Monday, December 20, 2010

A Dark Cloud hangs over this house- now all we need is a little lightning

There is so much hate in this commercial, and just in time for Christmas!

Our narrator is thoroughly frustrated at her inability to curse her friends, relatives and acquaintances with a "normal" family portrait of her disgusting jackass family. Daughter is texting (can't do anything about that now, can we?) while a brother ("Hunter"- don't get me started) is attempting to jam a Transformer (product placement inside a commercial for an unrelated item!) into the ear of his brother ("Cody"- again...)-- so this family is either off it's ADD meds, or it's made up entirely of insufferable jerks. Take your pick.

Well, discipline is out in this family (if, in fact, it was ever in) so instead of trying to get her worthless lump of a husband (this guy is bad even compared to other tv dads) and spoiled rotten shithead kids to behave just long enough to snap a photo which is designed to convince the world that this is an actual functioning family unit, Narrator Mom is going to use modern technology to photo shop all that ugly, nasty reality away. Cell phone surgically attached to worthless teen removed. Toy/Weapon blanked out. Smiles pasted on.

Ah, that's better- it's got nothing to do with this woman's actual family, but it's presentable, and that's the whole point. Stable. Happy. Normal. Keeping up appearances, THAT'S what's important.

And here's the truly hideous punchline- "Windows gave me the family nature never could." She doesn't just tell us- she says it loud enough for the family to hear, and they bend their heads in shame (at least, most of them do. Daughter is just back to her texting.)

Most commercials just leave me bemused and a little bewildered. This one just makes me angry. Are there really families out there like this? Why the hell would anyone want to see a photo of these people? How many Facebook friends does this loathsome pile of excrement have?

Hell, I could have spend this entire rant on that fucking daughter- you can't get her to stop texting for a family photo? Really? Who's paying the monthly bill, mom?

Instead, I'll end with my favorite line of the whole ad- "Finally, a photo I can show without ridicule." First, who the hell asked you for a photo? Second, are you such a sad, dim bulb that you don't realize how PATHETIC it is that you have to perform electronic surgery on a FAMILY PHOTO? Third, how did you ever manage to get pictures of these people smiling at all- where they drugged?

And finally- you really think that there's nothing to ridicule in this photo? What about the matching plaid shirts and white pants?


  1. Oh, I was waiting for you to mention the matching outfits!

    I'm a photographer and I specialize in macro/nature/fine art stuff, but I'm also assigned the task of family photos. The only problem I had was getting all three of my busy kids to be in the same place at the same time to get a photo of everyone together.

    Even when they were younger, the family photo incidents were nothing like this- even if I was lame enough to pose us all in a straight line, slouched on the sofa. (which I never did).

    Oh, wait... you already said what it was... discipline.

    Did you notice the Bieber-esque haircuts on the Demon Twins?

    Cripes, why do I even know who that is?

  2. The white pants make it look like they have no legs, they practically blend into the couch.

    Epic fail. There is a lot of material for a family counselor here, but of course, the first step is admitting you have a problem.

  3. Ugh, I absolutely hate that the kids names are Hunter and Cody. Don't parents realize that their precious little babies are going to be adults one day? Second, I still dont undertand what "the cloud" actually is and I work in IT. What makes this any different than Photoshop? Basically this is Microsofts answer to the general opinion that Mac's are better for artsy design stuff. Finally, in order for this to work you need to have several dozen of the same photos, with people in the same clothes, in the same spot, during the same time of day. What will you facebook friends think when the area around cody's head is raining and the rest are sunny?

    One other thing. If this husband had any balls he would make Prozac give him the wife nature never could.

  4. I just hate this whole "family" so much. The dad's a helpless ass, the boys are rotten brats, and that girl with her cell phone- jesus, pull the plug, you overindulgent "adults!" Mom is just the worst of a bad lot- clearly she feels trapped in a bad situation and has no interest in acknowledging that it's largely of her own making, so she's going to photoshop the real world into oblivion. Meanwhile, she's still stuck with Cody, Hunter and her cell-addicted idiot daughter.

  5. "One other thing. If this husband had any balls he would make Prozac give him the wife nature never could."

    I will have you know, sir, that A&W Root beer burns when it is almost shot from one's nose!

  6. Another cell phone commercial post coming tomorrow morning- then I'll probably be taking a few days off to travel and be with my family- unlike people like these dicks, I actually enjoy talking to people sometimes, and can't imagine spending a holiday with a laptop or a cell phone distracting me from loved ones.

  7. "And here's the truly hideous punchline- "Windows gave me the family nature never could."

    Nature? No, the word you are looking for is "parenting."

    BTW, have you seen the X-mas themed Sprint commercial in which the Sprint customer is a total douche, insulting his neighbor via his Sprint account? The neighbor even asks why the douche won't look him in the eye. I may be out of touch, but how are ads insulting your customers effective?

  8. This, as I've said before, is why I hate ads for cellphones and similar gizmos; not only are the people in them as horrible as the dicks in the car spots, they never show people using the damned things for anything practical. What would be so wrong about having a person in Aisle Seven checking with home plate about what to pick up for dinner?

  9. Do you guys wanna calm down a bit?