Thursday, May 6, 2010

"Mine is a very familiar story..."

“Hi, I’m Ellen. Like pretty much every woman on tv who is sharing screen time with a guy, I’m smart, competent, and cute. I’m also long-suffering because of my friend Dave, here. Like pretty much every guy on tv who is sharing screen time with a girl, Dave is a fat, clueless bag of uncombed, unshaven fertilizer who couldn’t find his ass with two flashlights and a GPS.”

“As is always the case with the female side of any guy-girl relationship on television, my cool industriousness keeps our small corner of the world from spinning into chaos, while Dave would probably stick his foot into a bucket of water while sucking on a power cord if I let him out of my sight for more than five minutes.

I’m long-suffering, because my ‘partner,’ Dave here, is constantly attempting to undermine our ability to survive in a competitive environment merely by Being Dave- a clunky, clumsy, worthless road block I must be constantly swerving around as I drag us both to the top.

I imagine that Dave and I would be getting our own sitcom in the near future, except for the fact that- let’s face it- our story has been told a thousand times on a thousand different shows dating back to the 1970s at least. Actually, I’m pretty sure that Hugh Beaumont was the last fully functional male to appear on an American television, and even he had to be pulled back to the straight and narrow by Barbara Billingsley from time to time.

So for now, please sit back and enjoy episode #213,497 in television’s longest-running show, “The Adventures of Intelligent Beautiful Woman and her Dimwitted Dumbass Male Partner.’ My only request is that you continue to avoid asking the obvious question- ‘why does she put up with this shit?’ Because to that query, I’m sorry to report, there is no answer.”


  1. I guess Dave picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.

  2. I think Ellen should keep her trap shut. How is it that her work laptop doesn't have the big "Multimedia made up techno-babble presentation" already on it? Obviously Dave was up all night putting the presentation together while Ellen played solitaire over her just as fast as her old but more expensive broadband card. What exactly does Ellen do? She cant create the presentation, she can't bring the presentation? Must be another "design firm".

  3. I hadn't thought about it quite that way, but you make a point- why does she even HAVE a partner, if his only job was to bring the presentation? Especially since she retrieves the presentation with a few clicks. Confusing as hell.

  4. Because it's every woman's dream to be a mommy? If she doesn't have kids, she can raise her husband and other peers! Much more fulfilling than some kind of "career" or whatever.

    Dave needs to gain some weight if this is going to be a sitcom, though. Hugh Beaumont might also be the last time a sitcom husband was approximately as good looking as his wife.