Monday, October 24, 2011

I get it. KFC is trying to kill us.

It's bad enough that the narrator boasts that KFC's latest monstrosity just may be "the world's best tasting full meal." I mean, come on- this is a bowl of mashed potatoes, fried chicken, gravy, and corn. It's Shepherd's Pie, if being served Shepherd's Pie were akin to assault with a deadly weapon.

But now, the geniuses at Kentucky FRIED Chicken have found a way to take a disgusting pile of Heart Attack even more revolting. Diabetes in a bowl now comes with BACON!! Yay, because who doesn't like bacon? That's like not liking double chins, sweating while tying your shoes, or dying before your kids graduate High School!

I'd ask "what's next," but after all, these are the guys who gave us the Double Down Sandwich. It's pretty safe to imagine that the geniuses who peddle cardboard cups of fried batter as "Popcorn Chicken" are exploring ways to add fried eggs and caramel sauce to the "Cheesy Bacon Bowl" (ugh, just typing that gives me chest pains.) Maybe we can fit some pasta in there? A wedge of Texas Toast? A slice of cheesecake (hey, more cheese! Everybody likes that!?) Hell, why not replace the plastic bowl with one made of double-stuff Oreos and dip the whole damned thing in the deep fryer before serving?

I've been to the Kentucky Visitor's Center in Louisville. I've had my picture taken next to the giant statue of Colonel Sanders holding a bucket of what looks to be about 30 lbs of fried chicken parts. I've read the "Colonel's" inspiring bio explained with black and white framed photos along the wall of the center. I know this guy was an entrepreneur who devoted his life to making money by pitching incredibly unhealthy, oil-and-butter-slathered "food." But I think even he must have had limits- when the Colonel was still with us, KFC sandwiches came with bread and if you wanted bacon, you went to a burger joint. And my bet is that if you wanted to kill yourself, he would have directed you to the nearest gun shop, and not offered to sell you the tools of your own destruction.

Hey KFC, know who else is "famous?" Assassins. But I guess you figured that out already, didn't you?


  1. The next step is deep-frying this whole thing.

  2. Watch them deep-fry the cup the corn-syrup sweetened fizzy water meant to wash the thing comes with down next. Then watch them deep-fry the bag.

  3. Basically, they cut down on the energy it takes to eat this as well. Its all layered in a bowl, you only have to shovel it into your face without any effort of choosing a utensil or what order to eat your food. Less stress! Makes it simple! And it keeps my other hand free to lift my super-mega-size vat of soda!

    There's another ad where they claim that they employ cooks- as in, "We have a cook on staff". Great, now that 18 year old high school kid can get into the Culinary Institute with "Three years experience as a cook"... (I do notice it is "cook" and not "chef").

  4. When I was fifteen, I worked as a "cook" at McDonalds. I mean, I put frozen hamburger patties on a grill and turned them, then put them on buns and added ketchup and mustard- that makes me a "cook," right?

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