More Fun with Fios

Hey Parents, Listen Up!

What do you think you get if you give your preteen boy his own computer, lightning-fast internet speed, and all the privacy he wants?

If you said "a socially retarded, maladjusted kid addicted to porn and Facebook who has absolutely no friends outside of chat rooms," you'd be wrong!

If you said "a pasty-faced, overweight, vitamin-D deficient emotional wreck obsessed with Gaming whose closest acquaintances are 45-year old men posing as 13-year old girls," you'd be wrong again!

If you said "a hollowed-out, angry shell of a child who never, ever does homework and who stumbles downstairs for Doritos and Red Bull every 16 hours displaying massive black bags under his eyes while snarling monosyllable non-responses to your polite attempts to start conversations with things like 'so, how's that science project going?' " you are really batting .000, people!

But if you said "a budding genius whose ability to access all the best educational sites in the world with the click of a mouse leads him to win Science Fairs and to magically transform into a Straight-A student who is the envy of all the other parents in the community- nay, the STATE, especially after making a trademark-infringing yet fully functioning Iron Man suit"- you'd be spot on, congratulations for buying in----errr, I mean, INVESTING in your child by investing in Fios!

Oh and btw, as long as you are here anyway- what would you say if I told you to go see Iron Man 3?

If you said "why the hell would I do that, considering that Iron Man 2 was such a steaming pile of donkey dung?" you are back to being wrong!

But if you said "Of course I'll go see Iron Man 3, I SO want to see the further adventures of Robert Downey Jr. when he's starring in that other franchise which does not include Jude Law!  I can't WAIT to see what he does next, especially after that awesome Avengers movie last year with all those amazingly interesting characters like Thor and Loki and Captain America and the Hulk and Nick Fury" you are right again!  Glad I could help!

Now go out there and sign up for Fios!  Your kids will thank you, if they ever get around to it.  Until then- leave them alone with their personal computers and internet access.  It's the only way they'll grow.

Kramer's "Make your own pizza pie" idea was better

Less dangerous, too.

I mean, look at this- as near as I can tell, this guy's "brilliant idea" for a small business is to provide a garage fully stocked with all the tools a guy would need to work on his own car.  Because as we all know, Guys have an innate ability to fix anything wrong with any car, and the only reason we bring them in to the Pros is because we lack the correct tools.  I can tell you from personal experience that I was perfectly capable of replacing the Johnson Rod connecting the Coaxle Doohicky with the main occilating exhaust reflux unit on my Honda Civic.  I just didn't have the proper wrench set. *

Ok, back to reality.  I can see this "Kill Yourself Fixing Your Own Car" small business idea being a really good one only if it is, in fact, a front for an Emergency Care business specializing in finger and eye replacement surgery.  Or maybe for an actual mechanic, ready to magically show up and--for a large fee-- fix all of the damage you did attempting something more complicated than replacing a headlight bulb.   I can see this being really popular with Guys Trying Really Hard To Prove Something who also have money to burn and really, really good health insurance.  Us sane people?  We'll keep searching for the one mechanic in America who won't gouge us, and hope that no one asks us "hey, why don't you use that new Fix It Yourself franchise?"

"I mean, they've got these really cool business cards, and everything!"

*I have changed my own oil and tires, and once I even replaced the brake pads on a Toyota with the help of my ex Father in Law, may he Rest in Peace ( I did wonder at the time if his insistence that we work together to replace the pads had something to do with me not being anywhere near good enough for his daughter, but they ended up working ok.)   Today my willingness to work on my own car does not extend beyond changing the wiper blades.  And no, it's not really because I don't have any tools.  It's because I know as much about cars as a pig does about Sundays (old Texas saying, I don't know where I picked it up.)  Thanks anyway, Fix It Yourself guy.

The Borg has Nothing on Verizon

Ok, I watched this commercial three times.  After the third attempt, I think I know what is going on here:

A family was taking a walk in the park, enjoying the great outdoors and each other, maybe carrying out some light conversation, taking a break from the schedules and plans and meetings and friends and all the other things that tend to crowd out family time and make relatives strangers and life itself fly by way too fast.

However, they were spotted by Evil Verizon Satellite 231-A, hovering 300 miles above them in a fixed orbit, constantly on the lookout for un- Assimilated Humanoid Lifeforms Suspiciously Unequipped with Verizon's Latest Technology.  The Artificial Intelligence operating the satellite from an Undisclosed Location quickly determined that this family was having a dangerous amount of fun engaging in Inappropriate Non-Verizon Approved activities.  Somewhere an alarm went off, and a light began to blink Red.

The satellite sent a laser show featuring a 3-D commercial for all of the Amazing Connectable Products Available Through Verizon Thanks to Verizon's Latest Say Nothing, Share Everything, Stop Talking, Become a Zombie Plan.  The best part is that all this "shareable data" can be accessed with Tablets, Smart Phones-- all that stuff the family must have forgotten about while engaged in such a ridiculous display of (giggle, condescend) face-to-face contact.  Oh, and you can ADD a tablet for only $10 a month- just in case the ten "connectable, sharable" products aren't enough for your family (and seriously, what are the odds they would be?)

Anyway, this family is quickly absorbed into the Verizon Hive Mind, dazzled by the floating electronics and left wondering what they ever saw in all that face-to-face shit.   As they spend the rest of the day texting, taking "sharable" photos and downloading every movie they've ever seen or heard of, and checking Facebook several hundred times, I wonder if they'll even remember that hour they wasted at that stupid park with those stupid people- seriously, what the hell was THAT all about?

I'm pretty sure that's the message of this commercial.  But again, I only watched it three times.  Anyone have a different take?

Pets, Pet Owners, and Luxury Dog Food. It's Just another day in My Blue World*

So much to hate here!

1.  Idiot extras in the background of a park setting, playing catch while standing MAYBE five feet apart.  Yeah, that's realistic.

2.  Dumbest Name for a Product Ever.  "Blue Buffalo?"  What the hell does that even mean?  The food isn't blue.  It isn't made from buffalo (is it?)  I mean, WTF?

3.  Most disgustingly cloying, stupid, self-satisfied pet-obsessed weirdos on the planet, blathering on and on about how their lives found meaning the moment they found the bestest ever food and the ONLY food good enough for their little pumpkin treasure honeys.  No more standard dog food which is just fine for 99.99 percent of the lesser pets out there for MY pwecious wittle shmuggums mommy loves you so much yes she DOES!

4.  The real food that goes into making this Buy This So Everyone Can See Your Dog Is Better Than Theirs And You Have More Money Than They Do crap- chicken.  fruit.  Corn?  That's for lesser animals, like people!  My doggie needs meat and fruit!  Corn?  CORN? What do you think he is, a human living in a third-world country?  My dog has greater needs than THAT!

And most loathsome of all- the woman who tells us that her dog isn't a pet, he's "her other boy- a member of the family"- while her son is standing right there.  Truly, the only thing in this universe more repulsive than someone who abuses animals is someone who puts their pets on the same level of importance as their kids. This woman's son must feel uber-special right now.  He should consider himself lucky there was never a serious house fire when he was a small child and this dog was a puppy- after all, his Mom would have had to make an important decision on who to save, right?

*Electric Light Orchestra- Turn to Stone

These Questions, like this date, sponsored by Bud Lite

Here We Go (sorry:)

1.  Why are these people speaking in subdued tones, even though it's clear they are in a fairly busy restaurant-tavern?  Seriously, this woman sounds like she's OD'ing on Valium.  If she's this bored THIS early in the date, Mr. "and that's why I can never go back to Cleveland" should just bail right now.

2.  Why is their chosen First Topic Of Conversation (that the date has just gotten started is pretty obvious) a discussion of their online profiles?  I mean, after the "gee, usually people look good online and then it's like Dog City when you meet them in real life, but I can actually see tolerating your face for two straight hours," what else is there?

3.  When the girl says "those are my friends over there- they came along just in case this became a train wreck," don't you really want one of two things to happen?--

A)  The guy says "what exactly would a "train wreck" of a date look like?  You mean, if I don't keep you constantly entertained with witticisms, or order the wrong food, or suggest that we go Dutch Treat, or what?"

B)  The guy says "I see....hey, the brunette looks really cute.  She's your friend?  Could you introduce us?"

4.  When the guy says "actually, those are MY friends over there, trying to hit on YOUR friends," don't you want one of two things to happen?--

A)  The girl says "Ugh, really?  You brought your friends along to spy on our date?  So they have absolutely no lives, huh?  And do they have girlfriends they are attempting to cheat on, or are they as socially isolated and pathetic as you are?"

B)  The girl says "Ugh, really?  You are so insecure you had to have your boyfriends come along on a date with you? What's the matter, your mom wasn't available?"

5.  Can we all agree that these two belong together, and we really hope they die before they have a chance to breed, the moment they decide to start the date by bleating Bud Lite's lame, played, and NEVER POPULAR tag line?  I mean, what does "Here We Go" even mean in this context other than "Here We Go, start the clock, strap in, and let's begin ninety minutes of uncomfortable muttering and pregnant pauses.  After all, we've already run out of things to say, considering that we launched the evening with awkward small talk concerning our online profiles and weird friends."

Expedia? Conservative, Liberal, Whatever. Just stop assaulting my eardrums with this crap

Donja (?) is a "pretty Conservative girl."  We know this because she tells us so.  Three seconds later, I guess we are supposed to be astonished that this girl we thought was Conservative (because she told us so) is taking a zip line through the jungle.  What? we ask.  We thought she was Conservative!  Since when does "Conservative" and "Zip Line" mix?  Stop the insanity!

Donja then distracts us from trying to figure out whatever the hell is it that this commercial is supposed to be trying to sell us by screaming endlessly as she goes down the zip line.  In this, she is behaving like every other person I've ever seen in a commercial featuring a zip line.  Making me wonder- if you are going to spend the entire time screaming, why don't you save a lot of money by just riding on a rollercoaster?

I want to try a zip line someday.  It looks like fun.  I can promise you this, though- I won't be wasting the experience yelling like a freaking idiot, no matter how long it lasts.  Not because I'm a Liberal.  Certainly not because I'm a Conservative.  Because I'm not a freaking moron who likes to hear myself scream.  I'm pretty sure I'll be busy taking in the view and just enjoying the ride.  Too busy to scream, even I wanted to.  But I won't want to.

Phillips brings us another episode of "Anything for a Paycheck"

Enjoy your stupid, disgusting little gig while you can, lady.  Read your chirpy lines and keep a straight face as you repeatedly interrupt the lives of people everywhere with your "hey, got constipation?" rants.  Collect your dismal paycheck as soon as filming is over, then go home to memorize the script for your next appearance.

But don't kid yourself into thinking that what is happening to you isn't the very definition of type-casting.  If you ever dreamed of being a serious actress, that dream is now over, and was probably over when you agreed to be The Phillips Lady for the third or fourth time.  For the rest of your life, you are going to be That Woman Who Used To Be Obsessed With Other People's Digestion Issues on TV.  Maybe you'll get another gig here and there, but no matter how well you nail that Lifetime TV role, you are always and forever, The Phillips Lady.

And a few years from now, when you are sitting up against a dumpster in Hollywood with a "Will Act For Food" cardboard sign on your lap, you'll realize just how much those commercials cost you.  I suggest you talk it out with the people sitting there next to you, with their own cardboard signs- Flo and that pretty girl from the T-Mobile ads, who got tossed aside the moment her looks began to fade and she could no longer fit into those skin-tight dresses and leather the Suits insisted she wear.  They'll understand.