Monday, July 21, 2014

This is Beyond Pathetic

So beyond pathetic, in fact, that it really deserves to be it's own series.

If the good people who post ads at YouTube cooperate, I'm pretty sure I will be posting several of these Verizon Fios "My Life Is Television" ads, just because they are so irritating and the people in them are such horrible zombies.  I'm especially waiting for someone to post the one where Fios customers are sitting on a big white couch in the middle of a showroom talking about their "Awesome Fios Experiences"- when a salesman says "you can record and watch up to fifteen shows at once" (!!!!!!????? Seriously??? WTF???)  a woman who may or may not be drooling responds "I DVR everything."

Anyway, the punchline of this ad is that doofus dad seems to like ice skating, and of course it's very wrong and bad and unmanly to like ice skating so it's funny, get it?  Personally, I'm too caught up in the notion that this family APPARENTLY HAS A TELEVISION IN EVERY FREAKING ROOM

I also like how in all of these ads the entire family has to be available so that the Verizon Fios guy can explain to them how they never have to miss anything on television ever again because it can be recorded and watched in any room in the house and oh you can pause it too in case you want to actually get up and move for some strange reason (when is someone going to market that Homer Simpson chair with the built-in toilet already?)  I really really want at least one family member (one of the ADULTS would be PERFECT for this) to simply decline the Awesome Fios Setup with a polite "we don't have six televisions- I mean, there are only four of us, for Chissakes, and besides, OUR LIVES DON'T REVOLVE AROUND THE FREAKING IDIOT BOX!") 

I also like how nobody in the family except Dad is ever shown to be really super-excited about any of this. It's more like "yeah, uh-huh, I can record everything and watch it anywhere from 200 different devices, whatever, it's about f---ng time."  Dad of course HAS to be excited because this being a commercial, he must find a way to stand out as the Family Moron Who Humiliates His Family By His Very Presence, and the ugly shirt and uncombed hair doesn't quite pull it off.   Even the people hired to act in Fios ads aren't capable of generating the level of enthusiasm we regularly see in commercials for Kit Kats and light beer.

The daughter's pretty cute though. She'd be cuter if she got that nasty "WTF-ever, can I get away from these people I'm related to and get back to texting now?" look off her face.


  1. As a huge fan of figure skating myself (if a female one), I am sick beyond sick of this "man feels unmanly for admitting to liking figure skating" stereotype. Even worse is the fact that the guy's wife, too, looks at him as if the very idea that he would enjoy watching ice dancing in the kitchen is revolting to her. Oh, please.

    1. It would also be great if someone reminded the kids in these ads that

      1. None of this crap really falls under the category of "necessity"
      2. Mom and Dad have to work f--ing hard to bring in the money to support your lifestyle
      3. One more sneer or eye-roll, and you'll be getting part-time jobs to pay the monthly fees or giving up your electronics. Pretty damned simple, if you ask me.