Thursday, November 8, 2012
Sonic: this is how you die young, fat and boring
I've often wondered why Sonic commercials always feature two guys sitting in their cars holding food instead of consuming it in the--- ahem-- "restaurant." I've never been to a Sonic- are they intensely filthy places? Are they Golden Corral-ugly, with Golden Corral-like sweaty pigs ruining any sensible person's appetite shoveling greasy crap down their cake holes in between slurping thick gum-based milkshakes?
I mean, if you aren't in a hurry- and the guys in these commercials never seem to be, as they skirt around their sexual identity issues by obsessing over the fat and carb delivery systems they've just shelled out for at the drive-thru- why would you sit in your hot, cramped car to eat this crap instead of in a booth where you can spread out, loosen your belt, and most of all dump the paper and plastic the stuff came wrapped in right there instead of tossing it in the back of your automobile to attract bugs?
But I'm willing to continue to wonder about all that, if someone can explain to me-- Cheesecake bites? Really? Cheesecake bites? Look, my life isn't exactly what I hoped it would be. I'm lonely a lot of the time. If it weren't for my students, I'd have a hard time some days getting up in the morning. Sometimes I still have a hard time. But I've never been so depressed, so disgusted with my existence, so devoid of interest in my future (such as it is) that I would consider ingesting something called "Cheesecake bites." Things are going to have to get a lot worse than that.
The flatmelt sandwiches look pretty good though. Ah, the power of television.