Saturday, May 4, 2013

A few polite questions for the DVR Genie

1.  Why would anyone want or need to "record up to five programs at the same time?"  I could be charitable and assume that there are some people out there who only enjoy watching five specific television shows, and because the universe is aligned against them, they are all scheduled to run at exactly the same time.  I could be, but I'm not going to be.  It's far more likely that if you enjoy watching five shows that are being broadcast at the same time, you are pretty much infatuated with everything that shows up on your idiot box, and feel an urgent need to watch all of it.  Or, at least, to record all of  it.  Which leads me to....

2.  Do the people who buy this service and who actually record several programs being broadcast at the same time ever actually WATCH any of these shows?  Because these commercials strongly suggest that it's All About the Recording.   Is it just a power thing?  You need this Genie doohicky because in order to justify your cable bill, you must have the power to record everything you can't watch while it's being broadcast?  I strongly suspect that this is the case, because....

3.  A lot of these commercials tackle the "problem" of "Full DVRs."  This REALLY boggles.  So some of you out there are recording and recording and recording (sadly, this is often referred to as "building libraries," because storing thousands of hours of mind-numbingly stupid television is EXACTLY the same as collecting, reading, and lovingly storing books) so much junk that you run out of DVR memory?  Do you just insist on keeping everything you record, even after you've watched it (assuming you ever get around to watching it, See #2?)

4.  Are there people out there who really find the inability to record endless television as horribly annoying as these vile bags of couch pus?  If so, is it ok if I dismiss such TV-addled techno-junkies as the lifeless, soulless freaks they are?

5.  As for the "this Genie is even greater than...." isn't it especially sad that the ridiculous image this guy conjures up is certainly a combination of Amazingly Cool Stuff He Saw Other People Do On Television, but will never, EVER have the chance to even attempt to simulate in real life, because that would involve GOING OUTSIDE?

Finally- if this DVR Genie thing is half as Cool and Awesome and Essential as it is sold on television, why are there still so damned many people in front of me at the cash register and on the thruway?  Shouldn't they all be home filling their bottomless DVRs with mindless junk that they won't be watching later?


  1. DVR's themselves sre nice, but this thing and the Hopper thing are just marketing ploys. No one needs to record five shows at once. Maybe a family would have a situation where one person wants to watch one show, while someone else wants to watch something else, but that could probably be solved by watching one show while recording the other.

    Although, when you think about it, the assertion that cable TV is worth recording is a natural outgrowth of the original assertion that it is worth watching.

    P.S. I can think of maybe three shows I would take the time to record. They're on different nights.

    P.P.S. May the Fourth be with You.

  2. "Although, when you think about it, the assertion that cable TV is worth recording is a natural outgrowth of the original assertion that it is worth watching."

    I wish I had thought of that.

  3. I wondered the same thing about the "cool" comparison. Riding a motorcycle with a girl on the back while she shoots flaming arrows into the air? What's so cool about that? All you're doing is turning donuts and inching ever closer to getting road rash, burned, or shot.

    As for the "more annoying than" bit, what dentist EVER has sneezed into someone's mouth? I have never gone to a dentist, dentist's assistant, oral surgeon, etc. who didn't wear a mask and gloves.

    This ad is just so profoundly stupid in terms of HOW it tries to sell the product that you almost forget how unnecessary the actual product is. Almost.

    1. 1. It's clear to me that people who do nothing but record and watch television have so lost contact with reality that this is their idea of what something "cool" must look like. The only time they experience "cool" is when they see someone doing something they interpret as "cool" on television. And because they are honest enough to admit that what they are doing- experiencing angst over their inability to record and watch everything- is pretty much the opposite of "cool," and is in fact the very definition of "sad," this is what they come up with- something that looks as distant from watching tv as possible.

      2. That dentist would have zero customers, if he hadn't already been fined and suspended by his state. NO ONE would tolerate this. NO ONE. What he does is not "annoying" (any more than being struck by another car in an intersection, which we see in another ad, is "annoying,") it's completely unacceptable. Of course, if you think not being able to record everything on television is "infuriating," my guess is that you've lost all sense of perspective, have lead an incredibly sheltered and coddled life, or simply do not have a vocabulary that extends beyond the fifth grade level.

  4. Is the Genie's crotch part of the DVR recording system? It figures prominently in the commercial. I'm not super tech savvy but I think that could be why I missed recording the Van Morrison Live at Montreux the other night.