There's so much awful about this Audi Commercial...

 

...that it's still worth commenting on 11 years after it's release.

1.  This kid has a Dad, Mom and Bratty Little Sister from Central Casting.  Seriously, why is this a bad commercial and not a bad sitcom?

2.  Dad tosses the keys to the Audi and gives his son a look that I can only translate to "get laid tonight."  Ok, so dad is ready to be a grandfather?  Because I didn't see him tell the kid "there are condoms in the glove compartment."  

3.  This kid drives to the prom- by himself- looking like he's taken an entire bottle of Viagra washed down with a gallon of Liquid Testosterone.  Does he think his father feels this way every time he drives the family LookAtMeMobile to the office?  I mean come on, what the hell?

4.  The kid is so confident because he drove an Audi to the prom that he sexually assaults the prom queen.  I'd say this is So 2013 except it's really So 1983.  I mean, this was a problematic message by the turn of the century.  In 2013?  Come on.

5.  The kid himself gets assaulted by the prom king- and then just....leaves.  He drives home in the Audi, with a look of triumph on his face.  Um, triumph over what?  As near as we can tell, he drove dateless to the prom, assaulted a girl, got assaulted, and left.  What's he going to do with the rest of his night?  I'm guessing he spends it in front of the computer bleating very inflated and not very recognizable versions of his evening to the pre-Tiktok internet.  This is inspiring?

5. What, no slow clap?  Maybe this ISN'T 1983 after all. 

Where I'll be until June 8- the Westin at Crown Center in Kansas City!

 

So I'll be off to score Advanced Placement exams for the 16th straight year (well, I've scored them for 16 years, but for reasons I don't care to get into I did it online for two straight years a while back.  2020 and 2021 to be exact.  You'll figure it out.)

And this year we have a new city as our host.  From 2008 through 2016 we were in Louisville Kentucky, then in 2017 we were in Tampa, then back to Louisville, for one year, then Tampa again, then online scoring, then Tampa again, and now Kansas City.  I've never been to KC but I'll be arriving pretty early on Saturday morning and hope to catch a few of the sites, maybe take a trip to the Truman Library (the World War I museum is staying open late for us on Wednesday so I will cross that off the list later.)  A Royals game is a possibility next Friday, we'll see.  

My hotel is a full mile from the convention center where I'll be working from 8 to 5 for seven straight days, giving every essay that shows up on my laptop a fair and honest read to the best of my ability.  So it will be easier than ever to get my steps in, and I expect to complete the annual "Lazy Marathon" in record time this year...

See you when I get back- until then, enjoy the archives and click a few ads if you want to contribute!  I should get SOME benefit out of commercials, after all!

Remember this when ESPN is reporting the huge gambling scandal in sports in 3....2....1....

 

This is the top "story" on ESPN's NBA page leading up to tonight's Timberwolves-Mavericks game-  A podcast on how to optimize your bets on the game.

Hey ESPN, look up the word "complicit."  Then memorize the definition.

This is not going to end well.  I'm just waiting for the Pikachu faces when it all blows up.  

Despicable Me 4, Volkswagen, and another Crap Crossover ad nobody asked for.

 

There are crossovers, and there are crossovers....we've seen the Lorax used to sell Denny's (or was it IHOP?  I don't actually remember, even though I made a post about it at the time.)  Star Wars used to sell some other truck.  Deadpool used to sell Slurpees.  And so it goes.

Then there is this ad, featuring the characters from a cute little movie that turned into a megahit way back in 2010 with a heartwarming little story that parents and kids could both appreciate.  Remember those innocent days, before Illumination decided to take the minion characters and turn them into the most god-awful obnoxious franchise since Ever?  We've had something like six movies which have become more and more minion-centered as they've regressed, including one that was simply entitled "Minions" and was entirely about, well, you know.

I don't want to see any more of these movies (I saw the first two.  Thought the first one was sweet.  Thought the second one was totally unnecessary and dumb.  And now I'm done, because I value my brain cells.)  I don't want to see them at the theater, and I sure as hell don't want to see them on my TV witlessly pitching Volkswagen as if Gru doesn't already have a very cool, three-story high car with a rocket propulsion system (see, I can still remember the first movie.)  Just...stop this.  Please.

Your Second Chance- More Morgan Silver Dollars have been discovered! Again!

 

Hey look the good people at Morgan Collectible Garbage have located another 3,485 of those Amazingly Rare sort-of-silver coins that have some silver which they've been telling us are practically non-existent and are willing to part with them for only about three times what they are actually worth, plus shipping and handling.  What a steal.*

Let's look at a cheesy "guard" opening the gate to a cheesy "vault" filled with what look like money bags from an episode of the old Superman show while the narrator says something about the U.S. Government and the confiscation and destruction of more silver than has ever existed in nature in order to con silly old people into parting with actual money for these trinkets.  Now let's look at a few graphs showing the rising value of silver because that's totally not a non-sequitur considering that there's almost no silver in these silver dollars.  

Let's wrap up by pointing out that you get a really cool display case with each coin that will look great on the bookshelf when your adult kids come over, see it, roll their eyes and start that old argument about how you really need to sign those Power of Attorney papers before you donate your 401(k) to Peter Popoff or Donald Trump or whoever is trying to convince you that Bored Ape NFTs are a great investment opportunity.  

Go Plate is Disarmingly Stupid

 

I know that all of these Not Available in Stores product commercials have to show people being incredibly inconvenienced by entirely trivial situations- after all, if we actually NEEDED any of this stuff, it would have been invented decades ago-but there's something positively delightful about seeing people having what looks like seizures caused by needing to hold a paper plate overloaded with food.  Seriously, is this a problem that anyone considers so serious that they'd rather walk around with a plate of food impaled by a bottle?  You still need to stop eating if you want to take a drink (I really wanted to see at least one kid dump that food all over himself when he forgot that his bottle was holding the plate and he just titled the whole thing toward his mouth.)  

But hey, it made some old guy's tailgating experience the greatest ever, so there is that.  Let's toast the Amazing Dumbness that is the Go Plate.  Just don't forget to take the thing off the bottle first. 

Legxercise is another Only on TV piece of Dumb

 

"Have you ever had legs?  How about feet?  Then you need this product to deal with those problems."  Ok then.

"The movement provided by the Legxersize moves the stagnant blood from your feet back to your heart..." and that's a good thing?  I want stagnant blood in my heart?  Why?

If you spend a lot of time sitting at a desk, sitting on a couch, sitting on a chair- in short, not using those legs and feet which are the focus of this ridiculous non-exercise exercise device, I guess it's a good idea to try to keep those feet and legs moving just a little bit to prevent clotting.  But all you really need is a tennis ball in a shoebox- just roll the ball around with your foot as you sit.  There, I just saved you however much money this dumb piece of junk costs.  Even the shipping is free.   You're welcome.