Wednesday, March 28, 2012

For the other 19 hours, I suggest Espresso and Red Bull

I guess it was inevitable that in a country drowning in high-fructose corn syrup, white flour and red meat-- a country that no longer believes in regular exercise that does not include shooting digital terrorists on a flat screen tv-- we'd see commercials encouraging us to swig two-ounce bottles of caffeine whenever we "hit the wall" during the work day.

"When do you take Five Hour Energy?" When I don't feel like staying in shape. When I eat crap which weighs me down and makes me tired. When I spike my blood sugar with candy, or the other stimulants- like that premium cup of coffee which has the same amount of caffeine that Five Hour Energy has- wears off.

When I want a quick fix to mask the fact that my diet is shot to hell, I'm being forced to work too damned hard, and I need to mask the symptoms of my body begging me to take it easy because The Boss can replace me in fifteen minutes flat if I try to sit down for a few moments from time to time.

What an awesome, Brave New World we live in. Don't worry about getting enough vitamins and fluids to keep yourself functioning properly. Don't worry about getting enough sleep. Just chug one of these little beauties whenever you need to push yourself just a little bit harder. I'm sure your body will thank you later.

And if it behaves as if you've done it some harm, I'm sure there's another two-gulp cure sitting on the same shelf down at 7-11, a store which used to specialize in heat lamp dogs and weak coffee but is now, apparently, set to be viewed as the pharmacy of the 21st century. Because it's all about Productivity and the Quick Fix, all the time. Down that little bottle of Whatever It Is. And get back to work.


  1. Well, at this rate, they won't have to worry about Social Security much longer. That's because there aren't going to be many people alive to collect it the way they're going.

  2. I see this ALL THE DAMN TIME on Youtube. The horrible, horrible acting really irks me and I don't need an energy fix. I heard that really wires you and the "crash" isn't good either.