When you spill something on the floor, do you just throw a rug over the mess and go on with your life?
If you were to accidentally punch a hole in the wall, would your solution be to hang a portrait over it?
Is your response to the Check Engine light a piece of black tape covering up the the Check Engine light?
If the answer to all of these questions is "no," why would you ever "address" bad odors in your house with Febreze? How does introducing an odor to overwhelm another odor accomplish anything positive?
I know that cleaning is not fun. But neither is mold or germs. And once you reach adulthood, you really should move beyond ignoring problems. Just sayin.
Before dawn tomorrow, an Uber will (hopefully) arrive to whisk me off to National Airport, where an American Airlines plane will (hopefully) whisk me off to Kansas City, where I will spend a week accurately (hopefully) scoring Advanced Placement Exams, just as I have every year Except the Two Of Which We Must Not Speak since 2008.
Which means a week of scrambled eggs, veggie sausage, and lots and lots of coffee and Diet Coke and (hopefully) not too much of the candy on the table, walks during lunch break and the gym and pool every evening. And no more screen time beyond what needs to be done to score the exams.
So, no new posts until June 9. Please enjoy the archives and see you back then (hopefully.)
If someone asked me while walking through some parking garage if I'm "4 imprint certain," I'd tell them that one thing I'm certain of is that a parking garage has an almost unlimited number of places in which to dump a body.
That being said, I'm less than two days away from heading off to grade AP exams for an 18th straight year, which means it's time to pick up another complimentary refillable water bottle with the College Board AP Logo stamped on the front. Back in the good old days, we'd also get umbrellas, backpacks, little blankets...and I still have my coffee tumbler from 2010. But since just before COVID it's been that water bottle and nothing but that water bottle. Oh well. I'd probably lose anything they'd give me within a few hours anyway. Unless they give us another coffee tumbler this year. That'd be nice.
If the "TUMBLERS!" woman is the brains of this company, I think I've figured out why the investors pulled their funding.
Meanwhile...yeah....I'm sure that the way to win back investor confidence is with junk swag like tumblers. When's the IPO, guys? I've got my money ready!
1. If Carvana makes you an instant, sight-unseen offer on your car, and you don't think you are being ripped off with a low bid, well, insert some cliche about a bridge in Brooklyn here. Earth to these morons: Carvana is NOT in the business of losing money. Carvana will NOT offer you one penny more than it thinks it has to for your ten-year old Toyota Rav4. If the offer was $16,000 (yeah, right) there is something seriously missing in this story. This isn't 2020 with COVID shortages.
2. Why do these people "need" to sell these cars? It's safe to assume they are paid for- there's no talk of negative equity or paying off bank notes. Why are you selling a paid-off car? Is it the obvious, depressing reason- because you want a new one to show well for your neighbors? It's like we are addicted to making payments. If the car is in such good shape that Carvana wants to offer you $16,000 why don't you JUST KEEP DRIVING IT YOU MORON?
One day, someone decided to make slippers that could be worn outside. On that same day, we collectively decided that the Hardest Thing To Do Ever was putting shoes with laces on our feet. It was like our 10,000 year Nightmare was Over and we had been rescued from the Agony that is Bending Over and Putting On Actual Shoes and Tying Them.
Some time later, we decided that Latin Women with explosive tempers are funny and entertaining. And some time after that, we decided that the whole Outdoor Slippers and Volcanic Latinas should be put into an ad to be shown during a Very Very Important Football Game because Reasons.
"Have you ever stopped to think why the average new car warranty is only three years or 36,000 miles?" Um, no- not really. But I'm willing to take this as something more than a rhetorical question and just answer it: The reason why new car warranties generally run three years or 36,000 miles is because that's the time and distance in which a new car can reasonably be categorized as "new."
Coincidentally, it's also a perfectly reasonable length of a car warranty. In three years a new car loses more than half it's value, but at 36,000 miles most cars are still fairly "new" in terms of wear and tear. The warranty is a nice shiny but basically worthless trinket that in the vast majority of cases will never be used. It's a Peace of Mind thing but if you get the oil changed and the other fluids topped off and the tires rotated once a year or so there's no reason why you should EVER need to use it, and I bet more than 90 percent of new car buyers never do.
Now, if you've got a car you bought new which is now out of warranty, you can do one of two things: You can put $99 per month into a special savings account as an emergency fund to deal with maintenance and keep your insurance up to date to deal with accidents. Or you can hand $99 a month (for the base-level warranty) to CarShield and kiss that money goodbye forever, because even if you do have a claim your chances of getting this scammy, regularly-sued company to pay out is next to Zero.
One ad has a guy tell us that he's "saved $2700" due to CarShield replacing his water pump and engine or something, but I bet that $2700 doesn't include the years of $99 payments. Because when you look at how much this "warranty" costs and how little it actually pays out, well, the Math doesn't Math.
The warranty that comes with the new car is fine. But buying a new warranty when it expires is just stupid, even if it's NOT CarShield (but it's especially stupid if it is.) Just take care of the damn car and save your money and stop handing it to a company that seems determined to hire every washed-up B-lister to pitch it's crap to the gullible and math-deficient. Times are tough. We have to do better.
A) has been scammed. She thought she was marrying a guy with loads of money, but as soon as they got back from their honeymoon found herself ordering furniture from Wayfair. I mean, come on- look at this guy. This is a seven-figure transaction.
B) is suffering from severe self-esteem issues. Again- look at him. And then look at her. What the actual hell? Is he hiding her passport? Can a neighbor call the authorities?
I lived in the suburbs of Buffalo from 1991 to 1995 and watched the Bills lose four straight Super Bowls. The Bills then went into complete collapse and could not get out of the shadow of Tom Brady. Brady ultimately exited the stage, only to be replaced by Pat Mahomes, the Bills' current nemesis blocking the team's way to the Promised Land, always there to knock Buffalo out in the playoffs.
Then Mahomes has a bad season, the Chiefs don't even make the playoffs at all, and the path is cleared for the Bills- only to have Buffalo inexplicably lose to a Broncos team which loses it's Quarterback to injury at the very end of the game (if he had gone down ten minutes earlier, the Bills certainly would have won and gone on to paste the Patriots in the Championship game a week later.) This is Babe Ruth Curse level stuff.
The Buffalo Sabres are the oldest franchise in the National Hockey League (established 1970) to never win a Stanley Cup. They've been in the Championship round twice, losing in six games in 1975 and getting swept in four in 1999. They make the playoffs pretty regularly- but have never lifted that cup in celebration. And last night they lost Game 7 to the Montreal Canadians- in Overtime, because that's how you maximize the pain- so fans are back to talking about Hope and Faith and Belief in Next Year.
It's always next year in Erie County. Next year, the Bills will go all the way. Next year, the Sabres will get over that hump. Next year, it won't snow nonstop from December to April and the sun will come out more than twice between Thanksgiving and Easter and the gas pedal won't stick to the floor because it's -20 again and you won't wonder "how the hell did I end up in this godforsaken place, and why can't we at least celebrate a winning team as compensation at least ONCE?"
"Hey Paris, who are you wearing?" Hmm. That's not even in the top three of the list of questions I had when I saw Paris Hilton in a commercial Not for Carl Jr's hamburgers. Here's how I responded to seeing this person appear on my television screen:
1. "Wait...you're still a thing?"
2. "Why were you ever a thing?"
3. "Could you please stop being a thing now?"
Honorable Mention: "Can I assume that we aren't getting a sequel to The Hottie and the Nottie?"
This is like watching a bunch of seamstresses being shown a Spinning Jenny and thinking "wow, this is absolutely amazing, what a wonderful time to be alive!" Never mind that the machine they are being shown was literally built to make their skills irrelevant.
What we are watching here is people eagerly embracing an App that will very quickly make them an expensive, obsolete burden to their employers-- and, ultimately, Unemployed and Unemployable. Well, I guess at least that will give them more time with their phones and something to do while doom-scrolling LinkedIn, desperately searching for an AI-proof job that will allow them to keep food on the table.
For those of you who don't live in Maryland, April McClain Delaney is a freshman congressperson from Maryland's sixth district, currently seeking a second term. She is being challenged by her predecessor in that seat, David Trone, who gave up the position to run a failed bid for the United States Senate in 2024.
Representative Delaney is running a two-headed campaign featuring attacks on Trump/ICE detention centers and on her opponent in the Democratic Primary, Mr. Trone. I applaud your votes against everything Trump does, Ms. Delaney. I have no issues with that whatsoever. My questions concern your pushback against your primary challenger.
You have issued a "Cease and Desist" against Mr. Trone for running ads urging Democratic Primary voters to "Re-Elect David Trone," suggesting that Trone is trying to trick voters into thinking he's the incumbent. Do you really have so little respect for your constituents that you think they don't know who their Congressperson is? Or is it that you've been so low-profile that you're afraid that the guy who preceded you has larger name recognition? In any case, David Trone is a former Congressman who is looking to get re-elected to his old seat. You can quibble about the language, but I don't think you have a legal leg to stand on and you're coming off insecure more than anything else here.
Also, you accuse Mr. Trone of trying to buy this seat. But in 2024, of the just over $2 million you spent to win it yourself, $1 million was self-financed by you and your husband. Seems to me that you don't object to buying seats in the House of Representatives as much as you are irritated at the concept of being outspent.
Finally, you suggest that Mr. Trone feels "entitled" to this seat- again, because he's a multimillionaire who jumped into politics near the top. But do I need to remind you who served as the Representative in this district before Mr. Trone first ran? That was John Delaney- your husband. A quick Wiki scan tells me that your Congressional seat is the very first office YOU ever ran for. You'll need to work hard to explain to me the moral difference between a person who buys name recognition and one who "earns" it by being the spouse of the former Rep. Oh, but she did serve as a Deputy Director for one division in the Department of Commerce. Her qualifications for that role? Um....well....check out her last name again.
In short, please explain to me how the race for the Democratic Nomination for Congress in Maryland's 6th district is NOT just a fight between two people who used money and connections to short-cut their way to the upper ranks of political power? Or- get off your high horse. I seem to remember you using your name recognition and money to bludgeon an underfunded primary opponent just two short years ago. Your current pious tongue-clucking about Big Money is unbecoming to say the least, and I'd actually go with the phrase "blatantly hypocritical."
It's a little-known Fact that there is not a human being on Earth who can decipher the lyrics of this song, which by the way is a clear violation of the Geneva Convention and a War Crime in over 100 nations (another little-known Fact.)
Having this ad run on repeat at least eight times an hour during tonight's Svengoolie episode made me a worse person. I think it caused permanent damage to my psyche and I do not expect to recover.
Seriously, look at the gushing in response to this ad. Samsung is King. Samsung is Awesome. Samsung's Privacy Screen is like if Sliced Bread and the Wheel had a baby. None of these comments were posted by an actual human being, of course. They are all droppings left by an AI Vapid Comment Generator. Nobody is this inane. Not even in the United States of Capitalism.
Meanwhile, I guess this is an attractive feature during the current pandemic of Main Character Syndrome- everyone is looking at me, everyone is interested in what I'm doing, I'm very, very intriguing to all around me- but if the target audience were honest it would ask why it wants a privacy screen while yapping away about the most personal details of their lives or blasting music at full volume in public. Trouble is, the target audience is NOT honest. It is, however, shockingly narcissistic and convinced that it's being judged- especially for owning a Samsung and not an iPhone. If this screen is exclusive to Samsung for a season it can pretend the choice has to do with Samsung's dedication to privacy? Please.
A typical Disney family cruise (7 nights, Caribbean destinations) cost upward of $10,000. This family has been going on them like other families rent tiny cabins at the local beach. In other words, filthy rich and totally unrelatable.
Oh, but the bots commenting on this ad pretend that it's making them cry- because they are bots. Nobody with any sense gets choked up over three generations of a family spending a freaking fortune on overpriced entertainment sold by the Mouse That Destroyed Star Wars. Especially when you just KNOW these people also spend a week at one of the freaking parks, too.
Seriously, I watched this twice and noted the official Ethos logo on the ad before I was able to convince myself that this was not pulled from an episode of SNL.
First, you've got the creepy kids letting dad know EXACTLY how his dying would impact them- "we'd be HOMELESS" says the little girl in her best Precocious Sitcom Child voice. Not "we love you and would be devastated." Just an eyeroll and "come on dad, we like this house and you pay for it so we need you to hang around."
And the little boy with his "I have no one to look up to...." But you DO have someone to live off of, Dead or Alive, so that's ok?
Second, you've got Mom telling him that "of course we love you BUT we also love our home" in a tone that makes it pretty damn unmistakable which one is the priority. And then she doubles down- "PLUS the kids want to go to college..." Holy Crap Woman, just call him your freaking meal ticket and get it over with. You don't just want this guy to get life insurance- you want him to get enough to make sure that if something happens to him, you get to keep the house and the kids get to go college and neither involves you actually getting a job. And what kind of parent brings her small children into a discussion concerning Our Living Conditions After Dad Inevitably Dies Young?
Now, the guy does respond to all this "honey get life insurance so we can stop worrying about the possibility of one day living in a world where we have to take care of ourselves" by ruining a sheet and acting far less mature than his ghoul kids, so maybe his family is legitimately concerned that Dad will accidentally kill himself in one of any number of ways any day now. But he must have something going on between his ears to be able to afford that ridiculous estate, scheming bloodless trophy wife and evil children. Or is it all inherited? But if that's the case, what's the big deal about insurance? Are you blowing through this guy's family fortune that fast?
The mom is Awful, the kids are Awful (and- if they are actual human children- Traumatized,) and Dad is not handling his wife and children obsessing over Life After Him as if it's right around the corner very well. What a bizarre commercial. What isn't bizarre is that Comments are blocked. I can imagine what that thread would have looked like.
...to a lifetime struggle with obesity, diabetes, and heart disease?
Seriously, all I see is a very nice-looking atmosphere in which to consume huge double-cheese carbohydrate discs, cheeseburgers loaded with onion rings and potatoes, pancakes covered with whipped cream and chocolate,* and basically Deep Fried Everything that Isn't Wood-Fired Pizza. Washed down with soda, sweet tea or liquor. Unless this is a once-a-year event, ordering from the menu should come with a Surgeon General's Warning.
*In the 2005 comedy Just Friends, Ryan Reynolds' character is served a High Stack of pancakes completely drowned in whipped cream and M&Ms. It was supposed to be a joke, but I guess it was more of a prophecy? And I thought IHOP's Cheesecake pancakes were scary.
I'm used to seeing washed-up actors and sports figures- Ice T, Vivica Fox, Ernie Hudson, Danica Patrick, Ric Flair- pitching this BS scammy non-insurance which is the subject of lawsuits and thousands of pages of consumer complaints. But it's more than a little surprising to see a guy currently making serious bank as the most recognizable face of ESPN- once upon a time the gold standard of sports reporting, long descended into lolcow status- selling his image to an utter fraud of a company like CarShield.
Whatever CarShield paid Stephen A. Smith to spend several minutes of his time bleating a tired script, it could not have come close to one-tenth of one percent of his annual income over at ESPN (approximately $20 mil. For what, I can't tell you. Don't ask me to explain Capitalism.) Which means that this is probably not about money at all. More like just taking any opportunity to get his face out there in a non-sports-related moment. Because he's running for President? Or he just wants people to think he is? But how does being associated with a business infamous for conning people out of their hard-earned money with claims carefully couched with small print that will leave them with empty wallets achieve that? Who would vote to elevate such a person to the office of the Presidency?
What's the message of this ad? "Say yes to more debt- and respond to the extension of credit by doing a stupid dance as if you've just won something valuable!"
Some people wear their hearts on their sleeves. The actors in NetCredit commercials wear their FICA scores on their t-shirts. And those scores are not Exceptional. They are in the "Fair" range. If they are being approved for loans, those interest rates are high- but let's ignore that, because all that really matters is that NetCredit is going to let you spend some more. In real life, this is not good news. In NetCredit ads, the actors celebrate because they have the opportunity to dig that debt hole just a little bit deeper.
Isn't that a baby stroller? That kid is in trouble. He chose his parents wrong. His parents are frivolous morons.
And I'm not even talking about the AI-generated "actors" being used to sell this life-ruining addiction. I'm talking about the actual concept of "Futures Markets."
What's fake? The idea that gambling is the road to financial security, let alone "innocent fun" that adds "adventure" to watching sports. Unless financial stress is fun. Unless being suddenly unable to pay bills is fun. Unless being addicted to constant doses of dopamine generated by taking one stupid risk after another is fun.
None of this is real, but all of it is currently dominating commercial television, especially during any sports coverage. ESPN's funding is coming almost exclusively from gambling (and yes, "futures markets" is GAMBLING.) At this point, I'm not even sure that sports coverage would even exist without the billions of dollars in ad revenue from online gambling. Pre-game shows certainly would not exist; they are nothing more than long-form commercials for gambling apps.
Some of you are in big trouble, and I really hope that you manage to see that 1-800-Gambling notice on your screens and use it to get help. Because none of this is real, and all of it is dangerous.
