Sunday, June 7, 2020

Air Police 4 Layer Masks- Because, Again, Yay Capitalism!



Yes, America is "coming back stronger than ever" - just check out the Stock  Market, where the one percent are taking advantage of the bargains created when people who feared losing their jobs or were already retired and living off dividends panicked and sold out their 401(ks!)  Better yet, just look at the sea of pretty flags!

Let's just dissect this latest example of crass opportunism run amok:

1.  These are advertised as "non-medical face masks."  In other words, they aren't for keeping you isolated from COVID-19.  They are for allowing you to enter stores and ride public transportation.  And if that's all you want masks for, you can cut up a sock or wrap a scarf around your face and accomplish the same thing.

2.  They are "in stock now and ready to ship"- from where?  Shut up, that's where!  I mean, don't these people pulling pallets of boxes look American to you?  That should be good enough!  Plus we showed you those flags before!

3.  They have FOUR LAYERS of paper, not the usual (?) three.  Does this mean anything, considering we've already been told they are "non-medical?"  Do we need to show you those flags again?

4.  Something about an "amazing electrostatic charge."  Seriously, is this an SNL skit?  Does this thing come with batteries?  What is the utility of an "electrostatic charge" when it comes to protection?  I don't get it, and I don't think we are supposed to get it- I'm pretty sure this line is in the commercial to distract us that these masks don't contain any therapeutic copper.

5.  They cover your "entire nose and face..." um, like every other mask?  Oh, and they won't fog your glasses- which is basically taking something negative about the product (it's thin) and tries to spin it into something positive (therefore, your breath effortlessly flows through the mask.)  Unlike those stupid medical masks with filters and such.  So much better!

6.  It's design provides an "extra layer of protection"-- um, what do you mean "extra?"  Why do I suspect that when you open your package of Air Police masks, the first thing you see is a disclaimer urging you to wear an actual mask underneath it?  Seriously, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

7.  They are "one size fits all."  Which means, they come in one size.  Again, this is supposed to be a GOOD thing.

8.  Here's a guy pretending to be a cop talking about being "on the front lines every day."  He isn't wearing a mask.  I don't know why he's in this ad.

9.  "Remember, other masks have only three layers of protection and are made in China.  Air Police 4 has four layers and ships directly to your door...."  Did you catch that little sleight of hand?  Were we told where Air Police 4 masks were made?  No, we were not.  But I bet a whole lot of listeners got the impression that they are NOT made in China.  BTW, aren't masks made in China also shipped directly to our door?  Shut up and look at the flags again!

10.  ".....from our USA Based Company...." wow, seriously?  So wherever Air Police 4 masks are made, they are shipped FROM a USA Based Company.  Are they made in the USA?  I think the answer is pretty obviously NO, because if they were, that fact would be trumpeted loudly, not sort-of-implied using weasel words that say no such thing.

11.  One more thing, though the commercial cuts off before we can get to it and I had to find this by doing a little research- we are told that these masks can cost "as little as 99 cents per unit."  But to get that price, you have to buy A HUNDRED OF THEM.  If you buy ten, they are $1.99 each.  If you buy forty, they are $1.49 each.  For paper masks which offer no proven protection but will allow you to go into stores and ride public transportation. 

Man, I miss commercials for overpriced sunglasses and solar-powered security lights and portable "air conditioners."  But considering that America is On Its Way Back to spiking death rates due to premature reopening, I'd say we are in for a lot more ads like this before this Terrible No-Good Very Bad Year is over.


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