Monday, June 27, 2011

I've heard better pickup lines....

A woman with oddly inconsistent space issues and a voice so low I seriously can barely hear it (and I'm not in a grocery store filled with idiots blathering on their cell phones, tinny music, or screaming children) decides that the cute guy commenting on her choice of toothpaste is trying to pick her up and proceeds to flirt with him, exchanging little tartar-based quips in the hopes that FINALLY a chance encounter which does not take place in a lame romantic movie will actually lead to something and save her next month's eHarmony fee.

(Full Disclosure: If this woman were my college girlfriend, she'd call me moments after returning home from the store to let me know that a guy tried to pick her up while she was shopping for toothpaste. Of course, my college girlfriend thought that the guy handing her her change at 7-11 was flirting with her because he said "have a nice day" and once told me when I returned from the restroom that the waiter had made a pass at her when he refilled her water glass "because of the way he looked at me." She was a strange girl. I miss her.)

This woman first does a cute "Oh I didn't see that because I'm stupid/illiterate" take when Cute Guy points out that hey, idiot, Sensodyne toothpaste comes with tartar control and whitening and all that stuff, says so on the label, so you don't have to buy two tubes of toothpaste, and now that I've saved you three dollars, you owe me a date. Then she delivers a line which suggests that "stupid" is probably the best guess- "you sound like my dentist." What does this mean? Her dentist told her than Sensodyne comes with tartar control/whitening? If that's the case, why was she still buying two tubes of toothpaste?

Or does this woman just stand in the toothpaste aisle holding two tubes of paste, waiting for some Cute Guy to point out that she's an idiot? What the hell?

(Another Full Disclosure: I use this toothpaste, because I have very sensitive teeth. I buy the tartar control/whitening stuff because it costs the same as regular, and I CAN READ. My dentist recommended it. So this guy sounds like MY dentist, too.)

Now I'm wondering if this works for guys- if I stand in the toothpaste aisle looking completely perplexed (how hard could it be? So many choices...) will a cute girl come along and offer to read the cartons for me, helpfully pointing out that I don't need to buy several tubes to get all the Protection That I Need?

I think I'll try a variation of this guy's awesome strategy next time I'm at the local Giant grocery-- I'll "helpfully" point out to the Cute Girl that "you know, you don't HAVE to buy chocolate syrup AND milk, they have chocolate milk in the cooler over here..." I'm sure we'll be engaged by the time we hit the parking lot. And it won't bother me one bit that I'm engaged to a really stupid girl, because after all, she was just trying to lure me in with her adorable cluelessness, right?


  1. If you want to meet helpful women, go stand in a food aisle and pretend you don't know which is better- cooking spray or extra-extra virgin olive oil.

    Oh, you silly man! It totally depends on what you're cooking! Here, you just take this beer and I'll fix dinner. Wait, wait, let me take my shoes off before I go into the kitchen!

    I'd finish that with a giggle, but I'm not sure how to spell that high-pitched noise.

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