Sunday, March 2, 2014

Here's how it really works, Esurance Lady....

You see, there's this thing called "Facebook" which was invented primarily to feed the desperate need of some people to believe that the world would be interested in what they were doing if only they could be informed of it. Constantly.

So what you do is, you take a lot of pictures of yourself and your friends and pretty much everything else, and you download them to your Facebook page, where you can admire them and pretend that people appreciate being able to see them and then think that you are somehow interesting because hey, check out these pictures.

Then you contact everyone you've ever had even a passing acquaintance with and try to guilt them into "friending" you, because your worth as a human being is now determined by how many "Facebook friends" you have.  Needless to say, you don't ever actually "unfriend" anyone, because that would bring your counter down and make you a Less Valuable Person (see below for exceptions to this rule.)  Besides, you wouldn't want to deny anyone an opportunity to look at all those awesome photos you put up or to check out all those links you're positive are super interesting to everyone and not just you.

Now of course, there are a few exceptions.  Sometimes you "friend" people and then you really, really wish you hadn't, because it turns out that even though quite a few years have gone by, the scars haven't quite healed and you aren't ready to be in communication with that person- and you certainly aren't ready to find out that that person is doing perfectly fine without you.  Needless to say that you aren't ready to pretend that you are perfectly fine with that.

Then there are the people who are so obnoxious about drowning you in inane links and photos and "I'm going to brush my teeth now!" updates that Unfriending seems to be a very civil alternative to what you would like to do to express your disgust at the vapid dimwit who thinks that you really, really need to see another picture of My New Toaster Isn't It Awesome.

And then there are the people who "friend" you that you never hear from after accepting their---umm--- "friendship."  These people are certainly worth "unfriending," because guess what?  When they said they wanted to be "Facebook Friends," what they meant was they wanted to add you to their "friend" counter.  In other words, you are being used.  For people like this, "unfriend" really doesn't cut it- there really ought to be a stronger "kiss off" option.  But that's not how it works, either- and it requires that you don't care about your own "friends" number.

Anyway, Esurance Lady, I kind of like your strategy better.  That's a nice wall you've got there, and anyone who comes over to see it is probably a real friend, whether it's supposed to work this way or not.  I admire your ability to live in your own world, according to your own rules.  If you contacted me, I might even "friend" you.  My counter is a little low.

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