Friday, March 13, 2020

Nothing is more pretentious than a Subaru Commercial

Oh my g-d someone spare me the dreamy musings of a family of entitled jackwads who think that a road trip in their Subaru BlandMobile is a freaking existential adventure and not just a mildly expensive romp through other people's Everyday.

I mean, just look at these idiots- they take their freaking toy dogs with them, which is enough to make me root for a breakdown followed by a feast for a nice family of bears.  I'm sorry, but I just can't stand people who think their dogs have to travel everywhere with them.  Do everyone a favor, just leave them home you ridiculous wastes of perfectly good skin.

"Off road!" one of them shouts, veering off the legal highway Because They Can.  And now they are plowing through nature, crashing through someone's field, running over something's home, while congratulating themselves for being "off the grid" (great time for that family of bears to show up.)  "Is this a road?"  Hahaha, what difference does THAT make?  The world is your road.  Private property? F--k that, we've got a Subaru.

Then they grace humanity with their delightfully carefree ways, stopping at quaint greasy spoons to try the local cuisine, sneering at- and getting sneered at- the local gentry which are just props to their Awesome Lives.  Never mind bears- how about a population of mutants or hillbillies who Don't Take Kindly to Strangers or a village which regularly sacrifices strangers to the Corn Harvest gods?  Something.  ANYTHING to spare me of these twats.

Naw, nothing like that is going to happen, because TV hates me.  So instead we see these perpetually happy buckets of dander roar off to their next Horizon in their f--ing Subaru, and we look forward to the next Subarus Make Life Possible commercial, and I have my gag reflex exercised once again....

1 comment:

  1. Ugh. Subaru ads are always the worst. You can play Subaru Bingo to any of them: Smug hipsters or a young multiracial family happily driving over hill and dale in their goes anywhere yet somehow Mother Earth friendly Subaru. Also the ones that get all dramatic showing Dad holding back tears at how his old Subaru saved his children in that awful accident they had. Or he's getting all misty now that he passed it down to his daughter waving her off to college