Friday, October 21, 2011

The small print reads "Friends Not Included"

These commercials for Verizon and "4G" phones are such a riot, portraying the purchase of these stupid devices as tantamount to obtaining some kind of Holy Grail of excitement in the form of "connectivity." Because really, what could be more exciting than being able to update your Facebook page or listen to Chris Berman on the go?

Clueless No Life Dweeb #1 compares the anticipation of getting a cell phone to the coming of an amazing electrical storm, climaxing in the splitting of a tree by a bolt of lightning. The storm has come and gone, but it's gift to this weirdo has been left behind in the form of the shattered tree. No, this kid will not be carving a bat out of it's remains. He'll instead be "blessed" by a little glowing box which will give him more excuses to stay in his room and avoid contact with annoying carbon-based life forms.

Clueless, insufferable Dweeb #2 is doing his best Forrest Gump impersonation, running like mad down a 3-mile long driveway (it's actually only thirty feet, but it FEELS like 3 miles to a kid whose idea of a triathlon is texting, downloading and talking at the same time.) He looks into his mailbox, and YAY! The online purchase that will finally make his wretched existence bearable has arrived! And because Verizon is determined to convince us that these aren't just phones, the kid must then bring the box to his Special Secret Place in the barn ( I don't want to know what that Secret Special Place was used for before today, thanks anyway) before opening it. And of course, opening the box must be accompanied by a freaking laser show, no doubt signifying that, as in the case of Dweeb #1, something Very Significant has just happened in the life of this kid. Everything. Is going to get better. Starting. Right. Now.

I've said it once and, as regular readers of this blog know, I've said it a thousand times: All commercials carry exactly the same message: Your life sucks. However, there is a way you can make it suck less. And that's by purchasing this product. This product will make your sucky life bearable; strike that, this product will make your sucky life NOT SUCK ANYMORE. Your sucky life will suddenly become AWESOME if you buy this. And since you are only ONE PURCHASE AWAY from redeeming your sorry-ass existence, you'd have to be a complete and utter loser NOT to make that purchase. So what's it going to be? A life not worthy of living, because you are too damned cheap to buy just this ONE MORE THING? Or a life of lightning-bolt and storm-cloud awesomeness, all waiting for you once you open up that box?

If your choice is the latter, welcome to the wonderful world of ringtones and movies on 2-inch screens and turn-by-turn directions and all those other nifty things you thought were kind of nice but now realize are Absolutely Essential. If it's the former, well, enjoy watching life go by without you, Loser Who Will Never Be Loved By Anyone. And don't say we didn't warn you. On your death bed, you can ponder how you didn't make that One Purchase. You'll be doing it alone.


  1. Translated into English, it means "Personal interaction sucks so here's a gadget to help get rid of that nasty society thing that gets in the way of our third quarter sales."

  2. That sums up my post very nicely, Dreaded!

  3. I'm waiting for a commercial for the new I Phone to be available- where people are asking questions of their nifty new devices instead of oh, I don't know, maybe asking OTHER PEOPLE or doing some f--ing research. God we are getting really, really sad.