Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Oh, it's a "steal," all right. And if you had these glasses, you might have seen it coming!

Oh my, can I find the words to express how much I LOVE commercials for cheap, "miracle" sunglasses?

I mean, what's not to love? You get the preposterous claims- these glasses provide "high-definition vision." Umm, isn't that what your eyes already do? These aren't prescription glasses, designed to correct bad vision caused by astigmatism or anything else. All they can possibly claim to do is block sunlight. How does this result in "high-definition vision?" Unless they actually REPLACE your EYES as a seeing tool, this claim simply makes no sense. None.

You get the hilarious "it's amazing you've lived this long without this product" breathless warnings- maybe you didn't realize it, but you've been driving your car practically blind for all these years, dangerous sun glare (which really ought to be banned, it's so darned distracting, you can barely even SEE that ever-present school bus) making every trip to the grocery store a duel with death. Don't you want to live to see another summer? Well, here's how you can make that at least a little more likely- with this product, you can SEE STUFF instead of colliding with it.

You get the beautiful people who are easily amazed, not only at the awesome product, but also it's OMIGOD YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING low price. Ten dollars? For sunglasses? But sunglasses can cost $300!! These are only ten dollars? NO WAY!! Everyone in this ad thought FOR SURE they must cost $75, or "at LEAST a hundred dollars!" Of course, what always makes this work is the willingness of these "I'm really going to be in a commercial? Cool!" idiots to pretend that it's perfectly reasonable to believe that a company would produce an Amazing, Must-Have Item and then use a cheap commercial to sell it to the general public for one-tenth it's value.

But Wait, There's More...

We get the "free" second pair of glasses "Just Pay Extra Shipping and Handling." Death and Taxes are not the only certainties of life. There's also the five additional Sham Wows, the extra Dog Silencer, the Miracle Chopper, or the Upgrade package which is ALWAYS offered along with the SuperCheap product, as long as you are willing to "Upgrade" to a higher price through inflated shipping and handling fees. Because this is where the money is actually made- when people are suckered into paying $20 shipping for separate packages which weigh a total of a few ounces.

My favorite line in this ad: a woman tries on the sunglasses and says "I think I actually see better wearing these than if I were wearing no glasses at all."

Hey lady- take it from a guy who has been wearing glasses or contact lenses since the age of eight- that is the POINT OF WEARING GLASSES. To SEE BETTER THAN YOU CAN WITHOUT THEM. Because despite what you might think from all the America's Best posters, people generally don't wear glasses to make a fashion statement. We wear them so that we don't look like idiots crashing into walls.

Of course, no amount of vision correction can spare some people from being taken by scammers who peddle crap like these glasses. Which is why these commercials exist. And since I kind of like this style of stupidity, I'm actually kind of glad that they do.

Plus, the girls in these ads are always pretty hot. Stupid, but hot.


  1. The weird thing is that they can get something just as good at Uncle Sam's Retail Monster Box for a lot less. The damned things are made by political prisoners either way so they should at least save some cash to by "We just killed Bin Laden" coins.

  2. Oh, this is perfect timing! I was just about to drive to the grocery store and the sun is out!

    Thank you, John, for saving my neighborhood and those who live near the grocery store from my nearly-blind driving!

    *whips out credit card*

    What could go wrong!?

    I seem to recall this ad from a few years ago, except it wasn't HD, it was some kind of blue-blocking-ray-saving-eye-cancer-sparing thing.

  3. My favorite part is the price comparison part.

    "Not one hundred dollars ($100)!"
    "Not two hundred dollars ($200)!"
    "Not three hundred dollars ($279)!"

    I'm surprised you didn't catch that sir.