Saturday, March 10, 2012

Suzie's in the 1%, thanks to Verizon

Deleted Scenes:

Suzie's Lemonade becomes a division of Beatrice Foods, sparing Suzie the need to hire her own lobbyists to push for Lemon and Sugar Subsidies.

Suzie throws a fit when her accountants tell her that "the effective tax rate was way off." Because she's In the Know, she goes with BDO.

Suzie discovers that she can save another $40 million by dumping sugar as an ingredient in her lemonade and substituting High Fructose Corn Syrup instead. Not to mention the addicts this creates, which also helps the bottom line for her investments in Big Pharma.

Suzie ruthlessly crushes repeated attempts by her employees to create a Union. Payoff: No one who works for Suzie makes more than $8 per hour, unpaid overtime is mandatory, and they can forget about health benefits.

Suzie starts her own adorable SuperPac and proceeds to hedge her bets by raising money in equal amounts for Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum and Barack Obama. Why not Newt Gingrich? Hey, she didn't get where she is today without having some math skills.

Suzie takes advantage of massive government tax incentives to fire her entire staff and move the whole operation to the Marianas Islands. Thanks to our corporate-owned Congress, she may continue to advertise her Lemonade as "Made in the USA."

Suzie lands a regular guest spot on the Fox Business Network to bleat how important it is that government both "stay out of the way" and also "encourage the most productive." Sean Hannity makes her a regular on his program.

Suzie runs for the US Senate from California, spending $80 million of her own money, each penny painstakingly raised through years of sacrifice. Not Suzie's sacrifice, mind you.

That stupid, frozen, "I Love Money" smile of hers becomes a favorite Halloween Mask and dartboard decoration. And everyone involved in this commercial, including Suzie, end up being buried in massive mausoleums jammed to the seams with money. Unwept, unhonored, and unsung.


  1. There's something rather sinister about the idea of taking a lemonade stand and turning it into a horrible conglomerate at that. Leave it to a soulless corporation to see the devolution of a child into a Randian horror freak as funny.

  2. Because nothing, NOTHING, could be worse than creating a successful business from humble beginings.

    Because there is no chance, yes I say NO CHANCE, that a sucessful business will treat its employees humanely.

    Because the above statemants were made in this blog supposedly about a commercial, this blog post is one of the stupidest, un-American posts I have ever read.

    I don't think that living for money is good at all. Which is why I don't like these commercials. That is also why i don't like the "1%" nonsense I hear every time I turn around. Let us not forget where that phrase came from: immoral drug addicts unwilling to help those less fortunate than themselves, demanding money they didn't earn.

    1. Because Anti-Corporation means Anti-American, again.

      Because being "American" means wanting to make as much money as humanly possible, again.

      Thanks again for playing, Mr. Hannity.

      Seriously- being an American means more than devoting your life to accumulating wealth at the expense of others, or don't you think so?

    2. "Immoral Drug Addicts..." that's what you think of the people who protest rampant, predatory Capitalism?

      I'm sorry I called you Mr. Hannity. My guess is Mark Levin is more your style.

  3. "Immoral Drug Addicts..." that's what you think of the people who protest rampant, predatory Capitalism?"

    No, that's what I think of trespassers who use the public way as a toilet and deny the homeless access to their "community" Thanksgiving dinner.

    And no, being American is not about making as much money as humanly possible. That's a sad way to live. A sadder way to live is thinking there's a big, rich fiend behind a bush trying to make money "on your back". seriously, have you considred subscribing to Five Star?

    There's a rather famous book by Oscar Wilde that starts out talking about how there is no honor in corrupting that which is beautiful. I would suggest you read it. All I saw in these commercials was a girl using Verizon to open lemonade stands across the country. I didn't see any kind of the human rights abuses you accused this kid of commiting.

    And furthurmore, I don't listen to Hannity (loud idiot) or Levin (informed, but still loud). I listen to a guy out of Oregon called Lars Larson (who is actually from Indonesia, not Scandinavia), and another guy out of florida called Neil Bortz, who I agree with about half the time.

    1. Ummm...It's Verizon which took something beautiful- the idea of kids running a lemonade stand- and turned it into something ugly (mass-marketed lemonade, complete with minions running around worshiping your amazing talent at making money.)

    2. Oh, and Neil Bortz? 'Nuff said.

  4. See, I just don't see your premise that selling a little lemonade to a few people for as much money as possible (even small lemonade stands aren't charities) is better than selling a lot of lemonade to a lot of people for as much money as possible.

    And I disagree with a lot of Neil Bortz's ideals, I just listen to him because he presents them intelligently.