Sunday, February 12, 2017

Oh and BTW, what's "Atomic" about the Atomic Lantern?

Notice how so many of these late-night Only Available on TV products are sold as "military grade" by scruffy guys with tough voices who I'm pretty sure are all trying to convince us that they are veterans of Operation Desert Storm and not serial killers?  The guy in this ad "needs" a tough "lantern" (i.e. flashlight) because he has this habit of tossing them into the back of his pickup truck and driving for several seconds through rough terrain before stopping and using it again.  Jeesh, why not just leave it in the front seat with you, moron?

Anyway, this "lantern"- which is just four sets of LED lights made in China- is available for $19.99 with free shipping, and if that isn't good enough to get you rushing to your phone, you can get a seconed one "for just an extra fee."  I really hope that the "extra fee" is another $19.99, because that would be hilarious- "you can get a SECOND Atomic Lantern for just double the price of one!  WOW!"

Anyway, the weird psychopath who likes to toss it into the back of his otherwise-practically-empty pickup before driving another twenty yards really likes it, plus you can encase it in ice or blind the fish in your aquarium with it, so I guess that's pretty cool.  Except I found another guy on Youtube who tells me that the only difference between this Atomic Lantern and the electric lanterns you can buy at Big Lots for $5 is that the Atomic Lantern is black and the ones at Big Lots are orange.  Hmm.


  1. Please continue this great work and I look forward to more of your awesome blog posts.

  2. Uh-oh, better put some kind of "not-a-bot" capcha protection on your comments. Looks like you're getting invaded by the Bot Salesmen.

    Anyway, I love the ads by competitors to this product, one of which I just saw this morning: the ones where it is implied that if the power goes out and you don't have a lantern for light, you will be forced to try to eat dinner WHILE PROPPING A FLASHLIGHT UNDER YOUR CHIN, WHICH WILL FALL OUT AND PLOP INTO YOUR FOOD.

    I'm serious! Here's an example:

    We're supposed to believe people would actually be dumb enough to even THINK for a SECOND that THEY might think trying to eat a meal with a flashlight tucked under your chin would actually work.

    I don't know, maybe I'm too skeptical. I mean, there are people who light a match to peer down the gas tank to see how much gas they have left, right?

    ...Naaah. I call hopelessly dumb on this.

    1. Yep, Ye Olde Brooklyn Lantern. I did that one almost five years ago.

  3. Ah yes! So you did! That's just a classic. How idiotic do you have to be to do this...and yes, the people in the commercial look as amazed when the power goes out as if they truly believed it had happened because they offended the God of Light.

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