Or "how I marketed Bleach as 'Alien Technology,' put it in a spray bottle, and sold it for roughly 10 times what it's value is at the local Giant grocery store."
I must have missed the History Channel episode where the Aliens took time off from building the pyramids to provide the ancient Egyptians with the secrets of removing unsightly mold stains. Finally, a Lost Art that is actually useful. I mean, I don't know about you, but I've never had the slightest interest in moving 3-ton rock slabs or cutting crystal skulls. Getting rid of mold, though? Hey, I'm here for that.
Capital One is not going to let SNAP benefits being frozen- leading to hunger for tens of millions of Americans, including children- Section 8 Housing being threatened, or Affordable Care Act guarantees being placed on the chopping block stop them from making commercials featuring the insufferably perky Jennifer Garner* and the caption "Americans love to travel...."
Because I guess people who have Capital One credit cards simply fly* above the problems of the unwashed masses, don't they? Especially when they use those cards to manage "organic farm" companies or just dish with friends at airport lounges over tall glasses of white wine. Heck, finally getting into that business class seat is probably a disappointment after those big puffy lounge chairs in the exclusive airport club; nothing another tall glass of white wine won't fix, though.
*Jennifer Garner might well have the most punchable face in commercial tv these days. Seriously, Ms. Garner, get that perpetual smile off your cake hole already. It's so twee and sugary it's spiking my insulin levels. And blood pressure.
**Considering that flying itself is about to become another casualty of Shutdown 2025 (2025-26?) I guess Ms. Garner and her friends are going to enjoy those exclusive airport hangouts away from the rifraff even more in November. The rest of us will be sitting on the floor at our gates or standing in line at Dunkin Donuts. Don't worry, we won't harsh your buzz.
I mean, come on. If I work out every day for three or four days in a row, the App will tell me that I'm running the risk of overtraining, which is fine. If I goof off or I'm sick and don't exercise for three or four days in a row, it tells me that I'm in danger of undertraining and should ramp it up a bit, again- that's fine.
But more often than not, the advice the app gives me doesn't sinc with reality, and is sometimes just plain contradictory. Sometimes it tells me that I've really been pushing it, so my "readiness is high" and it gives me a very high cardio load target. Sometimes it says that I've been "maintaining fitness" so I should reach a certain level "to get back on track." Then there are the days that it tells me to "slow down and take it easy to avoid injury," only to follow up 24 hours later by chastising me for "undertraining."
The bottom line is, I think that Fitbit is pretty much the modern equivalent of one of those Magic 8 Balls we Boomers liked when we were little; fun, but totally random in the "advice" they give.
So the first of my early New Years' Resolutions is to stop reading the daily "Readiness" report on my Fitbit and just stick to reaching my step and cardio goals. Not that they are perfect, either- I can't tell you how many times I've spent 30 minutes on a treadmill, 15 minutes lifting weights, and and 15 minutes stretching only to be given zero or very few credit on the cardio goal. Like, WTF, Fitbit?
Oh, and continue to stay off sugar. That's important, too.
The whole "replacing a geriatric tv and (briefly) film star from the 1980s with the third-or-fourth most recognizable retired quarterback to sell our crap overpriced sandwiches" thing got stale faster than any of these sandwiches will, considering the level of preservatives they (not the film star or quarterback) are stuffed with.
That being said, the whole Manning thing in general has gotten just as old. Whether it's Eli or his much more visible- dare I say ubiquitous- brother, seriously, haven't we had enough of this family already? Judging from the college scoreboard, it will be awhile before a third Manning achieves the same level of media overload, though I certainly see that happening down the road. Because for some reason, tv can't get enough of the Mannings.
Personally, I wouldn't buy one of these sandwiches if it was being promoted by anyone because I know that in advertising a buck is a buck and I think Eli Manning eats Jersey Mike subs about as often as David Ortiz places bets on his iPhone or Pat Mahomes spends afternoons hanging out with his State Farm agent. But someone explain to me how Danny DeVito sells anything. Then explain to me the appeal of the Manning brothers. I'll wait.
Seriously, the jokes write themselves. If this is the "Best Luxury SUV in the city," that's either a very small city or a large city in which all of the other SUVs are out on vacation somewhere. And the reason why they can be on vacation is because unlike this ridiculous piece of garbage, they can actually travel more than a hundred miles or so without the Check Engine Light coming on.
Anyone who buys one of these things has money burning a hole in their pocket and mice building nests in the hole in their head. The only Range these things Rove is the one between the side of the road and the local garage.
Since "fan work is thirsty work," I strongly encourage you to remember that it's the weekend and you should not be doing any work at all. Maybe it's just me, but whether I'm sitting in a sports bar or a stadium, it's perfectly fine with me if the person sitting in the next seat isn't screaming like a deranged banshee as if anyone on the field can hear what he's bellowing. I sure can hear it, and I don't want to. Just drink your stupid soda, idiot.
In the 1980s, there was this machine called a Bowflex which was advertised as being able to replace an entire gym worth of equipment. Every exercise you needed to become pumped was available in one simple assembly of hard rubber bows attached to a bench so scrap that Gold's Gym membership and buy one of these things and work out in the comfort of your own home.
Later, Bowflex began to introduce different versions of its base machine, different machines altogether, and adjustable weights- each of which really undermined the original "this is all you need" pitch.
In the 2010s, Peloton made basically the same argument with it's bike which became enormously popular during COVID as going to the gym became impossible and some people simply refused to acknowledge the countless number of free online workout programs being made available by wannabee fitness influencers.
But come to think of it, the latest incarnation of the "Peloton System," which doesn't even include biking, is better compared to all those commercials for sickly-sweet overpriced cereal which featured the carb and sugar-heavy junk in bowls surrounded by juice, toast, and a glass of milk- "Part of this Complete Breakfast." Thing is, you could take that bowl of chemicals out of the equation and still have a complete breakfast (a more nutritious and healthy one, in fact.) Likewise, we see the woman in this ad doing all kinds of great calorie-burning movements and working up a healthy sweat, all without any need for a $1500 bike and subscription service. Ah, because it's a "System," you see. The bike is still part of the system- Part of a Complete Workout Program, if you will. But let's be honest- it's the very, very expensive part, and a truly Unnecessary Part. It's the Cap'n Crunch of the breakfast table. And the metaphor is even more apt when you check out the price of Cap'n Crunch.
