When I first started this blog, I actually looked for this ad because it was still on television and I found it absolutely horrifying. I stumbled upon it on YouTube just the other day and figured better late than never. Let's talk about this ridiculous family and the lengths it goes to to be as inert as possible.
The guy and his wife complain that the signal from their satellite dish or antennae was being blocked by the foliage in their backyard. Because Television Uber Alles, the guy actually got himself outside in the fresh air and sunshine and did some physical work that didn't involve scrolling (this was 2003, after all- scrolling wasn't really a thing yet.) At least, I think he did- he says that in response to a $400 estimate for tree clearage he "did some pruning." Oh, who am I kidding- he means he paid other people to do that work. While he worked on that dad-shaped dent in the couch.
After all these efforts, he had a natural wooden pole where a tree used to be and I guess the signal still wasn't very good, so the family decided to go back to cable. We are told this as a way-too-big toddler lurches across the screen (at the 24 second mark, certainly the saddest moment in this entire commercial,) already exhibiting the consequences of being a member of this disgusting family.
Because, I'm sorry, but we can't ignore the elephant in the room: This television-obsessed family is morbidly obese, and the very last thing it needs is more Sedentary Time in front of the Boob Tube. This will sound dark but I actually have to wonder if the adult male and female in this ad are even still alive today. They look like walking- or wobbling- Diabetes. And how did those kids turn out? Are they chips off the old block of lard? Are they currently as into Netflix and staring at their phones as mom and dad were in watching cable tv?
Subaru is a Deeply CaringTM Company because (for a limited time*) it will give a donation to the American Cancer Society for every Subaru purchased. That's the message they want us to take in, and here's a cancer victim they're willing to exploit in the process of selling it.
Now let's break this down and expose why this is cynical, shameless, and just plain gross:
The deal is that Subaru will give a "Minimum Contribution" of $300 for each Subaru purchased or leased between 12/20/2025 and 01/02/2026. Yeah, this is a VERY limited time offer. Not even two full weeks. But we aren't supposed to notice that- the Awwwwww Isn't Subaru Wonderful vibes are supposed to last a lot longer. Is this a popular time of year to buy a new car? I don't know, maybe. I doubt that has anything to do with the timing of this ad however, unless there's a sense of desperation to get the 2025s off the lot before they depreciate even more.
Yeah, but it's a super-generous offer anyway, right? Well, let's see how generous it really is:
According to Edmunds.com, depending on the model, a new Subaru Outback will run you anywhere from $31,000 to $46,000. The same site informs me that the typical Lease deal on the same car will run anywhere from $340 to $700 or more a month, assuming $2500 down, plus interest. In other words, Subaru's very very generous Heart of Gold Offer amounts to something considerably less than one percent of the total price of the purchase, or less than a single payment, or less than 20% of a single down payment, or far, far less than the interest the dealership will make on any sale or lease deal.
But I guess we're supposed to ignore all that and focus on the sweet sweet Hallmark-level commercial and the moment which I guess was made possible by Subaru Somehow Just Turn Your Brain Off And Don't Think About It Too Much Just Buy a Subaru Don't You Want To Cure Cancer You Ghouls?
Here's an Alternate Proposal: Maybe spending $30,000 or more buying a Subaru isn't the most efficient way to help fund the cure for cancer. How about writing a check to the American Cancer Society instead? That way you give to a good cause without funding an exploitive corporation AND aren't locked in to a multiyear contract to drive an overrated, overpriced vehicle because you were guilted by a tv commercial into it a few days after Christmas in 2025.
Look, it's no secret to the Several People who actually follow this blog that I consider gambling apps an absolute cancer on everything they touch (mainly professional sports, but if we're honest they've got their tentacles into pretty much anything that involves money, which is pretty much anything.)
Take this commercial (but don't watch it. Save the brain cells, you'll need them.) It got a lot of hype because it's apparently the first Entirely AI-generated ad in the history of Advertising. But I don't care about that- I fully expect all ads to be AI-generated within a few months (so sorry-not-sorry to Toyota Jan, Jake from State Farm, Flo from Progressive, etc.- hope you saved that sweet sweet spokeschoad money.) No, I'd rather keep my focus on a company which unironically uses the pitch "Trade the Future" when promoting the idea that it's fun and exciting and potentially very profitable to bet the rent money and 401(k) on, well, pretty much ANYTHING. Trade the Future, indeed. When the class action lawsuits eventually drag the promoters of crippling addiction to court, they'll certainly be able to claim that they were 100 percent upfront about what was being offered with a touch of the screen. I mean, who can't figure out that "Trade the Future" means "Risk the Future?" As much as I loathe these bloodsuckers, if I were on the jury I'd probably have to rule for them.
Kalshi doesn't win the Worst of the Worst Award on it's own; it must share that "honor" with every gambling app that has gobbled up ad space on American television and streaming services. The commercials are not just the worst things on TV; they represent the worst thing that became Mainstream in American culture in 2025. That sad habit the Uncle you don't talk about at Thanksgiving struggles with is now sold as just another form of entertainment to make whatever you are watching- or doing, or thinking about doing- a little more interesting. And to think that I used to be irritated trying to watch sporting events with people more interested in checking their fantasy stats every 2.5 seconds rather than the actual game on the actual tv. Now I can imagine watch parties featuring people whose ability to pay next month's rent depends on the successful conversion of a 4th and 5 in the third quarter by a team on it's third backup QB.
So here's to you, Gambling Apps- you are the worst of the worst. I'd say you even beat Kevin Hart, but among the many things he whores for is SportsKings, so it's more like a shared honor. Um, Congratulations?
Friends has been off the air for twenty years now, and it's not like Ms. Anniston has been in a series of hit films since then. Why is she still in demand as a spokeschoad?
As for this particular ad- here's an idea, Ms. Anniston. You could just say "no" to pitching the most overpriced item anyone can buy (water is free. It falls from the freaking sky. Here in the Western World- and in most of the non-Western world- it's also available by turning a knob in your own home.) I mean, this is about as close as you can get to selling actual Air. Yes, water is refreshing. Go figure.
So maybe you could just pass on this one, and let some other person pick up a paycheck endorsing bottled water. I mean, instead of arguing with your director about the lines you've been given to read, you freaking Diva. And while we're at it- you didn't make my Top 3 Worst, but if I had an Honorable Mention I think you would definitely have been included. Could you please go away now?
(First of all, I have no damn idea who Meghan Trainor is, nor do I care. There are benefits to being a Boomer. As far as I'm concerned, this is just another Familiar Face being handed money that might have been used to pay claims.*)
Of the three commercial memes I am holding up for extra criticism here in the waning days of 2025, this is the one I'm most hopeful of saying goodbye to in 2026. Of course I'm talking about Jake's multi-year man-crush on Pat Mahomes. Jake's determination to be at Mahomes' side 24/7 expanded to include Andy Reid in 2025, I guess because every once in a while the Quarterback of the Kansas City Chiefs actually had to do some work and not just hang out in random places with State Farm's current Spokeschoad. Thing is, though, Pat Mahomes is not going to be the starting quarterback of the Chiefs for quite some time- not again for the rest of this season, and very possibly not at the start of the 2026-27 campaign.
Pat Mahomes went down with a season-ending injury last week in a loss which sealed Kansas City's elimination from the playoffs for the first time in a decade. The Chiefs will not be in a postseason game for the first time since before Mahomes started his career. Which may mean that Mahomes has even more time to film moronic, creepy and dumb State Farm ads with a "comedian" posing as an insurance agent with a perpetual smirk on his face. But it could also mean that State Farm looks at Mahomes' significant decline this year before being injured, adds in the massive egg his team laid in last year's Superbowl and this new injury, and decides to cut the chord on the played-to-death Jake-Pat bromance and has Jake deciding that it's time to see other people. Maybe other Quarterbacks, maybe random pseudo-celebrities like I presume Meghan Trainor is, but someone other than Pat Mahomes.
I think it's too much to ask that when State Farm inevitably ends its lucrative-but-stupid-as-F Pat and Jake Together Forever ad campaign, they move on from both Pat and Jake. It's far more likely that Jake will simply start appearing joined at the hip with someone else- either a healthy sports figure still in the spotlight every weekend, or a retired one with a recognizable face, or just a series of "who is that again?" types like Ms. Trainor. Just not Mahomes, who was for a few years considered the Second Coming of Tom Brady but Even Better but is now probably looking into the twilight of his career at the tender age of 30. Jake only stalks the best, sorry.
*note to State Farm customers: Please keep these ads in mind the next time your insurance company nickels and dimes you on your claim, drags its feet on getting it paid, or refuses it entirely. None of the public figures who appear in State Farm commercials do it for free. Neither does Jake. That's money that could have been used to make you whole being tossed at millionaires who can't begin to spend the cash they already have. Just a thought to take into the New Year as State Farm looks for a replacement to play Jake's BFF.
I happened to be on the treadmill at my local gym when this came on one of the screens that isn't Forever Tuned in to the Channel Dedicated to Reruns of "Friends." It's oddly worse without sound- you don't know what anyone is hyped about, but you know they are hyped because it's all smiles and clapping and jumping up and down and it goes on and on and on and on AND ON and you can bet it that no news reporting will be going on while some guy in a suit appears and is treated like the Second Coming.
Because I didn't watch it with sound, and because this clip is a merciful four minutes long (in the original, this nonsense is actually repeated at the end of the hour, just in case there were a few survivors of the Cringe Avalanche the viewers were subjected to when this mess started.) So at the time, I had no idea who Robert is or why the Earth was supposed to stop spinning to "welcome" him to the Fox News "Family."
I'm not going to watch it again, for reasons I think are rather obvious. Instead, I just did a quick Wiki search for this Robert Burton guy, and it certainly did clear up a lot. Turns out that Robert Burton is the author of a series of books called The Anatomy of Melancholy, which he published in 1621 and which went through several expansions and revisions over the next several decades. Pretty cool. I don't know why he's joining the local Fox News staff but I'm sure he's got more to say about the state of the world than, say, the guy who does the weather or the guy who reminds us how badly the Wizards suck again this year. And it's about time we heard from people who have been dead for five centuries; too often we lose our connection with them and forget that being dead doesn't necessarily mean you have nothing more to say.
So even though I didn't stick around to see Mr. Burton actually introduced to his new "family," I'm sure he'll fit right in and be a real cut-up in the breakroom when he isn't providing insights concerning issues like, well, Melancholy, and dishing about how he really felt about James I giving a play he wrote a bad review. I'd like his honest opinion of the Wizards, too. Like, are they going to win ten games this year? What do you think, Mr. Burton?
I can't believe it's taken me almost 16 years to do this. Oh right, I forgot- I have an actual job and a life (so to speak) and this blog brings me virtually no money so it's nowhere approaching a priority. But anyway....
This is not going to be a countdown of my three worst commercials of 2025. Instead, it's going to be a countdown of my three worst commercial TROPES of 2025; specifically, characters in commercials I really would like to be spared of in 2026 because oh my god are they played out.
Let's start with Jennifer Garner, a washed-up actress with a net worth of approximately $80 million who spent the year trying to convince us that her access to fancy resorts with Olympic-sized pools and luxury spas, airport lounges with tall glasses of white wine and pretty friends, and hiking trips to exotic places is somehow more associated with her choice of credit card and not that NET WORTH OF APPROXIMATELY $80 MILLION. All with that same stupid frozen smile on the most self-satisfied face this side of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
In this particular ad Garner, as if to lampshade the fact that her commercials are a played-out stale joke, centers her appearance with another played-out stale joke. Paraphrases of "There's No Crying in Baseball" were beaten to death more than thirty years ago and nobody wants to see them come back; only "We're Not in Kansas Anymore" has more mold on it. Yes, we all remember the movie (or at least, we Boomers remember the movie, which let's also recall was a minor hit in 1992, five years before Ms. Garner's career got off the ground.) We also remember that the line you desperately grab for a laugh with was originally uttered by Tom Hanks, who you most certainly are NOT.
In the original film, the cause of the crying was a female player upset at making a bad play during a game. In this war crime of an ad, the cause is a female player upset that she does not have enough rewards points to pay for a flight, something I'm certain Garner can relate to (insert eyeroll emoji here.) As well as anyone watching the ad can relate to, including people like me who are actual Capital One cardholders yet mysteriously don't get free flights or spa vacations or access to comfy airport lounges or hiking trips in exotic places because WE AREN'T DISGUSTINGLY RICH WHICH IS ALL YOU NEED TO GET THAT STUFF, NOT A G-D D--M CREDIT CARD.
Congratulations, Ms. Garner, on nabbing the #3 spot in my very first countdown. If we aren't treated to your stupid frozen smile and glimpses of your ridiculously entitled life in 2026, we won't cry about it. Promise.
First, I guess it's supposed to be "amusing" that the black woman is sitting on a couch in what looks like a basement apartment, in the dark, afraid to look at the price of cars because she needs to buy a car. In other words, afraid of Adulting. I don't get the "funny" part, though. Yeah, new cars are expensive. Used cars? Also expensive. Shielding your eyes isn't going to make the situation better.
The average monthly payment on a new car has reached $750, with the average payoff term being 60 months. I guess that's "scary," but only if you insist on going for a new car (which is dumb) and for some reason that can't be a real reason your only OPTION is a new car. Like "oh no, I need to buy a 2026 Audi but I'm afraid how much it costs." Why do you need to buy a 2026 Audi? "Shut Up, That's Why!"
And then we get the pitch explaining why we need to use CarFax (which, yes, is a good service but not perfect- as CarFax itself will tell you, not all accidents are reported. CarFax doesn't replace a pre-purchase inspection by a reliable, trusted mechanic.) Hilariously, we are shown that the generic, AI-generated car being offered for sale at $21,690 has actually been patched back together after a horrific accident and is now actually worth - um, $19,250? Seriously? That car was totaled. How did it only lose 11 percent of its value after that wreck? I wouldn't pay more than $5k, and I wouldn't even pay that unless the seller confirmed that its a Honda or Toyota and the engine was undamaged by what looks to be a possibly-fatal collision.
Is this woman reassured by the commercial and ready to offer the dealer what CarFax is a "fair" price for the car- $19,250? That IS scary. Enjoy your basement apartment, lady. You aren't upgrading any time soon.
The theme throughout this entire commercial is that Christmas not only all about buying presents, but it's all about the STRESS and ANXIETY involved in hiding those presents and keeping them away from the prying eyes of children (and adults because SPEND SPEND SPEND) until December 25. How freaking heartwarming.
Nothing about this makes the holiday look like something to celebrate. All I see is a lot of near-panic and Mission Impossible-level planning that must go in to keeping the evidence of over-the-top spending away from the eventual recipients of Capital One's Credit For Everyone policy.
By the way, I've watched this commercial at least half a dozen times and I still don't understand what that little kid is saying at the end- I know it's Santa something, but I can't figure it out. I have a guess, though: Whatever he's saying, it translates into "Mom and Dad either bought this for me two years ago and forgot it was buried in the back of the garage, or they think I'm three and not five, because by the time it's warm enough to cruise around the neighborhood I am not going to fit into this thing."
1. Is anyone over there really convinced that we want reassurance that washed-up actress with a net worth of $80 million, her own organic vegetable business, and a promotional contract with Capital One is completely satisfied with her life?
2. Did you really intend to make the rest of us want nothing more than to punch that perpetual smile off of this woman's stupid, self-satisfied face/
3. Did you really think that we'd find any of this relateable?
Why does the kid look like he's about to wet his pants if his girlfriend's dad doesn't like his gift? The stakes seem really, really high here- like, the dad is either going to order the kid stoned to death, or he's going to accept the kid's bride price offer and hand over his daughter as a concubine.
Why is the situation so tense? It's a freaking gift exchange- stupid enough in itself, since these people are all adults- but pretty innocent when you come right down to it. Maybe whipping out your phone at this exact moment isn't the best idea- is the kid really going to scroll for something else right there in front of the dad? Does he think that Amazon is going to deliver whatever he orders in the next thirty seconds? Is is REALLY a good plan to respond to a dud gift by instantly buying something else? Is this the kind of family you want to be connected to? The girl isn't that cute, buddy.
Why does the father seem to hate the wrapping? Does he really care about the wrapping? If so, please revisit my point about maybe not being connected to this family.
If I were the dad, the first thing I'd wonder is "why is this massager not in it's own box?" I mean, it looks like it was just wrapped in tissue paper and stuck in a generic cardboard box. The second thing I'd wonder is "did this originally come in a padded envelope because it's a cheap Chinese knockoff?" And the third thing I'd wonder is "hmmm....no original box. No directions. Just wrapped in tissue paper. This is something the kid stole from his own house ten minutes before heading over here. This has Regifting written all over it."
All this being said, this is a really mean-spirited ad and it doesn't help my mood to see it being run in English and Spanish at least three times each per hour on ESPN. Another fail, Amazon. And go change your pants before apologizing for the stain you left on the couch, kid.
1. I know it's been 24 years since a Certain Incident Involving Hijacking changed air travel security measures, but maybe we DON'T make a commercial featuring a guy leaping from his seat to grab the phone away from a stewardess making general announcements to the passengers? Just a thought.
2. Will Ferrell has a net worth of approximately $160 million. He does NOT use Buy Now, Pay Later services which target not just people with low income, but who also have terrible credit ratings. His excitement over the "convenience" of splitting purchase costs into four easy payments is exactly proportional to the amount of money he's being paid to whore Capitalism's latest Keep Them Spending, Keep them Poor probably-should-be-illegal cash cow. It's not online gambling (at least, not technically) but it's still pretty offensive.
I'm trying to grasp the mentality of being dropped into a war zone and having anywhere near your top 100 concerns getting a $10,000 engagement ring shipped to your girlfriend back in the states. Like, how is this a priority?
It almost sounds like an SNL skit; if I found out that a fellow soldier deployed to Iraq was researching how to get a $10,000 engagement ring to his girlfriend, I wouldn't assume that he is looking to buy from some website. I'd assume that some looting had gone on and he was trying to figure out how to get a valuable piece of contraband out of the country.
In any case, what the hell is wrong with just waiting till you get back to the States? That ring isn't a contract, after all. She can still dump your deployed ass while you are fighting for, um, your country. She can turn that ring into a down payment for an Audi. She can use it to pay for her boyfriend's bail bond. All kinds of possibilities.
One more thing- I hear a lot of stuff about a woman's "dream ring." If your dreams involve a piece of pretty rock that costs more than a year of my rent, well, I guess everyone has the right to dream. But I have the right to call your dreams damn shallow. And I will.
I guess it's supposed to be "heartwarming" that "through the years," Lexus has never forgotten what's "important:" Providing overpriced look-at-me mobiles for spoiled rotten rich suburbanites to make their perfect lives even more perfect at the very end of what was for many millions of people another rough year economically.
There are no recessions in December, or any other time, for customers of Christmas Lexuses (Lexi?) There are no layoffs, no stock market crashes, no downsizing, and certainly no inflation stress. The coming of cold weather and colored lights brings nothing less than the promise of another brand new Lexus to drive to the Million-dollar Old Family Homestead/Estate with your beautiful wife and beautiful children while dressed in your thousand-dollar winter outfits. After parking the Lexus ostentatiously in front of the house, it's inside for an evening of congratulating each other being thankful for not being part of the 99 percent who has to worry about grubby things like keeping the lights on and if the SNAP benefits are going to be held up (again) in January. And for being in a country with some of the lowest income tax rates in the civilized world, allowing the Very Best of Us to not only buy new cars but also stack piles of cash in hedge funds and trips to Disneyworld and brand-NEW outfits to wear to Grandpa's house because he and the siblings might recognize the cashmere coat from last year and that would be a real scandal.
*equally gross is the comment section, which has to be bots or paid spokeswhores of Lexus. I mean, come on. These people can't be real.
