled chicken fetuses.  

"Tell me something good?"  Um, none of our friends is here to witness this, and this is one thing I have no intention of streaming to Tiktok.  There.  

Epicooler: the short version

 

"Epicooler is an air conditioner that functions almost exactly the same way as every other air conditioner, but we'll describe it using words like 'for personal use' and 'non-permanent installation' and  'ambient' to make it sound special- never mind that, again, this describes every other air conditioner."

"Epicooler is 1 percent repackaged AC unit and 99 percent AI-generated scammy nonsense, which is why it's not available at any brick and mortar store or even at Amazon- that's right, this is a bridge too far even for the website that is happy to sell (not)-crystal Good Luck cat heads and robot rabbits that (don't, never did, never will) respond to commands and disappoint delight your child."

"In short, Epicooler is just this month's nonsense Miracle Product designed to grab up a few dollars before vanishing faster than the water vapor that magically vanishes into Nowhere instead of falling to the ground outside your window like every other air conditioner Because Physics.  It's a product that no Boomer unaware that Skynet is actually AI can do without."

Can Zendaya stop being a thing now?

 

I mean, at the very least, can T-Mobile and Apple find another spokesperson before introducing the Apple XIX or whatever is coming up next?  I can't be the only person out there totally over Zendaya's over-the-top "I'm so thrilled to death that T-Mobile and Apple are keeping me relevant with these stupid-ass commercials" performances.  This crap makes me miss those "can you hear me now?" ads- at least they focused on the phone's most important feature.  

Of course, nowadays I suppose most people don't really care if the person on the other end can hear them now, since they don't use their phones for calls anyway?  As long as they can stream or access Tiktok, their Phones Which Are Barely Phones work?

I don't want to hear, or see, Zendaya anymore.  So again- can she just stop being a thing now?

Why are all Insurance Commercials so insulting? Here's a quick explanation

 

Notice how commercials for insurance- be it for cars, homes or health care- never fail to treat the audience like we're all toddlers with bricks for brains, and tell us nothing or next to nothing about the benefits of the product being sold?  Instead we get CGI lizards and emus and Jake from State Farm stalking Pat Mahomes and if we have any brain cells at all (commenters on this YouTube post are obviously exempted) we are left wondering what on Earth any of this has to do with insuring our cars or homes or health.

Until now.  Because I've got the answer for you, free of charge, no stupid mascot or overexposed sports figures necessary.

Let's start with car insurance.  In every state in the country except New Hampshire (the weird state,) car insurance is an absolute requirement for legal use of the public roadways.  Want to operate a motor vehicle beyond your driveway?  You MUST purchase a minimum level of insurance from a licensed insurance broker.  

Now let's talk about home insurance.  Oddly, this is not technically required anywhere in the United States as long as you own your home outright.  However, if you are like the vast majority of home "owners" under the age of 60, a financial institution holds the mortgage on that house and every single one WILL require that you carry some form of insurance coverage on the home you jointly own.  And if you rent?  Landlords pretty much universally require that you carry some level of renter's insurance. 

Finally, let's look at health insurance.  From 2010 to 2019 there was an absolute legal requirement for all American citizens to carry a minimal level of health insurance from a licensed provider.  The federal requirement went away in 2019, but realistically the massive expense connected to health care represents a de facto requirement.  Sure, you can opt out of the health care insurance system- but you'll be one bad slip away from opting in to bankruptcy if you do.  Health insurance doesn't NEED to be a legal requirement any more than breathing does.  

See my point?  Insurance Companies don't create ads to convince you that you need to purchase their product.  They don't need to.  You have to purchase their product.  All these stupid commercials are doing is trying to convince you to buy THEIR version (because they've got a CGI Emu) instead of the OTHER GUY'S version (even though they've got a CGI Lizard) or that OTHER version (because they've got that old character actor you remember from the Spider-Man films) or still ANOTHER version (because they've got Jake and Pat Mahomes.)  They are appealing to a captive audience, so they aren't interested in selling us on the virtues of that product.  They are interested in planting their mascots into our brains so that when we buy what we HAVE to buy, we remember the cartoon character or that football player who used to win Super Bowls.  

Don't believe me?  Check out the comments.  I dare you.

Arsenio Hall, Payday Loans, and the Sad, Sad World of 2026

 

Once, there were loan sharks who worked out of the shadows of the back alleys.  Today, there are Payday loans available out of licensed, 100 percent legal "money stores" on every other corner of suburbia. 

Once, there were bookies.  Today, you can gamble using a super-cool phone app sold to you by every Hollywood A-lister and sports hero through ads shown during actual sporting events and financing entire pre-game and post-game shows.  

I really don't know which is worse- payday loans which charge interest rates which used to be illegal (until the Supreme Court in it's infinite wisdom decided that laws preventing the exploitation of economically desperate people were Unconstitutional) or commercials for gambling apps which make addiction look like the coolest thing imaginable and Good Clean Fun until you're evicted and your wife leaves with the kids and the dog you can't afford anymore anyway.

A few simple questions for Febreze Users

 

When you spill something on the floor, do you just throw a rug over the mess and go on with your life?

If you were to accidentally punch a hole in the wall, would your solution be to hang a portrait over it?

Is your response to the Check Engine light a piece of black tape covering up the the Check Engine light?

If the answer to all of these questions is "no," why would you ever "address" bad odors in your house with Febreze?  How does introducing an odor to overwhelm another odor accomplish anything positive?

I know that cleaning is not fun.  But neither is mold or germs.  And once you reach adulthood, you really should move beyond ignoring problems.  Just sayin.

My annual working vacation is upon me

 

Before dawn tomorrow, an Uber will (hopefully) arrive to whisk me off to National Airport, where an American Airlines plane will (hopefully) whisk me off to Kansas City, where I will spend a week accurately (hopefully) scoring Advanced Placement Exams, just as I have every year Except the Two Of Which We Must Not Speak since 2008.

Which means a week of scrambled eggs, veggie sausage, and lots and lots of coffee and Diet Coke and (hopefully) not too much of the candy on the table, walks during lunch break and the gym and pool every evening.  And no more screen time beyond what needs to be done to score the exams.  

So, no new posts until June 9.  Please enjoy the archives and see you back then (hopefully.)

Another stupid 4Imprint ad

 

If someone asked me while walking through some parking garage if I'm "4 imprint certain," I'd tell them that one thing I'm certain of is that a parking garage has an almost unlimited number of places in which to dump a body. 

That being said, I'm less than two days away from heading off to grade AP exams for an 18th straight year, which means it's time to pick up another complimentary refillable water bottle with the College Board AP Logo stamped on the front.  Back in the good old days, we'd also get umbrellas, backpacks, little blankets...and I still have my coffee tumbler from 2010.  But since just before COVID it's been that water bottle and nothing but that water bottle.  Oh well.  I'd probably lose anything they'd give me within a few hours anyway.  Unless they give us another coffee tumbler this year.  That'd be nice.

This CustomInk ad....

 

If the "TUMBLERS!" woman is the brains of this company, I think I've figured out why the investors pulled their funding.  

Meanwhile...yeah....I'm sure that the way to win back investor confidence is with junk swag like tumblers.  When's the IPO, guys? I've got my money ready!