Saturday, March 10, 2012
Suzie's in the 1%, thanks to Verizon
Suzie's Lemonade becomes a division of Beatrice Foods, sparing Suzie the need to hire her own lobbyists to push for Lemon and Sugar Subsidies.
Suzie throws a fit when her accountants tell her that "the effective tax rate was way off." Because she's In the Know, she goes with BDO.
Suzie discovers that she can save another $40 million by dumping sugar as an ingredient in her lemonade and substituting High Fructose Corn Syrup instead. Not to mention the addicts this creates, which also helps the bottom line for her investments in Big Pharma.
Suzie ruthlessly crushes repeated attempts by her employees to create a Union. Payoff: No one who works for Suzie makes more than $8 per hour, unpaid overtime is mandatory, and they can forget about health benefits.
Suzie starts her own adorable SuperPac and proceeds to hedge her bets by raising money in equal amounts for Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum and Barack Obama. Why not Newt Gingrich? Hey, she didn't get where she is today without having some math skills.
Suzie takes advantage of massive government tax incentives to fire her entire staff and move the whole operation to the Marianas Islands. Thanks to our corporate-owned Congress, she may continue to advertise her Lemonade as "Made in the USA."
Suzie lands a regular guest spot on the Fox Business Network to bleat how important it is that government both "stay out of the way" and also "encourage the most productive." Sean Hannity makes her a regular on his program.
Suzie runs for the US Senate from California, spending $80 million of her own money, each penny painstakingly raised through years of sacrifice. Not Suzie's sacrifice, mind you.
That stupid, frozen, "I Love Money" smile of hers becomes a favorite Halloween Mask and dartboard decoration. And everyone involved in this commercial, including Suzie, end up being buried in massive mausoleums jammed to the seams with money. Unwept, unhonored, and unsung.