Sunday, January 11, 2015

So basically child-sized gloves with bits of metal sewn in, for $19.95 a pair. Brilliant.

Oh, old people and their brittle, worthless hands- will they ever win?

Yes, as it turns out, they will- just as soon as they order themselves a pair of Copper Hands!  These amazing gloves (both magical and space age!) provide exactly the right amount of "compression" to soothe pain and keep you old people doing what you love- transplanting flowers from your postage-stamp gardens, opening jars of pickles, clipping coupons, scrolling through pictures of your freakish failed Siamese cat/Chihuahua breeding experiment (seriously, I don't even want to know what that thing on the phone is supposed to be, or why anyone would want multiple pictures of it.)

"A week ago, I could never have done this"- I'll ignore the logical disconnect in this woman's claim and just ask "do what, shill for a company trying to unload tiny gloves with the fingers cut out? Wiggle your fingers? What?"

Just check out the "doctor" in the ad (you can tell he's a doctor because he's got a stethescope draped around his shoulders and a blurry diploma in the background) - oddly enough, he doesn't mention copper in his endorsement of the product.  Instead, he basically just explains that the gloves help allieviate the symptoms of arthritis by virtue of being tight.  Nothing to do with copper at all- they are just gloves that are designed to be too small for the user.  Man I am in the wrong business.

Is there a Deluxe Silver Hands package designed to keep vampires away, available free (just pay extra shipping and handling) if you order now?


  1. Man, I hate these ads for the new wave of "copper-as-cure-for-arthritis" products! They are nothing but a modernized version of that copper bracelet that everybody's grandma ordered from the cheesy ads in the back of the movie magazines in the '60s because copper was being flogged by quacks and charlatans as a relief from arthritis pain. Guess what--it didn't work. Even the ads didn't say it did; the FTC wouldn't let them. So they said something like "Does it cure arthritis? Who knows, but it sure looks pretty on your wrist!"

    Now we have these Copper Hands gloves and that Copper Fit knee brace thing, and why? Because a new generation is supposed to vaguely remember that once upon a time some people thought copper cured arthritis, while at the same time forgetting that it didn't. In short, if you have a poor memory, we can fleece you the same way we fleeced your grandparents and great-grandparents! The only difference is, we're doing it with something that looks vaguely like exercise equipment rather than jewelry an old lady would wear. Hip of us, huh?

    1. guaranteed to be 22% more effective than prayer.