Ford's Celebration of Brain-Free Driving

 

Is it just me?  Am I the only one out there who thinks that maybe the time to shut off your brain and get carried away into a little fantasy where you're conducting an orchestra is NOT while you're cruising down the road at high speed in a heavy plastic, metal and chrome vehicle with two little kids who are kind of counting on you in the back seat?

What exactly is the purpose of "hands-free" driving anyway?  What are you supposed to be doing with your hands other than keeping them on the wheel while for every second the car is in movement you are putting lives, including your own, in danger?  I know we decided years ago that the awesome responsibility of moving that Point A to Point B-mobile was not so large that it couldn't be augmented with music, Bluetooth, texting, etc. but the last time I checked one state after another was passing laws requiring that if we were going to be drive distracted we must at LEAST accept that our hands should be on the wheel.  So that's over now?  

I guess this just makes sense in a world where people regularly send and read texts from their phones while hurling themselves in their deadly four-wheeled missiles down highways or slowly rolling through suburban streets surrounded by little children who ought to be indoors if they don't want to be at risk of being killed by Busy Busy Perpetually Connected Adults in Cars.  I'm still a little astonished that I woke up one day and found myself on a planet where an ad encourages people to daydream - with their hands off the wheel- even if they've got little children who've involuntarily placed their lives in their hands sitting innocently in the back.  As the cool kids text, just SMH. 

Stitch Fix: Because you are absolutely helpless

 

Last one out, turn off the lights please.

Seriously, what the hell?  When did we adults wake up and decide that dressing ourselves was impossibly complicated, we need help, and we're willing to pay for it?  People in my generation remember snarking on Garanimals because that line featured matching animal labels which made it easier for harassed, exhausted parents to figure out what tops went with what bottoms.  Ok, it's kind of stupid and juvenile but as it turns out people who used the little animal hints were freaking Daniel Boone carving out villages in the wilderness compared to today's bunch which apparently can't leave the house because- yes, I guess it's true- we don't know how to dress at all anymore.

Never mind "First World Problems."  This is next-level, people.  We need to be able to project pants and shirts onto our bodies before we purchase them- and, no doubt, get some AI to assure us that we won't be laughed at when we leave the house wearing our purchases.  Because thirty years of the internet and twenty years of iPhones and online shopping have left our ability to navigate through everyday life in the gutter.  

We don't cook anymore- there's fast food and FACTOR and DoorDash for that.  We don't drive anymore- the cars basically do that themselves, and this is JUST as I got used to using Maps and Garmin for directions.  We don't read anymore- why read, when you can Watch?  Choosing an outfit to wear in public five days a week (pajamas are fine Saturdays, Sundays and for plane trips) was just the next little job for Something Else to Do For Us.  

Doomed.  We are doomed.

How did I miss this "Happy Holidays" ad from FanDuel?

 

Because it just isn't the holidays unless at least one person at the gathering is obsessively gambling on sporting events while keeping his phone half-hidden under the table.  And you certainly aren't a gambling addict unless you view every moment of the day in terms of odds and margins.  

Like pretty much all ads for FanDuel, SportsKings, and the other Celebration of Economically Crippling, Family Destroying Addiction, this one is played for laughs while being pretty much the opposite of Funny.  Seriously, if someone in your family is distracted by a gambling app during a holiday meal, maybe you should get together with the others and plan an Intervention.  Before he comes to you to ask for a short-term loan or a couch to sleep on or a cosigner on an apartment rental because Dallas didn't cover in the Thanksgiving afternoon game against Detroit.  

"Happy Holidays?"  Might as well show this guy slipping into the closet to take a swig of rum from the flask hidden in his pocket or stepping into the cold for a quick smoke.  When will television get it- ADDICTION ISN'T FUNNY and GAMBLING DOESN'T ADD VALUE TO SPORTS?  The answer is:  a few thousand broken homes and any point-shaving scandal now, we promise. 

Almost an honest Range Rover Ad

 

...in that you definitely need to be living the lifestyle depicted here to afford this ridiculous, unreliable money pit of a motorized vehicle.  

Want a Range Rover?  Better already own a paid-off Range to Rove.  And yes, you should also have a paid-off Manor to park it in front of when it's not in the shop (which will be often if you actually try to use it to Rove your Range.)  And you should make sure that you have a pile of cash to dig into when your stupid LookAtMeMobile/Compensation Purchase breaks down because as I implied in the first paragraph, these things are notorious for their need of regular, expensive maintenance and repairs.  The Check Engine light on these things better come with heavy duty bulbs because they have to work harder than any other part.

If these stupid things could talk, they wouldn't be describing the Range.  They'd be describing the interior of your local mechanic's shop.  Hard pass. 

Revisiting that Grammarly Work at the Speed of Light Commercial...

 

Get ready because here comes the email announcing that your unbelievably cushy job that in real life would have been given to some guy making a dollar an hour in Mumbai has been taken over by AI!

Seriously, this ad was retro when it originally came out and it's downright laughable now.  Even at the time of it's release- I think around 2019- the idea of a young white woman in the United States being hired to handle basic "when's the system coming back on?" responses from customers was ludicrous.  I posted at the time that this had to be the dimwitted daughter of one of the CEO's golfing buddies just trying to make some money to pay off student debt; it really was not believable that she'd be a new "member of the team" because what company in 2019 was still hiring native-born locals to do stuff like this?  Long before 2019 mindless drone work like this had been farmed out to Call Centers in the emerging world.  It wasn't being done by middle-class white people from the freaking burbs.  

Hopefully, this girl got her act together and didn't count on this ridiculous gig to pay her bills for more than a few weeks (and hopefully, those people on the Sub-Continent have landed cushy jobs trying to scam elderly Americans into buying fake funeral insurance.)  Because "work" like this is history and it's not ever going to be done by an actual human being, ever again; these jobs are now being handled by a an AI image and scriptbot even more limited in how it can respond than that guy with the thick Pakistani accent (or this girl) was. 

What is it with these Gain commercials?

 

Why are they trying to convince us that breathing in detergent residue will send us on an acid trip or, failing that, make doing our laundry the highlight of our week?  No matter where these people are or what they are doing, everything stops so that they can enjoy the sensation of jamming their noses into their towels, bedsheets, etc. and reminding themselves of how very very much they appreciate the scent of their favorite batch of liquid chemicals.  

There are other commercials where people seem to experience the same ascent into Nirvana when they slide into the front seat of their ridiculous LuxuryMobile and proceed to drive at high speed through cityscapes.  Is detergent the Audi for the masses?  Will Gain offer a discounted rate on their bottles of suds so the rest of us can have a December to Remember, just at the laundromat instead of the ski chalet?

This State Farm Commercial is so Tone-Deaf

 

Sports star sitting on a vast couch in the middle of a vast living room in what I assume is a vast suburban estate musing "life would sure be easier if...."  Yeah, very relatable, State Farm.  

Caitlin Clark wishes her sport could be easier.  Here's the thing, though:  Clark recently signed a four-year contract in the WNBA which will pay her an average of $78,000 per year.  That's not a typo- she'll make seventy-eight thousand dollars a year playing in the WNBA.  So whose massive house is she sitting in?

Well, unless it's just a sound stage, the answer is probably: Hers.  You see, less than three-tenths of one percent of Clark's money actually comes from playing basketball.  She has also signed an eight-year deal with Nike Shoes that will "earn" her $28 million over that period, and collects royalties for a signature Wilson basketball.  In all, she makes an estimated $12-14 million PER YEAR and is set for life if she never plays another game.  Her WNBA gig pays her just slightly more than I make teaching High School, but like most people, I need to pay all my expenses working one full-time job.  This woman's "profession" opened up the doors to all those other opportunities, but it's a completely incidental line item in her current revenue stream.  It would make a lot more sense if we saw her wishing that doing commercials was easier.  It wouldn't be any more relatable, but it would make more sense.