Monday, March 12, 2012

What, Kraft? What?

"I've been skimming Mac'n Cheese for 75 years" says the old man at the table who I guess is best known as Grampa, or Dad.

So you've been a gross, disgusting pig for 75 years? Good to know. Even more good to know- someone can actually live to be an old man despite the fact that he's spent his whole life eating this fatty garbage.

Then comes the "funny" punchline: Son says "but I'm only forty-five years old."

Old Man: "I have another family."

Awkward Pause. Old Man: "What?" (as in "What? I'm an old man. No act of betrayal or cruelty to you or your mom matters now, because I'm an old man.") Son: "What?" (As in "Are you saying you've been living a lie for decades? What do you mean, you have another family? Why are you saying this to me, now, in front of your grandson?")

Cut to trademarked cartoon music which wraps of all of these ads. Because this is FUNNY, right?

This is funny in some universe I've never visited. In a sane world, it's disgusting, cruel, intensely stupid, mean-spirited rubbish. After years of watching commercials get dumber and less interested in maintaining even the slightest level of decency, I'm still stunned at the utter tastelessness exhibited here.

Come on, people- where is the humor in a situation which can only end in tears, anger and (if I were this old man's son) a kick in the pants followed by this creep being deposited on the sidewalk with an order to never, ever try to contact THIS grandson again.

I've often joked that it seems that little or no thought goes into writing scripts for commercials these days. I can't joke about that anymore, because the only possible defense of this horrible lump of a very, very bad idea is that no thought went into it. I want the guy who wrote it to come before a bank of cameras and give me a sad story about how he has been having trouble at home and was given the job of writing this commercial on a ten minute deadline while worried about one of his kids, who is in intensive care with lupus. In such a contingency I might find it in my heart to forgive him for creating this travesty, which can only lead to children all over the country turning to their parents and asking "what does he mean, 'Another Family?'"

The company that isn't satisfied with mass-marketing yellow sludge as food, but must poison the airwaves with sad, ugly junk like this weird advertisement? Kraft will have to find forgiveness somewhere else. Sorry.

"I have another family." Ick. There's the door, Grampa. Get on the phone with your Other Family, which is now your Only Family. I'll be busy trying to clean up this mess with my son.

And if you come near my house again, I'll have you arrested, you two-legged rodent, and I don't give a flying crap HOW old you are or HOW long you've been "skimming the Mac 'n Cheese," whatever the hell that REALLY means.


  1. Oh, yuck. Maybe they can call it the official food of being a revolting skeeze.

  2. Where are the self-appointed Guardians of Family Values when you need them? Oh, wait, my bad. I forgot. They're busy trying to make contraceptives illegal so women will stop being sluts and go back to being the sweet, meek little lambs who obey their husbands with a smile.

  3. Myself and my 92 yr old grandfather thought it was hilarious