Saturday, June 6, 2020

Ugh this Open Care Final Expenses ad is so awkward....

...and yes, I'm well aware that calling a Funeral Expenses Commercial "awkward" is like calling water "wet," but this is even worse than usual. 

First, the level of acting has really reached the bottom of the barrel in this ad- both "daughter" and "mom" are clearly just waiting for their cues to spit out the most incredibly stilted dialogue to be found outside Hallmark Christmas movies.  Daughter expresses relief that mom has survived Yet Another health crisis and will be returning home briefly- because like all children, what she really wants is to come in one day and find mom dead on the kitchen floor, not conveniently passed away in a hospital.  Wow, thank goodness you didn't die right here in this bed surrounded by witnesses who can do all the paperwork without all the awkwardness and instead improved the odds of just expiring while cooking, cleaning, watching tv or a hundred other ways which will allow us to have a big traumatic, scary, stressful situation involving phone calls and the police and (insult added to injury) expensive paramedics showing up anyway.  Yep, this is a real blessing.

Second, what's with mom's "immediate payout of up to $30,000" line?  She bought the insurance.  She should know EXACTLY what the payout will be when she finally dies (probably while driving, so she can wreck her nice car and cause an expensive accident too.  Yeah, much better than her just passing quietly in the hospital bed.)  "Up to $30,000" sounds like it was inserted exclusively for the television audience, not Concerned Daughter.  I know if were CD, I wouldn't nod in response to "up to $30,000."  I'd ask "what does THAT mean?  What's the SMALLEST amount that the payout can be?  And btw, where do you get off buying f--ng meatsack burial insurance?  What about your f--ing medical bills?  You got THOSE taken care of?  Or are you going to leave us with a big stack of those because you thought making sure you got some damn ornate box to rot away in was a bigger priority?"  Speaking of which....

Third:  When I think "Final Expenses," I mean enough money to pay all those hospital bills, settle any debts, etc. so the heirs can enjoy the property Mom left without taking out their own loans to pay out.  When Open Care says "Final Expenses," they mean a funeral, a box, a hole in the ground, and a pretty rock which displays the name of the person in the box in the hole in the ground.  Want to make sure your family has bitter memories of you?  Buy a big Funeral Insurance policy so your loved ones can have a formal gathering they can spend discussing where they are going to come up with the money to save your house from foreclosure. 

Fourth, what the heck is the poor nurse thinking as she checks this blathering old fool's I-V right in the middle of this ridiculously awkward conversation?  She's just trying to do her job, and these emotionless drones are chatting away about Corpse Box Insurance. 

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