Sunday, September 25, 2016

Here we go again with Aleve's Alternate Universe.....

1.  Hey buddy, your customers aren't "counting on you" to get your sorry ass out of bed to make coffee.  If you don't get that shop open, they are going to hit McDonald's, Starbucks, Dunkin Donuts, Seven-Eleven or any of the other 2000 options out there for early morning coffee.  And you'll get to explain to the bank how you "couldn't get up" and therefore lost all your business and won't be making this month's loan payment.

2.  If you are happily rising from bed as the sun streams through your windows, you sure as hell aren't running a coffee shop.  Hey, guess what, moron?  Your customers are long gone.  Unlike you, they actually have to get to jobs that start before mid-morning.  Coffee shops that don't open until after sunrise aren't going to be in business very long.  You wanted to run a coffee shop but you didn't want to get up before dawn to get it going?  Well, I'm sorry, but that means you didn't really want to run a coffee shop.*  You just conned yourself into thinking you did.  And now....

3.  You are blaming your back pain for your absolutely horrible business sense.  You decided you wanted to be your own boss, so you figured "hey, people drink coffee, I can make coffee, so I'll do that."  Then you realized that people like to BUY coffee early in the morning, and oh noes that means that if you wanted to succeed, you'd have to get up early what were you thinking?  And now you're stuck with the option of hiring someone to open "your" shop for you (and splitting the profits) or just hoping that people won't want coffee until you are damn good and ready to open your shop (mid-morning, apparently.  When everyone is at work.)

4.  Just admit it- you thought it would be fun to run a business in which you served up very expensive coffee to really stupid people who would continue to be totally loyal to you (they "depend" on you, after all) even if you couldn't get the damn store open at a time convenient to THEM, not YOU.  Congratulations on finding a loan officer even more obtuse than you are.  Enjoy your backache, you entitled jackass.   I'm off to Starbucks.

*Maybe this guy can start a support group with that woman in the other commercial who thinks she has a job taking pictures of sunrises but gets up after dawn and takes them with a hand-held camera....Delusionals Annonymous, perhaps?


  1. Commercials indulge in idealistic, stereotypic and imageristic psy-op as opposed to any sort of fact-based fare.
    The idea is to project a "homey" atmosphere on the screen. Kind of a beckoning come-on complete with vague ambiguously grandiose promises.

    1. Of course, being a caffeine addict, I myself would drink the stuff just about any time of the day.