Monday, February 1, 2016
Rejected Script for the Lactaid Cow
"Hey, human woman! You look like you enjoy drinking milk, but you often just walk past the dairy section because your tummy has a hard time dealing with lactose."
"Well, here's the answer to your problem- Lactaid! It's made from real milk, and after all I should know, being a strange animated blue cow who lives in a grocery store cooler and is spending what few days I have left urging you hominids to drink what I produce after spending 99 percent of my 'life'- no, let's call it 'existence'- in a cage too narrow to turn around in, hooked up to machines which stuff me full of hormones and vitamins and steroids designed to turn me into less of a mammal and more of a milk-producing machine with a freakish, artificially-huge udder that would not allow me to stroll around fields like my ancestors did, even if I wanted to--- and man, do I want to...."
"Of course, even if I COULD wander about without my back snapping in half under the weight of my enormous milk sacs, what would I do with that ability other than search for the calves I have not seen since the day I birthed them- calves I never fed with my own milk, and which have probably all been processed and consumed by you in a thousand other forms. So, are you a hamburger girl, or more into steak? Doesn't matter to me, any more than it mattered to my calves. All that mattered was that you got to gorge your sensitive tum-tom, right?"
"So here you go- Lactaid is real milk, without that nasty lactose stuff they haven't quite managed to drug out of me yet. Costs a bit more than my natural milk, but I'm sure you'll find it worth it. Please let me know the next time you visit, I'm really dying to know. But please hurry- don't have much of a lifespan, and wouldn't even if I DIDN'T live in this cooler."