Sunday, June 28, 2020

We're all in this Together. So why don't more of you subscribe to my crappy blog, you haters!?

We all have a Responsibility to keep the engine of Capitalism humming along.  Every restaurant, car company, airline, and online streaming service is counting on us to keep contributing our hard-earned money to keeping them afloat during These Tough TimesTM.  We (corporations) can't get through this without You (customers.)

It's all about Community (corporations and customers.)  Businesses have always been there for Us, working hard 24/7 to convince the public to open wallets and empty them in exchange for Stuff.  Now it's time for Us to step up and help those Businesses, well, continuing to open up our wallets and give them money in exchange for Stuff. 

We know that the proles- um, Community- don't have as much money as they did.  But that doesn't really matter, because the Market can't live without that money.  So just sacrifice a little more by....umm, buying.  It's good for you, it's even more good for Business, and it's what Americans do when America is in trouble because America.

Don't love your country?  Then stop consuming, you selfish awful traitors.  Let the terrorists win.  Love your country?  Well, it's kind of hard to tell when you haven't ordered from GrubHub for more than 12 hours.  Seeing is Believing.  Get that credit card out.  Capital One is THERE for you.  And when this is all over, Credit Repair will be there for you.  There's always someone there for you.  So relax.  And spend.  Don't worry- whatever you buy, we'll make more of it.  Like I said, we're always there for you.  And we'll always be there for you. 

(A profound and sincere thanks to the people who put together this wonderful compilation of twee garbage ads.  Just perfect.)

1 comment:

  1. Yeah. The weirdest and stupidest thing about this horrible chapter in our history is watching Mark Hammill and Patrick Stewart engage in a low-grade pissing contest in a warehouse to promote exploiting delivery drivers.