Saturday, July 16, 2011

So the reason I'm poor is- I don't have a dog??


This is becoming a pretty common theme in commercials for investment bankers, "structured settlement" companies, etc: Dogs have money, or dogs worry about money, or dogs have terrific ideas on how to GET money. In this particular ad, Dog is deeply concerned because his Master has money issues (despite living in what looks to be a fairly substantial home in a nice suburban neighborhood.) Master's money issues are so bad, in fact, that Dog's dish is empty. Master can't live on his structured settlement, and Dog is going to die, I guess. I mean, that's the message I get.

Turns out however that Dog has other plans- it involves getting Master to sell his structured settlement for a lump sum. Because Master's crappy money management skills will be solved by killing the golden goose and getting a percentage of the cash all at once, right now. I can see where Dog is coming from- I mean, if Master is getting a million dollars spread out over 25 years, Dog will be long dead before the last check arrives, even if Master does manage to buy Dog food now and then. But if Master can get, say, $250,000 right now, Dog may just live high on the hog for the seven or eight years of life he has left. And once Dog is dead, what does he care if Master regrets surrendering the better part of the settlement and being forced to fend for himself (you know, like 99 percent of us do NOW?)

I don't have a dog- I feed a stray cat which, after three years, will still not let me pet it or bring it into my house (she lets the guy next door pet her though- I'm really close to cutting her off.) I can tell you that this cat has never offered me financial advice. Maybe she saves it for that other guy. Or maybe it's only dogs who know how to handle money. That's certainly the way it looks on tv.

But hey, Master- trust me, your Dog is looking out for himself here, all the way. Because unless you are really desperate, selling out an annuity for a settlement is about as bright as taking a Rapid Refund. Still, I'd like to at least sit down and discuss my investment options with a dog- they sure do seem to think about money a lot.


  1. Oh, great; another "Dare to be robbed" advert. I like those almost as much as I do the insurance ads that have the premise "Dare to be buried in the most cheap-ass fashion possible."

  2. Id think you could just get a personal loan from the bank against the settlement. Right?

  3. You shouldn't bury checks in the yard.