Sunday, May 23, 2010

Sucks to be you, parents of children age 5-10



Owen Wilson. George Lopez. Digitally created dogs doing things real dogs can't do. Digitally created dogs doing things real dogs do all the time- things we don't watch in real life and don't want to see on a giant screen. An hour and a half of dog-related "humor," including a fire hydrant/ scoop and poop jokes arriving, by my best estimate, roughly every four or five minutes.

Maybe you don't think your kid is stupid enough, and you decide to pour gasoline over his brain cells by taking him to see this unbelievably bad-looking pile of dreck. Maybe you think "aw, 90 minutes isn't very long- no matter how bad it is, it will be over before I know it." Here's a reminder- ninety minutes can, under the wrong circumstances, be a very long time. Imagine watching three straight episodes of "Hello, Dear."

Maybe you think you'll be spending time in the theater restroom- that will kill four or five minutes, right? And another ten minutes at the candy counter- best $20 you ever spent, because you are being spared having to sit there and watch Marmaduke do intensely unfunny things and listen to the kid you once thought might go to Harvard laugh hysterically at each and every one. And that kid being spared hearing from his father "you are not my son."

(Well, that's what I would say.)

Maybe you didn't pay attention to the trailer, so you thought that this would be a family-friendly, "sure it's manipulative and witless but at least it has a nice message" inoffensive way to spend an afternoon. But here's the message I got from the two minutes of pain I put myself through to create this blog post: Big dogs can't be trained. Moron dog owners who leave untrained big dogs in houses have every right to be outraged when that untrained big dog acts like...well, a dog. Oh, and Moron Dog Owners who aren't willing to train big dogs are perfectly justified in crating up that big dog and sending it away.

Animals are disposable. Yes, that's the message we should ALL want our little ones to absorb. Right?

I don't go to movies because the last two times I attempted to watch a film in a theater, I had to yell at someone to put their god damned cell phone away. For Marmaduke, however, I would give adults a pass. Text, tweet, and download away, people. I mean, desperate times call for desperate measures. Hell, feel free to take out your Flo TVs- maybe there's something good on. Sure, you paid to gain entrance into the theater- that doesn't mean you should be forced to watch this stinking pile of refuse.

But before you give in and toss your offspring into the back of the family SUV to head off to the local multiplex, ask yourself this: Wouldn't it be better to just say No, bring your kids to the park to see real dogs and enjoy some fresh air (keep your cell phone in your pocket- those kids will be adults before you can blink) and avoid in advance being bugged to take them to see Marmaduke II, III and IV?

3 comments:

  1. Not only is this obviously going to be a horrible waste of time, it serves the dubious purpose of putting ideas in the heads of other comic strip artists; if this catches on, we could well end up seeing the following horrible double bull: a cinematic version of Funky Winkerbean's Homecoming and Mallard Fillmore, the movie.

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  2. Oh yeah, Mallard Fillmore- bad editorializing posing as bad art. Maybe the only strip more nakedly right-wing than "Prickly City" (which is also bad art.) Let's put them both in the same feature-length movie and show it at tea party rallies after Victoria Jackson does her thing- I think most of the crowd would be scared straight before Act II.

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