Tuesday, June 21, 2011

I wonder if CitiBank would give me a line of credit for my guillotine factory

As a typical American, I was just quietly enjoying my mineral water/facial mud treatment while sitting in a steaming pool of volcano-heated water in Iceland when I thought to myself "surely the age of Imperialistic raping of a nation's natural resources can't be over already, can it?"

So I called CitiBank and told them that since this Icelandic Mud was doing wonders for my skin, I figured I could make a whole lot of money by packaging it and shipping it back home to the good old USA, a nation fortunately populated by wan-faced losers so desperate to stay young-looking that they'll buy the idea of "Icelandic Mud." A hundred thousand plastic tubs, a few ice cream scoops, a little elbow grease and twelve UPS trucks later, my Icelandic Mud Facial Treatment was really drawing in the suckers---- errr, customers-- to my Exclusive Spa.

As a side note, my success in using stolen Icelandic Mud to increase the size of my bank account has had trickle-down benefits for my cleaning staff. Frederica, Rosa, and Rosa's eight year old boy, I don't know his name, I just call him Pepe because it seems to fit- are really grateful for the extra time I have to employ them to mop up the muddy footprints of the Beautiful White People With Money who populate my world.

Know what's weird? I keep hearing this stuff about "recessions" and "99ers" and "high unemployment" and "Under Water Mortgages." It's as if everyone wants to bad-mouth the economy, like there's something wrong with it. If you ask me, as long as there are people willing to drop serious dough at my Spa to cover themselves in mud from another country, we are doing just great, thank you very much.

I also hear that Americans have lost their historic edge in innovation and entrepreneurship. Well, I think I've single-handedly smashed that myth. Maybe we don't lead the world in "Education" or "Production" or even "Credit Rating." But how many countries have people with the vision and confidence to imagine making money by selling mud?? And how many countries can brag a population of consumers willing to buy watery dirt so they can spread it all over themselves? Take that, Japan!

And I bet the Icelandians- Icelanders? Whatever!- don't even MISS their mud.

So thank you, CitiBank, for allowing me to take my Dreams and make them into Realities. I wish you had been around years ago, when I had other Dreams- I think they may have involved teaching, or being a doctor, or doing something socially uplifting and soul-redeeming and useful. Not sure, it's been so long since I've thought about ANYTHING other than money and how to make more of it. But you are here now, which means I don't have to worry about any of that silly stuff any more.


  1. Great. Another bank ad pitched to people with loadsamoney when the middle class is eroding faster than ever. If there's ever a second American revolution, I know who I want to be the first up against the wall.

  2. Finally. This ad drives me nuts - insulting my being for thinking that I might admire the entrepreneurial spirit of this shrill, aggressive suburbanite and her garden of Earthly delights. I do like the chuckle in her voice when she considers the fulfillment of her "cleaning crew" looking forward to scrubbing those glass floors. And how, prey tell, did her Citibank small business expert help her increase her cash flow? Double the day rate (now that that the Finish white mud has arrived) - i.e. - charge a lot more? Brilliant.
    Thanks for drawing and quartering this horrid symbol of the times, wherein banking no longer means thrift and planning, but good old-fashioned greed.

  3. You think this woman ever actually wanted to DO something with her life that involved something other than making money? I actually doubt it- she strikes me as the kind of soulless ghoul who was dreaming of ways to become rich at a very early age, and who thought the idea of actually contributing something to society as weirdly liberal and naive. So I don't feel bad about hoping she someday drowns in a vat of her f--ing "Icelandic Mud."

  4. But it's doing wonders for her skin.

  5. That "Icelandic Mud" came from a farmer's field near the "spa" she was visiting. That "wondrous" feeling she's getting... it came out of the back end of a cow.