Saturday, June 18, 2011

How could she read his mind over all that rattling noise?

1. Remember when salespeople used to introduce themselves with greetings like "May I Help You?" The way this woman pounces on the potential customer is extremely aggressive and off-putting. I'd like the guy to respond to her "oh, this is what you were looking at" opening barrage with a "yeah, I know, I was just looking at it, if I need some help, this isn't a large store, I'm sure I'll be able to find you..."

2. The guy thinks to himself "how can I convince my wife...." convince your wife of what? Your need for this stupid, pointless, money-sucking little toy, this high-priced excuse to spend more time on your ass looking at stuff instead of out in the world doing stuff? Is that what you want to convince her of? Well, if you are a pathetic, technology-obsessed "information" addict, I suppose what the saleswoman says next may give you a hint. However...

3. What DOES this woman say? Seriously, this bizarre gibberish goes way over my head every time I hear it. I think the word "packet" is in there somewhere. And the word "love." As in, something like "your wife will LOVE the fact that this thing has PACKETS." But I don't know- I watched it three times, and that's my limit. I'm not getting paid to do this, you know.

There's also something about this device being able to do what this guy almost certainly can already do on the I Phone we know he already has- find a dentist, or something. Oh, but with this device the map is in 3D, I guess. Seriously, whatever.

I'll conclude with my favorite line- "did this woman just read my mind?" Well, you know what, buddy? My guess is, it wasn't that hard. This woman works at a Verizon store, and it's her job to convince idiots with money burning holes in their pockets that they "need" just one more glowing screen in their lives to make themselves complete. A guy like you walks in wearing a $500 suit and starts staring stupidly at The Next Cool Thing- and she figures out that you want to be talked into buying it. I don't think that necessarily means that her name tag reads "Nostradamus," but feel free to be impressed.

Doesn't seem to take much, anyway.


  1. When I worked as a night shift security guard, I was mostly just a glorified receptionist who had the all-access keys to the entire factory. There came a point in that job where I knew what I had to do in every step to any kind of situation. I could have done (and probably did) the job in my sleep.

    She's dead inside. She has to be. She puts on that smile and completes her job mechanically because she used up any useful brain cells watching the latest YouTube videos of people poorly singing classic rock songs.

  2. I agree; this woman reminds me of Flo the Insurance Genie, or the grinning blond who maintains the pizza buffet at Cici's, or the Ridiculously Happy McDonald's employees in every idiotic ad that company produces. She clearly lost her soul in an evil carnival card game years ago and is just passing the time before the rest of her body can be put to rest in Forest Lawn.

  3. This is why we'll never have sales robots; why bother building machines when they can turn people into drones? They're Stepford Salespeople and we mustn't lose sight of it.