Monday, March 30, 2020

Virus or no Virus, Grifters gotta Grift!

"Hello, I'm Franklin Graham, heir to the Billy Graham empire although everyone agrees that my sister is a vastly better speaker because male bloodline don't ya know..."

"Anyway, since all I really know how to do is be Billy Graham's less talented offspring, I'm here to take advantage of a frightening pandemic that is keeping many people isolated in their houses by encouraging them to call an 888 number, putting money into my already-bulging pockets."

"Feeling afraid that you're going to die without accepting that you were created by a god who later send himself in the form of a human male to subvert rules that he created and by the way that human male was not only god but also god's son Shut Up It Makes Sense?  Don't just sit in your house and talk to yourself- call the 888 number and pay money to talk to yourself while someone on the other line is also talking to himself.  That's better because Reasons- and because I like money-- I mean, I need money to continue to Glorify god's kingdom, just like my dad used to do in sold-out baseball and football stadiums because social media wasn't a thing back then. Poor dad, always had to do things the hard way."

"Don't wait.  You could die tomorrow and be cast into the fiery pit and be tortured for all eternity.  Or, you could spend x amount per minute to chant nonsense at an operator and be Saved.  Guess which one god wants you to do?  Guess which one makes me even more obscenely rich than I already am?  Here's a hint:  they are both the same option!"

"Keep in mind that you're supposed to be going to church, but you're afraid to because of this virus which by the way god, who loves you, sent to Earth Because Reasons.  Calling my 888 number is the same as going to church as far as god is concerned, Jesus told me so.  Render unto Franklin what is Franklin's-- I mean, unto god what is god's.  What are you waiting for?"

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