Saturday, June 11, 2011

Short, Sweet and Stupid

Four times a week, this woman tells us, she runs. Good for her. More people out there need to run- or at least walk. Move. Stop sitting so damned much.

I just came back from a week grading AP exams in Louisville, Kentucky. I estimate that 80 percent of that town's population is obese- slow, fat, sweaty, etc. I believe that the official Sport of Louisville is Waddling. At one of the three Bats games I attended at Slugger Field, I saw dozens of overweight slobs shoveling fried chicken and french fries into their faces and washing it all down with massive cups of soda or beer. It didn't matter that it was roughly 95 degrees out. It didn't matter that these people HAD to be terribly uncomfortable with their excess bulk. It was all about the food.

We graded exams for eight hours a day, for six straight days. Three times a day, we were given buffet-style meals (I was a good boy, I stuck to the Vegetarian options all week, still gained two pounds.) At mid-morning and mid-afternoon, we had a snack breaks- granola bars, fruit, chips, cookies, slices of, there were piles of candy sitting at our grading table "to keep our energy up." It would have been very easy to just eat, nonstop, all week. Fortunately I got bored with the food after the first day and nibbled most of the rest of the week, and got in a lot of walks along the beautiful waterfront.

Ok, enough about me and Louisville. Let's get back to this little nothing of an ad. This woman tells us that she runs. Four times a day. And she KNOWS she's supposed to drink water after her run- but she clearly doesn't know WHY, otherwise she would not make the really stupid, self-destructive mistake she makes after each run. You see, dummy, you are supposed to drink water because you've just gone through a process of dehydration- you've made your muscles work extra hard, and they need to recover.

What do you do instead? You get yourself a huge cup of ultra-dehydrating coffee, doused with sugar and fatty cream. So you are not satisfied simply negating a positive thing you've done for your body by putting back all the calories you just managed to burn. You insist on DAMAGING your body just when it is vulnerable.

And you do it with a stupid smile on your face. And a giggle. Brilliant.

Listen, lady- this is not advice I give to many people, but I'll give it to you: do yourself a big favor and cut out those daily runs. If they end with half a gallon of caffeine, sugar and fat, they simply aren't worth it. Just sit on your butt and drink water instead. Trust me- your heart will thank you. So, by the way, will your wallet.


  1. It's people like her who keep the gastric stapling industry in business; the idea is not to limit one's consumption of one's own free will but to use risky surgery to insert a foreign object into one's innards to force the process.

  2. It's this sort of confused thinking that keeps buffet chains in business; most people with brains realize that they're where you go if you don't have the time or money to eat good food but there are a lot of silly people like this who act like she spends her time in changing rooms yelling AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!