Tuesday, May 4, 2010

After serious consideration, I've decided that I'd rather just be sad

What? You’re taking an anti-depressant, and you STILL find yourself huddled in the dark corner of the palatial estate your husband slaved to provide for you? Ok, Drama Queen- since you insist, we are going to add something to your treatment- a prescription for Abilify.

Now, we should tell you that there ARE some possible side effects. Nothing to be all that concerned about- but Tell Your Doctor if you experience thoughts of suicide.

“Gosh, doctor, thoughts of suicide are why I asked for an anti-depressant in the first place. I’m starting to suspect that Abilify is just a sugar pill.”

Oh yeah? Well, would taking a sugar pill increase risk of Death and Stroke in some patients? How about fever and stiff muscles? Confusion? Uncontrollable muscle movement which “may become permanent?” High blood sugar, which may lead to Coma or Death? Dizziness upon standing? Seizures? Impaired Motor Skills? Trouble Swallowing? Did I mention DEATH? That would be some sugar pill, wouldn’t it?

“Adding Abilify has made a difference for me.” Yes, we can see that. Sometimes you almost manage to smile, though it still looks like your face would shatter if you didn’t fall back into your usual mope immediately afterwards.

We thought Abilify would help in your case. It’s hard to remember that you are depressed when you are fighting off the most horrifying list of side effects every associated with a drug which is supposed to make life more bearable. (The deep, dark secret pharmaceutical companies don’t want you to know: Life isn’t Supposed to be Much More than Bearable.)

And being followed by Glenn Beck’s chalkboard? Just a friendly reminder that you’ve been catered to long enough. Now shut up, half-smile, and walk aimlessly up and down piers with your family in between sitting in dark theaters. Because we won’t have anything more mind-altering than Abilify available until at least Labor day.

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