Sunday, May 16, 2010

You can actually HEAR your Arteries Harden

I’m willing to give a pass to the people carrying each other on their backs to “illustrate” something that doesn’t need to be illustrated to anyone smarter than a mentally ill box turtle. After all, I’ve been to IHOP once or twice, and my guess is that these choads approximate quite accurately the average IQ level of the regular customers. Especially since regulars are usually stumbling in at 3 AM drunk out of their skulls. I'm sure I've seen that guy bumping his head against the lights in the closing moments before- and his girth certainly suggests that he's no stranger to unhealthy food choices.

I’m even willing to give a pass to the casting of an implausibly beautiful, white actress to play the role of IHOP hostess. Doesn’t match my experience in any way, but hey, there are a lot of IHOPS out there. I’m not sure that there are a lot of lovely young women choosing to make minimum wage handing out menus to tipsy morons at 3 AM instead of walking through any of the many other doors open to them, but like I said, I’ll give this a pass to get to my main gripe...

Cheesecake between pancakes, covered in “strawberry” flavoring? Really? This “breakfast” would be only slightly more dangerous if it came with a nice hot cup of strychnine. And I’m sure that the people who order it are encouraged to add sides- bacon, sausages, hash browns, etc. ("all your favorites.") Very nice- a three-day supply of fat and calories on one big plate. Real time-saver.

And if you really eat this crap, you’ll need to save time whenever you can, because you haven’t got much to spare.

(I'd like to give the benefit of the doubt to the black guy who pauses for a moment with an overladen fork in front of his mouth- perhaps he isn't stunned by the sudden appearance of a Human Tower of Fat. Perhaps he's experiencing an epiphany- "what am I doing to myself?")

I know it’s not IHOP or KFC’s job to end the obesity epidemic all by themselves, but does that mean they have to be fighting on the other side? Pancake Stackers, Double Down Sandwiches, Super Sizing...I just don’t see how the promoters of good nutrition keep up. In a few decades, when triple bypass surgery becomes oddly routine and people end up selling their houses to pay for the treatment of medical conditions brought on by years of disgustingly gluttonous eating habits, will any of these restaurants be held culpable in any way?

Oh, who am I kidding. In a couple of years, IHOP will be selling us donut cheeseburgers and KFC will be promoting Buckets of Just Skin. And people will be wheeling in on their Segways to chow down. Sick.


  1. IHOP's slogan should be "Come hungry, leave on a gurney."

  2. I wonder what would happen if someone proposed putting a surtax on fast food to help defray the costs of treating the indigent poor for arteriosclerosis; my guess would be a revolt of the lardarses but you never know.

  3. "Washington- it may seem like pennies to you, but it really adds up when you are trying to feed a family."

    "Please, tell your Congressman- we just can't afford new taxes on whipped cream and corn syrup right now!"

  4. Don't forget beef tallow or hydrogenated oil; we need to tax them too.

  5. I am going to end up paying 5 bucks for a can of coca-cola and KFC, IHOP, Burger King, etc are allowed to make their food bigger, greasier and fatter with no resistance from the govt.