Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Happy Valentines Day from Amazon and Doritos!

1.  This is a perfect opportunity for you to re-evaluate this relationship, and your life in general.  Why are you so desperately afraid to be alone for a little while, when THIS is the alternative?  Instead, you are just going to do what you always do, which is rationalize- "he's usually not like this," "every guy on the planet acts like a disgusting eight-year old with food,"  etc.  And just sit there like a slug and ask your electronic friend to order Doritos.

2.  This is also a perfect opportunity for you to excuse yourself to go buy more Doritos.  Maybe you can use the time outside the house to, yes, re-evaluate that relationship and your life in general.  Maybe you'll admit that you've had enough of spending every Sunday sitting on the couch for seven hours while "your man" fills himself with grease and stares at the screen like a zombie.  Maybe you'll admit that you jumped the gun a bit because you hit 25 and you heard that clock ticking.  Maybe you'll realize that you want a bit more out of life than this, and he's NOT going to change, and in ten years he's going to be 50 lbs heavier and even more loathsome and there's still going to be football every Sunday.

3.  Just think- the way technology is going, we are only a few months away from Doritos automatically being ordered when his fingers hit the sensors at the bottom of the bowl.  They'll arrive by drone and just tip into the bowl, and he won't even notice he's eating a fresh supply.

4.  Why are you sitting there?  Oh right, I keep forgetting- the house.  The MRS degree.  It's Better Than Being Alone in This Scary World.  But is it?  Really?

1 comment:

  1. If she really did hear her clock ticking, whatever gave her the idea her best option was to marry and have children with this robotic Dorito eater? Won't she just have children who will also robotically eat Doritos?

    Sorry, can't think about this one anymore. I just got clocked on the head by an Amazon drone carrying Doritos to someone.