Sunday, July 17, 2011

So much Depressing, in such a little Package!

As I watched this ad, I just assumed that it would end in a punchline that did not involve this woman being pregnant. Because, being naive, I just figured that while cell phone commercials have been celebrating coldness, and cruelty, and just plain banal obnoxiousness for years now, there had to be SOME limit to the depths the people who write these things are willing to reach.

I was wrong. The punchline I assumed could NOT come, came. This woman is actually informing her husband that she's pregnant- over the phone. It's almost comical that she demonstrates a concern for his schedule- "got a minute?" (Because I guess that's all it's going to take, five seconds after she informs him that what they've been "working on" for so long, that life-altering event they've been hoping for, has finally come to pass, he can get back to doing whatever he was doing) and their privacy ("are you alone?") before telling him- OVER THE PHONE- that she's pregnant.

Good. Freaking. Lord. I swear, this "sharing" crap has pushed us right over the edge and into the abyss. "Can you pick up some milk?" Sure, share that. "I'm at the airport, can you pick me up, please?" Sure, share that. "We are going to have a baby?" Yes, share that- FACE TO FACE, YOU DISGUSTING, TECHNOLOGY-ADDICTED SOULLESS LOSERS!!!!

I will say this in praise of the people who put this mess together- it usually takes a lot more than thirty seconds to unleash such a large amount of Oh Come On This Doesn't Ever Happen In Real Life bile into the Already Overflowing With Noxious Crap TV Universe. This little parcel of hate is at least delivered efficiently. Thanks for that, Verizon!

Now you can go back to destroying civilization, one little nugget of hate at a time.


  1. Now if this was a cliche "stupid dad" ad, he'd be clueless until she explained it to him explicitly -- "remember that time you put your penis in my vagina? When a man and a woman love each other very much..."

    If it was a cliche "all men are pigs" ad, she'd say she was pregnant, and he'd hang up, delete her number, block her calls and head out to the bar to "man up" with a Miller Lite.

  2. Sweet smoking Judas, what kind of dick would think this was a good thing? And why do I think that these flesh-and-blood robots would only interact with little Seven of Nine via mobile phone?

  3. FirstRepublic- I thought that the "funny" punchline would be the guy thinking the "thing they had been working on" was the bar in the basement rec room. If this had been a beer commercial, it would have ended with her telling him that she's pregnant, and having him be disappointed that the call isn't about having a place to watch his bottles turn blue.

    She cries and hangs up, he shrugs and pops open a cold one, and everyone in the tv audience thinks it's LOL EPIC. Because we are a society of thoughtless vultures.

  4. I want to know why she first asks if he's alone, then uses the cover of "that thing we've been working on" instead of just saying it.

    He's alone. Who else is going to find out?

    I told my husband I was pregnant on the phone, but it was a real phone with a wire into a wall, a curly wire up to the handheld part, and he was in the military. He called to see if the test results had come back yet- because it was also in the days before the three-second home pregnancy test.

  5. I agree, Pahz- she's awfully shy and coy even after she realizes that yes, he's alone. What is she, nine years old?

    Once she realizes he's alone, she should say "know how we've been trying to have a child?" She acts like it's shameful that they've been having sex in hopes of her getting pregnant, or something.

    I think this commercial works if it's established that the guy is stationed overseas. If he's going to be home at the end of the day, she really needs to wait to tell him in person. I mean, some day the kid might ask "how did dad react when he found out you were pregnant with me?" and the woman is going to have to say "well, his image on the phone bounced a bit....then the call got dropped.."

  6. This should be entitled "No way".

    His initial reaction is much like finding out Jennifer Lopez is unhitched again.

    Still - here's the thing which hits me:

    This is still America -- land of the perverse shame where, on the one hand, a good bludgeoning to the head makes a good movie for living room fare, but alternately, one can not say the word "pregnant", as if this were the "I Love Lucy Episode" from 1953 where Lucy has to whisper this milestone to Ricky, lest the network standards and practices toughs come in and start removing the set. "How pathetic" is my reaction.
    It turns out, in reality (appropriate to where this equipment is made) that she just succeeded in buying a child on the black market. He's going to be a daddy. No way.