Thursday, December 9, 2010

The Proper Care and Feeding of your own Bundle of Joy

You've been an insufferable, whiny, petulant little brat all your life, why start making sensible choices now just because your driver's license identifies you as an adult?

After all, when you were a pout-faced little cherub, you had no problem dismissing your mom's attempts to keep Christmas within the family budget by steering you toward a slightly less exorbitant version of That Thing You Really Wanted And Were Quite Willing To Throw a Quiet Fit If You Couldn't Get Right This Minute. By barely acknowledging her presence, and dismissing her with a soft, but determined, "No, it's Not," you let her know that there was No Way You Would Ever Love Her Again if she didn't succumb to Her Precious One's demands.

And when you were the punk wannabee who dragged dad to the guitar store, you didn't let that lame-ass old fart suggest that the slightly cheaper Piece of Shit You Didn't Even Bother to Look At was anywhere near as good as the signature series beauty you were going to make him pay through the nose for, if he didn't want you hating him more than you already did, the cranky, out of touch old loser.

And now you are on your own (I bet your parents are heartbroken over THAT fact) and the world had better know right now that you are living life on your Own Terms, As Usual. You've always demanded the Best, and you Always Will. Right now, that means a BMW. I don't know what it will mean to you later- and frankly, I don't care. Because people like you make me want to vomit.

We all know where self-indulgent monsters who think the fucking planet revolves around their wants come from- they come from indulgent parents. They are easily recognizable, and once again we are living in an era where they are to be admired and emulated, rather than despised. Just because this prick didn't actually throw himself on the floor and kick while screaming his face blue doesn't make him any less loathsome as a child, and his calm, assured "this is the one" doesn't make him any less repulsive as an adult. Every version of him shown in this ad is equally vile. And all I can do now is hope that his decision to use gold as a hedge against inflation blows up in his face and he spends his golden years splitting his prescription meds and dining on Brand-X mushroom soup. Whether it's really "good enough" or not.


  1. Oh yeah -- so as a kid he didn't get the guitar he wanted, so he decides that when it comes to car time he's going to get the one he really wants. Gee, I wonder what HIS kids are going without so that he can have that Beemer?

    Clearly, the lesson he learned from HIS parents was "It's OK to screw your kids as long as you get what YOU want."

    When he was a boy, this car buyer's parents didn't make him go without so they could indulge themselves -- they didn't get him the guitar he wanted, but they at least got him a guitar.

    The lesson is lost on this guy. Imagine the conversation he must have had with his kid. "Gee, son, I'd like to get you THAT guitar, but daddy wants THIS sports car, and what daddy wants, daddy gets."

  2. If it makes you feel any better I drive a 1997 Mazda RX7 that I have spent weekend after weekend tuning so that I can blow the doors off every single one of these elitist douche bags in their $70,000 BMW's and Benz's. I will never get enough of the look on their faces.

  3. I like how his guitar need clearly didn't change his life path or anything. As an adult, he's clearly not a famous musician. Thanks, Dad, for blowing several hundred dollars on something I never really used for much.

    And as picky as this jerk was as a child, you know damn well he didn't walk into the BMW showroom and take a car off the floor. He pre-ordered that bitch and had everything customized for his precious standards right down to the ass-warming driver's seat.