Saturday, February 18, 2017
I don't care what Home Depot says. You don't got this.
I've been in a Home Depot maybe 500 times in my life, and not once has anyone walked up to me to ask me if they could help me find what I was looking for. Maybe I needed to stand in front of stacked piles of former trees with a stupid, lost look on my face in order to attract attention. I suspect that if this had worked, the Home Depot guy would have been irritated when I told him that I was just trying to decide which of the 1500 light bulb options were right for me- "oh no, I'm not here to buy $6000 worth of wood and tools so I can hurt myself in a hundred different ways, I just need a few light bulbs...."
But of course Amazing SuperSuburbanDad, being hit over the head with the hammer of Inadequacy and realizing that having a job which pays for this great house in the suburbs, the trophy wife and the kid is suddenly not good enough, figures that the credit rating that bought all that stuff can buy him the skills to build a treehouse, too (a treehouse which suddenly must be built because his son has got it into his head that Dad knows how to build one, or its awesome that he has a friend whose dad knows how to build one, or something. I'm not sure what is really going on there, but if I have it right, what the kid learns at the end is that all he has to do to get what he wants is to casually mention that Cody's Dad Got One For Cody.) He just needs the right materials. So the Home Depot guy, spotting him as an easy mark from across the store, quickly convinces him that even though he can't boil an egg without setting the kitchen on fire he's perfectly capable of handling heavy materials (including a power saw- I can see this ending well) and putting together a treehouse twenty feet above the ground...well, if nothing else, it should make an amusing afternoon for the neighbors...
Naturally the guy who can't find his ass with both hands and a flashlight manages to slap together a virtual mansion of a treehouse in no time at all, and without losing a single finger in the process. Which makes me wonder why anyone learns carpentry when all one really needs is a few minutes with a Home Depot guy and the willingness to spend a huge chunk of money on tools you'll use exactly once because you couldn't bear the thought of your son not realizing Daddy Can't Do Absolutely Everything.
But hey, at least he finally got some practical use out of that enormous pickup truck he bought for some reason last year.