Monday, October 17, 2011

Is this a commercial for The Biggest Loser? Because I vote for the guy in the Batman suit

Quick note, and I hope it doesn't come too late- I couldn't find the 40-second tv version of this ad, so please, if you want to watch the embedded video at all, feel free to stop after forty seconds. Or before. Just because I've decided to take on the burden of wading through this crap doesn't mean you have to.

Ok, on to the commercial, which should look really familiar. There's this new video game, and it's being released by Wal Mart at "12:01 AM" on some day in the near future, so of course you have to be there in the parking lot by 4 PM the previous day to get a good place in line with the other pasty, sweaty, haven't-had-a-date-since-the Clinton-Administration "gamers." Now, if you happen to be driving past Wal Mart around midnight and see you see a herd of what looks like two-legged bison all holding glowing things in their hands, you shouldn't assume that they are on hand to buy this new Batman game. That would be really unfair. They may be online to buy the new I Phone (not the one that came out last week, the one that's coming out next week.) They may be there to buy the Newest Game System Which Renders All Other Game Systems Obsolete until December. Or, they may have no idea why they are standing in line- they just saw the line while driving home from their latest failed attempt to engage in an evening of drinks and conversation with a female life form, and decided that whatever was being sold, they needed to have it.

Wow, I've come all this way, and I haven't even commented on the commercial yet. Ok, here we go: Arrested-development exhibits A and B challenge each other's Gamer Cred ("I'm so more Batman than you." Yes, of course you are. Have another Slim Jim, PATHETIC LITTLE BOY.) The very act of purchasing this latest time-and-money vampire has inspired one of these jerkoffs to dress up in a Batman costume, climb the roof of a neighbor's house, and attempt to zip line into his "friend's" house. Hey, at least he's out of his room!

And please, will someone explain to me how these two witless, game-addled drones managed to land jobs which allow them to live in the freaking suburbs? You can't tell me that these guys do anything more complicated than provide tech support for Verizon (Ok, maybe Best Buy's Geek Squad, but that's IT.) Don't tell me that these disgusting overgrown children bring down salaries which allow them to pay the mortgages on what look like pretty substantial homes in nice neighborhoods.

Oh wait, I forgot- these guys clearly still live with their parents. They hold down part-time jobs at Radio Shack while taking two classes per semester at the Community College Across from Dunkin Donuts. And can't pay a penny in rent because their entire salaries go to Big Gulps, Slim Jims, I Phones and Whatever Wal Mart Is Selling Starting At 12:01 AM. What was I thinking?

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