Wednesday, March 14, 2012

I guess it's a good thing I don't work for "Five Star"

First, let me say that I feel really bad making fun of John Walsh, but....sir? You've made quite a career out of channeling your rage for the better part of a quarter-century now. Television shows, commercial opportunities...maybe it's time for you to pocket your cash and seek some therapy? I know it doesn't pay as well as peddling fear and paranoia, but...

Well, I just thought I would throw that in.

On to this "service" you are selling us today. I'm pretty sure that I'm not the type of person you'd hire to be one of your operators. I don't think I have the proper bedside manner. This is how I see it unfolding:

Lost Kid: "I can't find my mom."

Me: "What, were you busy playing with your stupid phone instead of paying attention when she told you to keep up with her? BTW, why don't you have a phone? Don't you watch commercials? Why are you such a loser?"

Lost Kid: "I don't know where she is."

Me: "Oh, and I do? Jeeeeshhh...I was just about to go on my break. Look, if she wants to find YOU, she will. My guess is, she isn't trying. I'm sure it was fun to have a mom for a while. Why don't you move on now?" Click.

Alleged Grown-Up who Fears Being in a Strange Neighborhood: "Can you stay with me until I get to my car?"

Me: "Is that a joke? What, are there scary non-white people around? What the hell is the matter with you? Why are you wasting my time- don't you know I've got some stupid lost kid on the other line?"

AGUWFBIASN: "But I can't find my car..."

Me: "Gee, guess you don't have an 'App' for that, huh? See, this is called 'trained helplessness.' You've got this 'service,' and it's turned you into a quivering, scared idiot the moment you face a situation which is at all unfamiliar. I'm going to hang up on you now and leave you to find your car on your own. Trust me, you'll thank me later."

Old Guy: "I don't feel well."

Me: "Well, welcome the real world, dope. You sound like you are around eighty, and you are off hiking by yourself, and you don't feel well? Hey, I'm in my forties, do you think I feel well? Who am I supposed to call and bitch at?"

Old Guy: "I may be suffering a heart attack."

Me: "Oh, here comes the Guilt Trip. You 'may' be having a heart attack, so now the burden is on ME to do something about it? WHY are you out by yourself anyway? Don't you have any kids or grand kids you could be sharing this outdoor experience with?"

Old Guy: "I'm not sure I want to call 9/11..."

Me: "No, of course not. It's just their JOB to deal with calls like you. You don't want to be a burden to the emergency squad. You don't want to be a burden to your family. You just want to be a burden to a total freaking stranger on the phone. BTW, are you aware that I've got a stupid lost kid and a scared alleged grown-up hanging on the line? Could you just make a decision, Mr. Great Outdoors Oh No I Don't Need A Companion To Hike With? Do you need help or not?"

I wonder how we ever got to 2012, considering that this type of technology has only been with us for the past few years. It's looking less and less likely that we are going to see 2112, however. At least, not in our current form; the way we are going, by then we'll all be walking around with chips embedded into our skulls which allow us to consult a disembodied voice every few seconds about that Scary Little Twinge in our necks or that Unfamiliar Person at the bus stop. Thank God, I'll be dead by then.


  1. It's sort of appalling to have to realize that there are people who look at ads like this and think that letting a pile of circuitry do their thinking for them is a good thing. When the Metal Ones take over, they won't have to deal with any sort of resistance, will they?

  2. I kinda get how this thing could help someone who is lost in the same sense that "OnStar" can... but how the hell is it helping that woman who is "scared" to walk alone?

    "Keep walking, ma'am, I'll listen intently while you're getting mugged."

  3. I can see this being useful if you're lost in the middle of nowhere and don't have a map of the area handy. An older adult having it in case something happens when they're alone makes sense. Giving it to your kid in case you're separated from them makes sense, too, but so does teaching them to seek out an authority figure for help. Being nervous while walking to your car? This thing is an expensive security blanket. If you're uneasy, then find someone else to walk with you. If you can't find someone else, I suggest walking really, really fast. Think something's not right? Call 911, moron. Your parent might be having a heart attack but they won't call 911 themselves? Act like the adult you're supposed to be and CALL 911 YOURSELF! Your parent might be pissed at you for 'overreacting' later, but at least they'll be alive because you contacted help immediately. Who knows how long it would take if you pressed the button on that silly little device and asked them to do it? Oh, just thought of another way this device could be a good thing: if the morons who call 911 about stupid crap buy this and use it instead of calling 911. Hey, a person can hope, right?

  4. "Tell me if someone scary walks by you on the way to your car, and I'll bark like a Rottweiler."