Saturday, May 1, 2010

Another Crazy Woman and her I-Phone

"We decided we wanted a dog." I can only assume that "we" means the female narrator and her f--ing I-Phone, because my brain rebels against the idea of this woman having a relationship with another human being. Anyway, allow me to paraphrase the next line- "I wasn't willing to get off my expanding ass to go to the shelter, so I ran my finger along the screen of my Life Partner until I found a local shelter which had conveniently taken photos of every dog it had available."

Back to the actual script: "We fell in love with Bailey." Well, that's nice. Cute dog.

"We took millions of pictures." Seriously? Millions? Of a dog?

"Of course, we sent them to all our friends." You mean ex-friends. Or Facebook friends- the ones you've never met, will never meet, don't give a damn that you live and won't bat an eye when you die. The kind that don't mind being buried by photographs of your dog, or being reminded that you are really, really nuts about your I-Phone.

"And when we couldn't take him with us..." we set up a webcam and kept an eye on him with....well, what else?

"Thanks to my I-Phone, our family is now.....complete!" Yes, it is. You, your I-Phone, and a dog. I hope you are all very happy together. And I guess it's some comfort that your dog will never know that he would have had no chance of being adopted by you if you hadn't purchased an I-Phone, because God Fucking Forbid you were going to flip through some philistine phone book to find a shelter and head over to, I don't know, actually look at a real live dog instead of picking one out based on a tiny photo. Because I'm sure I'm wrong here, but it seems to me that choosing a family pet might require a little more effort than ordering a pizza or buying a pair of sneakers online.

We all know that it's only a matter of time before people are adopting children through a downloadable App, right? Are we all ready to act surprised when this happens?


  1. What's next? An 'app' that links to eHarmony? One that tells you how you can pay some crook to tell you the best way to welch on your debts? It's going to have to be something stupid or it won't be iPhone compatible.

  2. I hope the dog chews up her Iphone. Then she would just die...

  3. Czaerana, I suspect that such an event would cost her two family members- the phone, and the dog, which would be on it's way back to the shelter.

    On the way home, Idiot Woman picks up her replacement I Phone and starts using it to find the Perfect Goldfish.

  4. Oh and BTW, note the "found dog-friendly parks nearby" comment- Jesus Christ, does this woman ever go outside in her OWN FREAKING TOWN?? Within a few days of moving into my community, I knew where the PARKS were and what the dog situation was in them. I mean, good grief.