Monday, May 20, 2013

Surprise! Another Stupid AmeriTrade Commercial!

I guess I shouldn't be surprised that the idiot who wrote this AmeriTrade ad ran out of plausible "surprises" faced by Real People in the Real World after he hit....two.  I can just see him wracking his brains for just one more surprise we could relate to before pimping AmeriTrade, failing, and finally sticking in "your house was built on an Indian Burial Ground."  Like that would somehow cost you money, like having triplets and needing a new transmission.  WTF-ever, AmeriTrade.

And speaking of Relateable Situations- yes, it's very easy for us 99%-ers to totally get that this guy, having been hit with the sledgehammer of triplets and new transmissions and haunted houses (jesus, really....?) would experience great relief at learning that AmeriTrade features "all the Online Trading Tools We Need So No More Surprises."  Never freaking mind that less than .01% of us will EVER do our own trading online.  How small a percentage is that?  Well, it's lower than the percentage of people who will someday have triplets.  It's much lower than the percentage of people who will someday be told "you need a new transmission."  I don't know how it compares with the percentage of people who will learn that their houses were build on Indian Burial Grounds, but I can be charitable and guess it's much closer.

So please, AmeriTrade, stop showing me money-obsessed (but common-sense impaired) douchenozzles expressing relief that FINALLY someone has stopped f--ing around trying to cure cancer or solve World Hunger and has invented a way to make your online Shoving Numbers Around addiction somewhat easier to understand.   I think your customers are just awesome- they get to manipulate pretty graphs, use "research tools," and most of all pretend that they have some control over their little piles of gold.  I'll let them have their fun, while I foolishly turn thousands of dollars a year over to a professional who actually knows what she's doing (I hope- though seriously, I don't really give much of a damn, as long as I can keep buying certain people candy for the foreseeable future, it's all good...)  In the end, we'll all have something in common- we'll all be dead.  Difference is, I'm not waiting till the end to learn the lesson Kansas tried to teach us more than thirty years ago- All your money won't another minute buy.

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