Saturday, October 29, 2016
A Message from your friendly Halloween Mafia
Yeah, I can totally remember back in the late-70s when I was Trick or Treating and my gang came across the odd house that wasn't offering snack-sized Butterfingers. We were a lot tougher than this cartoon ghost suggests we should have been- we didn't stop at TP'ing those Butterfinger-less houses. We'd generally set them on fire, but only after smashing a few windows and hanging a dead cat or two from the mailboxes for a few nights in a row afterwards, subjecting the inhabitants to our own special brand of psychological terror. At least that's how I remember it- though I might just be thinking of the plot of almost every second-feature horror movie I watched at the Drive-In as a teen....
Because Butterfingers are really that awesome. Right up there with Clark bars and candy corn* and popcorn balls** or raisins.*** Awesome enough to wreak horrible vengeance on any family that dares offer Milky Ways, Snickers, Peanut Butter Cups, Take 5s**** or any of the other 200 or so candy options available at sales prices in oversized bags this time of year. Uh huh.
*Anyone still handing this stuff out deserves to have their house TP'd. All the candy corn ever manufactured was produced in 1955 and jammed into a huge silo in Kansas which is emptied every October and then refilled with the 99% left unsold in November. Yes, it's 60-year old candy- and it was gross when it was fresh. You wouldn't eat it. Stop asking kids to.
**I can't believe these are still on store shelves either. Come on. Who wants to eat stale popcorn held together by cheap carmel (that is carmel, right?)
***None of the completely illegal and creepy actions I described above suffice to punish anyone who hands out raisins on Halloween. October 31 is not the day to preach Healthy Eating. Offering raisins on Halloween is like eating a salad on Mardi Gras. No.
****My students love these things. Why are they so damned hard to find in the month leading up to Halloween and virtually impossible every other time of the year?