Friday, November 16, 2012

McDonalds gives me a threemendous headache

Well, it certainly appears that the "I'm Smart Because I Buy Off the Dollar Menu" campaign is over at McDonalds.  It won't be missed.  Unfortunately, it's been replaced by commercials for something called the "CBO."  I think it's a Cheddar, Bacon and Onion burger, which sounds pretty good until you remember it's from McDonalds.

Because it IS from McDonalds, it must be sold to us by the most intensely stupid-looking non-actors the-- ahem, "restaurant" can find.  These non-actors must be willing to bleat the most god-awful, juvenile lines to each other while keeping a grin on their faces and holding- but never actually eating- whatever warmed-over pile of dreck McDonalds is peddling to our impressionable youth this month.   Very often, it's only one line, and this time, it's only one word.  One Non-Word.  And that non-word is "Threemendous."

McDonalds would like the non-word Threemendous to become lodged in our brain and create irresistible images of fried ground beef and pork and cheese and onions which cannot be removed until we've all rushed off to the nearest--ahem, "restaurant" and snatched up one of these life-shortening sandwiches.  Won't take long, since nobody in the lower 48 lives more than ten minutes from a set of golden arches.  Lucky us.

Oddly enough, I don't get an image of fatty, salty, oily, sugary, artery-clogging junk when I think of the non-word "Threemendous."  Instead I envision a pick ax, and me driving it into the skulls of everyone responsible for this abomination.  And then wondering why nobody at McDonalds seems to have a soul,  because that annoying little appendage might actually convince at least a few people over at Corporate that with this whole obesity epidemic going on, maybe peddling this crap might be....I don't know...wrong?

At LEAST McDonalds could be as honest as Golden Corral is in THEIR ads.  Golden Corral shows us actual customers- bloated, clueless, tasteless pigs swooning over the Amazing Chocolate Wonderfall and Cotton Candy machine.  McDonalds shows us freaking models enjoying their putrid crud.  In reality, I'm the only good-looking person who EVER walks into a McDonalds.  And that's just to get coffee.  They've got good coffee.  It's not Threemendous, because that's not a f--ing word.  But it is good.


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